What Parents Don’t Know About ADHD- what Your Child Needs to Thrive

For kids who struggle with ADHD, big emotions, and battles over non-preferred tasks, sometimes parents are missing what really needs to change. 

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with Flora McCormick, you'll hear from Michael McLeod, a language pathologist, executive functioning specialist, and creator of the Grow Now Internal Skills Coaching Model : https://www.grownowadhd.com/. You can also learn more via his book : The Executive Function Playbook

In today’s episode, we’ll explore why ADHD is about more than attention and focus, and how executive functioning affects self-regulation, motivation, resilience, and independence.

Also, we'll talk about the difference between behavior and brain-based challenges, and why it can be so helpful to look at what's happening across home, school, and other areas of a child's life. Instead of assuming a child simply won't cooperate or isn't trying hard enough, this conversation offers another way to understand the skills that may still be developing.

You'll also hear about the powerful pull of screens for kids with ADHD and why instant gratification can make everyday tasks feel even harder. Michael explains how screens and conflict can become easy sources of stimulation, while real-world activities ask children to practice skills like self-regulation, motivation, and delayed gratification.

And when big emotions or tantrums happen, we'll discuss why parents don't always have to rush in with more talking, reasoning, or explanations. Giving kids some space to move through hard feelings can be part of raising resilient kids and helping them develop greater independence over time.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why ADHD is better understood through the lens of executive functioning and self-regulation
• How to look beyond challenging behavior and consider what skills your child may still be developing
• Why screens can be especially compelling for kids who struggle with executive functioning
• How giving children space during tantrums can support resilience and independence
• Why using less language can help when your child is dysregulated
• How positive discipline can focus on building skills rather than simply changing behavior in the moment

✨ If you've ever felt stuck explaining the same thing again and again, this conversation offers a different way forward. You'll walk away with a better understanding of executive functioning and practical ideas for supporting your child's growth with more calm, confidence, and connection.

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Transcript

Meet Michael McLeod

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm excited to welcome today Michael McLeod.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Overall, ADHD is not an attention disorder or for a focus disorder. It is an executive functioning disorder. So ADHD is a horrible name for ADHD, and the pioneers in this field are doing everything everything they can to change the name. It is EFDD, executive functioning developmental disorder. And resilience and grit are just fancy terms for executive functioning. Executive functioning is the ability to self-regulate, and that's what resilience and grit are, and those are crucial skills.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

He is a language pathologist, executive functioning specialist, and creator of the Grow Now Internal Skills Coaching Model. His work focuses on helping children build the internal skills that lead to greater confidence, resilience, and independence, not just better behavior in the moment. Thanks so much for joining us, Mike.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here.

Behavior Or ADHD Signals

SPEAKER_00 1:14

You know, say a child is six or older and they come to you. What where would you say this is within normal? This is within we're look we're thinking more ADHD.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Really, all of the science and research goes to parent training at that specific age. So we have to see what's happening. You know, what is their screen time like? Are they on screens far too much? That's going to heavily dysregulate the child and cause them to be much more dysregulated during periods of non-screen time. Are they receiving an audience to their behaviors? Are their behaviors working? It's totally normal for a young child to poke and prod and provoke and even at some points, you know, emotionally manipulate, if you will, and pull at parents' heartstrings and, you know, say shock value things. It's very important for the parents to have confidence in those moments to not bring too much attention to those things. You know, it's really all about, you know, where are they getting their dopamine? Are they getting dopamine through a screen? Are they getting dopamine through conflict? Are they getting dopamine through negative attention seeking? So we have to look at exactly what's happening in their day-to-day. You know, we have very extensive intake forms with the work that we do, and we need to know what is a child's day-to-day look like? What is their screen time look like? How are they doing at home, at school, socially? You know, you want to start being concerns, having concerns when you see issues in multiple areas. Like, you know, it's it's very common for kids to be at their worst at home because that's you know what the brain does not respond well to. The brain responds best to structure and condition. Yeah. So we have to look at how this child's doing in multiple environments, coach up the parents, coach up the teachers, and help the teachers have the tools to give this child brain breaks, to make sure that there's appropriate consequences in the moment, to make sure they're not their behaviors, the negative attention-seeking behaviors, simply are not working in the moment, which unintentionally reinforces them.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Okay. So what I'm hearing is first and foremost, if you have a child you're wondering if there's ADHD going on, especially around this age of maybe six to nine. First and foremost, we got to split out what's behavioral versus what might be actual brain chemistry challenges for why this kid is being disruptive at home or explosive emotionally. Like, are there patterns of ways that they're getting that dopamine hit, like you said, that the parents are going back? And so they're they're vibing with that and it's enforcing more versus okay, if we square off all of the behavior side, then we start seeing if, you know, I think of the can't versus won't. It's not that the child is choosing to do these behaviors, but just doesn't have the capacity to focus. Is that what I'm hearing?

