Here's What Most Couples Are Missing If They're Fighting Over Screens, Discipline & Respect

Are you and your partner constantly arguing about screen time, discipline, bedtime, or respect? It may feel like you're fighting over parenting decisions—but what if those topics aren't the real issue?

In this episode, I share the surprising reason so many couples get stuck in the same parenting arguments over and over. I'll explain the hidden emotional needs that often sit beneath disagreements about consequences, technology, and raising respectful kids, and I'll give you one simple shift that can help you reconnect as teammates instead of opponents.

You'll also hear a personal story about how my own messiness was quietly hurting my marriage—not because of the clutter itself, but because of what it represented underneath. By the end of this episode, you'll understand why so many parenting conflicts become so emotional... and what to do instead.

If you've ever wondered:

•  Why parenting disagreements escalate so quickly 
•  How to stop fighting with your spouse about discipline 
•  How to parent as a united team 
•  How to improve communication in your marriage while raising kids 
•  How to practice kind and firm parenting together 

...this episode is for you.

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Transcript

Intro Hook And The One Shift

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Have you been throwing daggers at each other in your relationship? Like you never follow through on any consequences. You're too mean, you're hard on them, and they're just kids. Or you are always letting them get away with stuff. That's why they don't respect us. Friend, you are not alone. Today I want to give you the one shift that can stop so many recurring arguments, whether they're about tech or respect or discipline. And you'll really understand it by the end because I'm gonna share how my messiness was ruining my marriage, and it wasn't for the reason you probably think. Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here.

Why Consequences Fights Keep Happening

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Okay, so in the realm of what people are often fighting about, they're typically missing one key thing that really solves it, and they end up fighting about all these other details and things on the surface, thinking that that's the thing. So, first of all, let's talk about what we get caught up in on the surface. One major thing I hear is about consequences or disciplining. How are we correcting the behavior we don't like? One parent may be giving in too much, one parent may be being too firm and even like yelling or saying things like, Why do you always have to do this? And let me tell you, underneath that, usually the parent who is who is too harsh is like, gosh, am I becoming my dad? And the other is thinking, Am I failing as a parent? Because nobody likes yelling at their kids and nobody likes giving in and feeling like your kids can just walk all over you. But there are reasons that happens. What's underneath the surface of giving in or being too harsh is a deeper emotional need, and that's what's missing.

The Emotional Needs Under Tech

SPEAKER_00 2:12

The deeper emotional need for the harsh parent is usually respect. I want to know I'm raising a kid that's gonna be respectful to me for all that I am doing. And also it's not usually just about them. We can get mad, like, you know, don't have such an ego or grow up. He doesn't have to like always treat you perfectly or whatever the things we harshly can say to our partners. But usually I'm gonna stereotype here, the dad is often the one saying, I want him to be more respectful. And it's not just about me, it's because I want a person that's going to succeed in this world. I know all the pressures that weigh on my shoulders to provide for this family. And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to stereotype many women are being the sole providers for families. I'm just saying generally, these are things I hear a lot, especially from men, that they feel the burden, especially of providing in a way that moms don't feel. Now, moms feel mom guilt in a way that dads don't feel. So we each have things that weigh on us heavier that the other person may not fully feel in the same way, and and therefore usually doesn't understand very well with deep, true empathy. So the parent that is wanting the respect is because they feel the pressure of wanting this kid to succeed in the world. And isn't that a worthy reason? Thousand percent. The parent who's giving in is probably exhausted that they are putting in so much effort. Lots of times this happens with overly gentle parenting, especially. They are working so hard. That parent, often the mom, is working so hard to be the safe place that a child can come to for security and to know that their feelings are okay. And that's fantastic. However, it's also exhausting. And so sometimes when a boundary has to be holed, it's like, you know what? I'm gonna let that go. I want to save my energy to be that safe place. So the value underneath for that parent is I want this child to feel safe and secure. And both of these are so important. The same happens with technology. Like if we're disagreeing about tech, it's probably on the surface looks like one is giving too much and the other is being too strict. Underneath that, the one who's giving too much is probably exhausted and just looking for some way to get a break. And the one who is being too quote, too strict is concerned with the statistics they're seeing about how technology just literally fries the brain with cortisol and which is like battery acid to the brain, and gets the child literally in a pattern of addiction because that's how all even educational games on iPads and certainly everything that's on YouTube, like and everything in social media, trains the brain to be addicted. So both of those are very worthy causes, exhaustion and knowing the depth of the statistics around technology. So what's underneath for both is so crucial and important. But if we just look at the surface, we just think the other person's being ridiculous. And same with respect. I find so much that's just such a surface thing that one parent can be like, it's fine, he's just two, he's learning, and the other's like, no, he's gonna learn it right now. And both of those are from a place of either compassion or again, wanting this kid to be successful, whether that's in kindergarten or as a roommate in college, employee, or future business owner. So instead of coming to each other and asking or accusing why are you too strict or why are you too soft, that's gonna keep you just butting heads.

