153. How to Discipline Without Yelling or Threatening to Cancel Christmas

Ever threatened something ridiculous in the heat of a parenting moment… like canceling Christmas?

You’re not alone.

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, Flora McCormick shares a powerful shift that helps parents discipline without yelling, threatening, or escalating power struggles with kids.

After working with a dad of three who found himself regularly reaching for extreme punishments when his kids ignored him, Flora introduces a simple but transformative tool: Notice + Curiosity Questions.

Instead of commands like “Why can’t you just listen?”, you’ll learn how curiosity can help kids move into problem-solving mode and dramatically increase cooperation.

You’ll also learn:

• Why discipline is meant to teach—not punish
• How the “discipline pyramid” helps reduce constant consequences
• The common Coo-Coo Cycle parents fall into with commands and punishments
• How curiosity questions help stop power struggles with kids
• A powerful reflection tool (WWHD) that teaches kids what to do differently next time

If you’re looking for positive discipline strategies, gentle discipline tools, and realistic ways to get kids to listen without yelling, this episode will give you practical language you can start using today.

Because Sustainable Parenting is all about raising resilient, cooperative kids while staying a calm, confident parent.

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Transcript

Canceling Christmas Trap

SPEAKER_00 0:00

How to discipline without yelling. Let me tell you about a dad I worked with recently. He looked at me during a coaching call and said, I'm just tired of constantly having nothing to reach for but canceling Christmas. And we laughed. It was like, he's not someone who is overly strict. It's just that when he was wanting to control the biggest upsets, he would reach for the biggest punishments. Cancel Christmas or your birthday. Take everything away. We're shutting the whole things down. We're throwing away everything you have. Have you been there? Today's tool actually is way easier for me and gets me in a place where the kids listen and cooperation is simple and it takes me less energy. So I can't wait to share with you this simple two-phrase sentence that dramatically changed things for Jack. Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. When you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, you have dependable calm and resilience built in your child. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Also be sure you subscribe to the podcast so that you regularly get the downloads each week and don't miss a single tool and strategy to be parenting with more kindness and firmness at the same time so parenting finally feels sustainable. First key idea here before I share the tool that is so simple, two phrases within one sentence, we have to clear something up. Because most of us were raised with a misunderstanding about discipline. We were taught discipline equals punishment. But historically, the word discipline comes from disciple, which means to teach. So discipline is more about teaching than punishment. So first we got to rewire that. So consequences, of course, can be a part of discipline. Don't like want to forget that at all. That might be that, you know, like my son recently lost his watch, and we had told him up front that this is a hundred-plus dollar item. If you lose it, you will be paying for the replacement. And he did lose it and he paid for the replacement. Discipline teaching can sometimes involve a consequence. But we like to think of it like the food pyramid. Like that top is the sugar and the fats. And as we go down, it's grains and lower, it's fruits and vegetables, right? We want to be broadening our tool belt of the other things that we're using so that those types of punishments are just the tip. Because if they're our go-to, we end up being in what I call the cuckoo cycle. If we are using commands and consequences as our main two tools, even if the commands are kind explanatory things, but when they don't work, we don't know what else to do but to reach for a consequence. We're probably feeling like crazy because it's just leading to more fights, rebellion. We feel like they don't respect us. We can put all these other labels on it. But the fact of the matter is, you're just in a cuckoo cycle. The cuckoo cycle does not work for most kids. Now, if you've seen it work with another kid, that may be that they fall in that unique 40% of rule following, easygoing, flexible, and caring a lot about the rules, kind of a kid. But statistically, we know only about 40% of kids fall in that area. And we have 15% that are more strong-willed and want power and control, 15% that are more sensitive, slow to warm up. And then we have the a mix filling out the rest. So if you have a kid that is not a 40%er, is a 60%er, we got to broaden our tool belt. Let's not be in the cuckoo cycle. And instead, today, this tool is one that I give parents within my Rolodex of about 50 key tools that really get parenting to feel so different and more effective and more ease and joy in the home. And this phrase teaches instead of just being about punishment. So, most important thing is we have to start with understanding discipline equals how do I teach my child? And sometimes that involves consequence, but let's have it be the tip of the food pyramid, as little as possible, reaching for that. And instead having a base of our triangle that has so many other aspects involved. So you may be saying, Well, what else is there, Flora, when they're not