ADHD Is Executive Functioning

SPEAKER_01 4:03

So, you know, overall, ADHD is not an attention disorder or a focus disorder. It is an executive functioning disorder. And it's a very important thing. Say more about that.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Yeah. So so so it so ADHD is a horrible name for ADHD, and the pioneers in this field are doing everything, everything they can to change the name. So all this focus on attention and focus and hyperactivity and inattentiveness is very old and outdated. It's really a disorder of executive functioning. It is EFDD, executive functioning developmental disorder. And most people hear the term executive functioning and they think it's just time management and organization. That also is incredibly outdated information. Executive functioning is the greatest predictor of success for human beings, the most crucial set of skills for humans to develop. It is number one, the ability to be self-aware and recognize that the things you do affect others and affect yourself, understanding reciprocity of relationships and how and the impact you have on others. Then we have self-regulation, the ability to regulate your emotions, your language, your body, your behavior in various environments towards various stimuli. So it's not hyperactivity, it's the inability to regulate your body. It's not inattentiveness, it's the inability to regulate your thoughts. It's all self-regulation. Dr. Russell Barkley, the worldwide leader on ADHD, doesn't call it attention deficit disorder. He calls it self-regulation deficit disorder. So this whole concept of attention and focus is nonsense. That's just uh very arbitrary, vague terms that don't help anyone. It's all the ability to self-regulate, which is part of the reasons why in today's world you can't mention ADHD without also mentioning an incredibly debilitating screen addiction and ADHD kids being the biggest victims of big tech predatory marketing because they can't regulate their screen, they can't regulate their screen use. And five, 10 minutes on YouTube, Fortnite, Roblox, Minecraft is going to completely fry their brain, and nothing is going to stimulate their brain the same way that screen can, besides conflict. So ADHD kids are stuck in this loop of screens and conflict, screens and conflict. And then the third pillar is self-motivation, the ability to motivate yourself towards non-perferred tasks. And let's be honest, for most ADHD kids, it's basically everything non-screen based, including taking taking a shower, brushing your teeth, going outside, making friends, keeping friends, doing your homework, following any of your parents' prompts. Besides being on a screen or starting a fight, everything else is outside of their comfort zone. Then you the fourth pillar is self-evaluation, which is the ability to learn from past experiences and apply it to the present moment so we don't repeat mistakes over and over again, which is why I refer to ADHD parenting as like Groundhog's Day, if you're dealing with the exact same behaviors every single day.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

And so you have to find ways to like not expect that the kid's going to be able to hold that knowledge of the cause and effect of what happened the day before. We have to approach that in different ways. Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yeah. And that's why being a strong authoritative parent is so incredibly important with over 50 years of research to back it up. Why you need to be a strong authoritative parenting and all this nonsense online about gentle parenting and low-demand parenting and permissive parenting is making things so much worse.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Oh, I couldn't agree more. I love that you bring up this point about ADHD kids' brains really wanting and desiring technology so much. And I think this is a constant battle I hear with a lot of parents is it's a chicken and egg cycle. Like I hate that his brain gets so fried by it and he's so emotional whenever we turn it off. But it seems like the only thing that gives us a break sometimes or that he'll really like engage in. Can you tell us anything about what you know about the research? Why are their brains really so drawn to and also very overwhelmed by technology?