Messiness, Perfectionism, And A Breakthrough

SPEAKER_00 6:06

I want you to think about the moment I had with my husband that just unlocked so many things. We were at a marriage retreat with a local counselor, which was so helpful. And we got into what was really something in the other person that was hard for us, but we were asked to think about what's really underneath that. What's the story we tell ourselves about that thing? And so my thing is I'm so messy. You guys, it's ridiculous. If you could see like my desk right now, as I'm looking around me, I have a stack of papers with a flip-flop on top of it because I sent my sister a picture of that because she wants to buy the same kind of flip-flops. I have pencil and a and multiple hair ties strewn about from various moments I've put my hair up or taking it down. I have a random pencil, multiple pencils all around this desk. I have envelopes and some stickers I was meaning to send to some clients, and they're in two separate stacks. It's just like chaos. I am so bad at just starting projects and leaving things places. Now, the story I tell myself when my husband's annoyed with this stuff everywhere, is that he's too much of a perfectionist. He's just too critical, and nobody could be as perfect as him, and he needs to just be more understanding. Like, why do you have to think everything has to be perfect? Can't you just be more understanding? That story I tell myself just looking on the surface when he's like frustrated again, the office is a mess that we share. Is that he is being critical and he just can't accept other people for being not as perfect as him because he's like such a type A amazing organized person that is such a strength of his. Now, when we got on this conversation, it unlocked so much for us. In that when I actually got to asking him, what is it for you? This is what I imagine is going on. This is the story I tell myself. He's like, that's not it at all. The reason I get frustrated with you is not that I expect you to be the same type a person as me. It's that when I see things around, I tell myself the story that, oh, she's assuming that I don't have anything better to do than to walk around the house and pick up after her. She must just not value my time as much as her own and thinks that it's fine for me to have to do all the extra work of cleanup. Ah, that hit so differently. Because the compassionate side of me that loves and adores my husband, of course, never would want to do something that sends a message that I don't care about his time and that I think he should walk around cleaning up after me. I mean, that's awful. And I had never considered it from his point of view that that's what he feels his emotional story is underneath the surface. And knowing that has really changed how both of us see moments when I'm messy. Like he either just says outwardly, there's stuff everywhere, please take time to clean it up, instead of feeling like I'm somehow sending a subtle message that he has to do it. And I, when I hear his correction, remember deep down, this is about him feeling like his time matters as much as mine. And of course it does. So the ability to be like, yeah, I got you. I love you, I want you to know that it's not your job to pick up my crap. I'm gonna take care of it. We never would have gotten there if we hadn't started by first looking at the story we were telling ourselves in our head about the other's actions, and then looked at what's the unmet emotional need that's really there.

Stories We Tell Ourselves

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Being able to get curious instead of furious with each other, just like I recommend we are often doing with our kids, is so important in this conversation. And it's hard, and it's freaking hard. We we go in default by just our judgments, our assumptions, that is how we are wired, that's how we move quickly through the world. I think once I was told we get like 10,000 pieces of information a day that our brain is trying to quickly take in, assess, and then respond to. I mean, to see number one, is there a threat to life or emotion? And then secondly, you know, is there something I have to do with this? Things that we hear, am I smelling smoke? Am I hearing a baby cry? Am I, you know, noticing this thing over here I have to take care of? Is there a ping that reminds me I have to check my text message or my email? Like 10,000 pieces of information. So, of course, to move quickly through that, we have shortcuts that don't often serve us well, like assumptions, stories we tell ourselves, and not looking at what we really need from the other person, but just blaming on the surface from those assumptions. So, friend, the number one thing that most parents are missing when they keep fighting and being on opposite sides of things like screens, respect, and discipline is simply that they have not taken the time to ask themselves what's the story I'm telling myself here about the other person's actions. And secondly, what is my true emotional need in this area? And can we solve around that? Going back to some of my earlier examples, like if you're having differences about technology and one's like, I'm just so exhausted, I'm gonna let them have more time, and the other's like, nah, I'm so worried about their brain being fried. Well, then we can really get to possible solutions when we're talking about the real thing each one of us can is concerned about. So, okay, if you're exhausted, what else could we possibly do to problem solve? Like, you know, having a big batch of homemade play-doh or being able to put on an audiobook or, you know, the anything that is, you know, still possibly a little more self-entertaining without us needing to have on a show or hand them our phone. Similarly, for that parent that's like, I'm just so concerned about this frying their brain, like that could meet both needs.

Kindness And Firmness Middle Ground

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Okay, we meet in the middle. For discipline, if you have one person who wants to be the emotional safe place and the other who really wants to raise respectful kids, that middle ground is kindness and firmness at the same time. Phrases like I love you, and the answer is no. Agreements in advance that explain what are going to be the boundaries and consequences if you choose this behavior so that when the child chooses it, they own that outcome. And it's not just about us being mean or yelling or throwing out a bunch of big threats. There are so many ways you can come to the middle and both be a safe emotional space and be raising kids that are respectful and responsible. And Fred, if you're looking for help with that, that is my jam. That's what I love to help couples or individuals with. And you can reach out via the information in the show notes to set up a clarity call with me to just talk one-on-one, see if it's a good fit. We just take 15 to 20 minutes to do that. But, friend, for to now, I hope that the practical tool you take away is to think of something that's been bothering you in your partner, something you've been disagreeing with them about, and write down first of all, what's the story I'm telling myself about why this person's doing this thing? And then what is my true emotional need? What's really important to me about this thing? And bring it to your partner and see if they're open to hearing that and problem solving with you. The tantrums aren't your opponent, the screens aren't your opponent, the disrespect isn't your opponent. The real challenge is being able to get curious, not furious. And things aren't connecting. Can I step out of the easy place of shooting daggers from my eyes towards the other and instead leaning in with curiosity? I probably don't really understand what's going on for you about this thing, and I want to know. All right, friend, I hope this is useful for you this week and helps

Wrap Up And Bedtime Teaser

SPEAKER_00 15:00

to strengthen your marriage so you together with your partner can be parenting with more kindness and firmness at the same time. So parenting finally feels sustainable. Next up, we're gonna talk bedtimes, because I keep hearing about this, about kids that are struggling with kind of night terrors or early evening wakeups because of going to bed so late, or just struggles around it being light for so long. So if you're having summer struggles with bedtime, join me in the next session. See you then. Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.