The Dopamine Loop Of Screens

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Yeah, because they're stuck in the moment, they're time-blind, and their brains are hardwired towards instant gratification. That's what ADHD is. ADHD is the instant gratification path of least resistance brain. It's not what did I do in the past that made me feel good about myself that I can do now, or what can I do in the future that allows me to plan, prioritize, problem solve, and delay gratification. That's what time blindness is: a lack of hindsight and a lack of foresight. So they're stuck in the present moment. Their brains are hardwired towards instant gratification. So it's what gives me dopamine right now, what gives me that rush right now. And that's screens or conflict. And those are the things that give them dopamine right now in the moment without thinking about in the past when I use too many screens and I didn't feel good, or I caused too much conflict and I didn't feel good. It's just no, I need dopamine right now and they're seeking it out right now. So every single parent of ADHD kids knows deep down that the screens are absolutely horrible for their kids. There's, you know, the only reason, the only reason that they continue to give their kids screens. Number one, most parents are addicted now. And those are adults with fully developed brains and a full cognition. And for some reason they think that their kid is going to learn how to balance screens and gain the skill and gain the skills to not be on them. Meanwhile, you as an adult can't even do that. You're looking at it, you're looking at it as soon as you wake up. It's the last thing you look at before you go to sleep. You're grabbing it at every single red light. And you think your 15, 16-year-old can balance a screen. It's not going to happen. Number two is fear. They know if they cancel their kid's phone plan or get rid of the iPad or get rid of the video games, the kid is going to have some very serious withdrawal behaviors. So they're doing everything they can to not have to deal with those behaviors. And then they keep the screens in the kid's life and everything gets worse. They think the kid is somehow going to lose friends or be ostracized socially if they remove the screens. Meanwhile, you know, what happens every single time? You have an ADHD kid who struggles socially, and parents think, hey, let me get him Fortnite, Roblox, Minecraft, a phone, and let me give him a social advantage. Then what ends up happening? They end up spending more time in their room by themselves behind closed doors. So in so the whole the whole idea of screens being social is big tech propaganda. It's absolute lies. It's absolute lies to convince you to get your kid a phone. And every single parent listening to this podcast knows ever since I bought my kid a phone or gave them online games, they became far more depressed, dormant, and antisocial. Yeah. So all of this fear, all of this propaganda, all of this nonsense is causing parents to keep the screens in their lives. And we have never worked with a single family in the 10 years of Grown Out that removed screens and ended up regretting it. Yeah every single time, every single time they saw massive progress, the child was more regulated, more calm, more able to do tasks, and it vastly improved their social

Fear Keeps Tech In Place

SPEAKER_01 11:12

lives.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

What would you say is something you've, you know, learned that surprised you about why parents aren't doing those things you're talking about?

SPEAKER_01 11:24

You know, just how deep-seated parenting fears are. You know, so many parents are legitimately scared of their kids' reactions. They're legitimately scared that their kid is going to stop being their best friend or hold some sort of lifelong grudge against them, or they're going to traumatize their child and the child's going to get PTSD by being an authoritative parent. It's really scary just how much fear-mongering there is on these parents. And, you know, these parents completely waving the white flag to big tech and saying, my kid needs to have a phone. My kid, if he doesn't have a phone, he's not going to have friends, he's not going to have a life. And just how much parents repeat the same propaganda of, oh, it's a tech-filled world. He has to, he has to have it now, so he's ready for the future. It's, it's, it's, it, it's, it blows my mind how much parents, you know, how deep rooted their fears are and how much they are believing in in pseudoscience.

Authoritative Parenting Builds Skills

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

And you're absolutely right. I see it all the time. I think that's we somehow this overly gentle parenting movement has like given the Kool-Aid to people they don't even realize they've drank. That puts the emotions on a pedestal above resilience and grit and all the other things we know in science scientifically are really gonna help your child thrive in life.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Exactly. And resilience and grit are just fancy terms for executive functioning. Executive functioning is the ability to self-regulate, and that's what resilience and grit are. And those are crucial skills. It's almost as if in parenting we forgot the number one cardinal rule of the day is eventually gonna come where you're not gonna be able to take care of your child anymore. You can't move into that college dorm with your child. You can't go with them to job interviews, you can't convince their bosses to keep them employed. You can't convince someone to, you know, marry them and be their spouse and help them. And you can't convince the elect the electricity company to just, you know, let a bill slide. You know, you're not gonna be able to, yeah, you're not gonna be able to help them for their entire lives. They need to gain these skills now. You know, America Now leads the world in first semester college dropouts because all of these kids are graduating high school, they're holding that diploma in their hand, and they're realizing I never did anything by myself. My mom helped me every step of the way. I had a 200-page IEP, a uh a 50-page 504, every accommodation in the book. I was able to turn things in the last day of the marking period. I had extended time on everything, and my parents did literally everything for me. I have no independent skill. So they go to college and they just lay in bed on their phone all day and don't even go to class.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Yeah, and they don't know how to manage when life it does not snowplow for them, when life does have challenges that they have to be able to emotionally get through. And they've never had to do it before.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Yeah. Yeah. They've always been saved.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

Completely. And this is, I love to say this too in the work that I do with the parents of young kids. It's like, do the work now. If you think it's hard to watch your three-year-old like go through a tantrum and you not rescue them, it's a lot harder to watch your 23-year-old be a college dropout and unable to hold a job or maintain a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Correct.

Let Tantrums Run Their Course

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Tantrums are completely normal. It is normal for kids to tantrum. It's normal for kids to have behaviors. Every time I talk about kids emotionally manipulating or kids having negative attention-seeking behaviors, I always get all these pushbacks of, oh, how dare you say kids do that? How dare you say kids could manipulate their parents? That's totally normal behavior. Neurotypical kids do that. You and I both did that to our parents. Everyone listening to this right now did it to their parents. That kids are supposed to do that. That's part of being a child. But you can't act like all these behaviors are a barometer for your success as a parent and everything is your responsibility. Let your kid cry, let them have a tantrum, give them space to figure it out on their own. Go put, go put in some noise-canceling headphones and get out of there. Stop trying to end the tantrum as quickly as possible.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Yes. Oh my gosh, I couldn't agree more. Mike, I so appreciate everything that you're sharing. I'm so glad. I hope parents that are thinking their kid has ADHD have really taken away something from this conversation today, whether it's as simple as boom, I'm at least gonna start minimizing or completely eliminating how much my kid's on tech, or if it's, you know, wow, I'm starting to recognize that this, I need to work on executive functioning. I cannot just pretend that this is just a part of who he is and something I need to coddle and, you know, take care of, but that it's my job to build those muscles he's lacking of how to manage emotions. So what would you say is your top advice? Like if a parent could do one thing today to make a better projection for their kid who they're seeing is struggling with executive functioning, what would your top piece of advice be?

Cut Tech And Use Fewer Words

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Well, obviously the number one thing is to, you know, eliminate technology. You know, you're you're you know, the best thing we live in a world right now where the greatest advantage you can give your child is to not give them a phone. That sets the massive, massive success. So if so don't be afraid to cancel your child's phone plan and get rid of the Fortnite Roblox Minecraft not needed. So if you have the ability to do that, please do that immediately because executive functions are real world skills. And if they live their life in the virtual world, they're not gonna develop real world skills.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

And I love what you're doing outside of I just want to comment real quickly that I love that you're saying like it's not a Pandora's box that can't be closed. Even if you've introduced the phone, the roadblocks, it's you are still the parent. You are still in charge of the technology access. And it's okay to say, you know what, I realize this isn't great and we're getting rid of it. It may you'll definitely probably see the like withdrawal like they would if they were on a drug, because that is what it's been doing to their brain. But don't be afraid of it.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Correct, exactly. And and every single parent listening to this knows that. And if you take it, take a deep breath, look in the mirror, the only reason your child still has those things is because you are afraid of those withdrawal behaviors. Yeah. So you're just you're just delaying, delaying. So outside of all the screen stuff, the number one rule of all of ADHD parent coaching is to use 90% less language. Stop with the lectures, stop with the monologue, stop with the talking, talking, talking, talking. Remember, all ADHD behaviors need an audience. The more you talk, the more your language is making their dysregulation worse. Say things once and get out of there. Stop providing a behavior in audience to their negative behaviors.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Thank you so much. I'm just like, I wish I could be having some sort of sound effect that's like a standing ovation for everything that you've shared. Thank you. Thank you. You can put it in there. It's hard to do that.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Okay, I'll look for it. Put some clapping in there. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

Well, thank you so much. And I know you have additional resources. So thank you for everything you've offered. And if a parent would like to pursue more of your support, what would that road look like?

Resources And Where To Follow

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Yeah, so you can find more information and fill out the intake forms at grownowadh.com. You can follow me on Instagram at grownow ADHD. Check out the ADHD parenting podcast and all those resources out there as well. And I also have a book, the Executive Functioning Playbook, uh, so you can check out my book, uh, available wherever books are sold.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Fantastic. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Yeah, thanks for having me, and thanks for all you do with this podcast. It's a great resource for parents.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.