listening, they're not being respectful or kind? And we'll get to that in one sec. All right. This is the shift that changed things for this dad. Instead of saying, Why can't you get your coat on? And what in the world are you doing horsing around? Why haven't you done what I'm asking you to do? You switch to this simple two-step formula. Notice plus curiosity question. The recipe is that simple. Notice plus curiosity question. It sounds like this. I notice your plate is still on the table. Where do plates go when they're when we're done? Or I notice you aren't up here brushing your teeth. What's your plan for that? And friend, my most popular video on Instagram is me showing this working in real time. And it's not scripted. I my kids are not acting. I literally just turned on the camera because it was a tool I use so often. I wanted people to see the magic that it like feels like you've got this easy button almost because it's phenomenal how often it works. And it did. And people love seeing that video. So go check it out on my Instagram, Sustainable Parenting, if that's something you're curious about. Like, I don't know if I believe this. You can see it in real time. No arguing, no power struggles, just cooperation. It feels like magic when you try this tool. And it's so simple, it's really memorable. Like, okay, I don't, I don't always know exactly how to validate with the right words. And am I saying it slow enough? Or am I, you know, there may be pieces that that are hard about other strategies you've been learning. This doesn't have to feel hard. I notice, then curiosity question. Now, curiosity questions are not always something people understand. Now, I'm not saying can you, will you? A true curiosity question is something that engages the child's brain to think of an answer. So if you want to understand the curiosity questions better in episode 133, I should break that down more in the episode called Positive Discipline Tools to End Power Struggles. But the essence is we're asking questions that engage the child in thinking about and being a partner in a solution. So it's not just can you be obedient? It's hey, what do we need to do to take care of this plate? What's our agreement about this? Or what's your plan for getting done? What needs to happen here? That feels so different, right? Instead of treating them like a golden retriever or robot, we're treating them like humans. This is a foundational principle in positive discipline that it's mutual respect. We want respect from the child, and we make sure we're always offering and modeling respect to the child. So I'm not going to treat you just like a golden retriever that should just come when I say come and sit when I say sit. You're a human. So, like, how can we solve this? What's our plan? How can we work through this struggle? Is a very different approach. And guess what? Kids respond very positively when treated that way. So we can use this to motivate better behavior when we're asking a child to stop or start. And we can use it when we're trying to process something that has been a sad choice. So if you get a report home from school that your child slashed at the teacher, swatted at them, or another student, and you're like, How do I punish them? How do I discipline? I want you to reach for the same concept. My goal is to teach. And so let's use I notice and some questions. So for this, I think of I notice paired with WWHD series of questions. And I dive more into this in episode 123, how to take responsibility instead of just saying I'm sorry. So definitely check that out as well. But the thinking here is I could say, wow, I noticed you made a sad choice at school. Let's talk about it. And I think of a framework of WWHD in questions. What were you wanting or feeling? That's the first W. What did you do with that want or feeling? That's your second W. H, how did that work out? Boy, that made the teacher very sad, or you missed out on recess. And finally, D is what could you do differently next time? Again, this really is teaching more than punishing. Let's think through that this moment happened for a reason. You didn't have tools, you were missing the tools or the ability in that moment to be calm enough to use your effective tools. So let's make a plan for how you can manage your feelings or make different choices. So different when you approach discipline that way. You don't get to this panicky place of I'm canceling Christmas. And so again, I think of Jack, who said to me, Oh my gosh, Fleur, I did it last night. They were like not listening to me. And I just said, Hey, I notice your body's still down here and not in the bath. And they looked at me and they just like walked up the stairs. I was like, whoa, I didn't even have to get to the curiosity question. And then there was another time where we were trying to get out the door, and then I said, Hey, I notice your shoes aren't on. And he kind of just looked at me. So then I followed with the curiosity question. Hey, what do you need to do to take care of that? And he walked upstairs, found his shoes that were missing, and came right back down. Like there was literally no interaction. It just floored me how easy it was, how cooperative he was, and how calm it helped me to stay in the moment, not yelling, not threatening, not getting in a power struggle, but just keeping it positive. Oh, it felt so good. So, friend, this is your framework this week to look for moments, whether it is motivating them to start or stop something, or processing a situation that didn't go well, where you use I notice plus curiosity questions. Such a different model of how to discipline, how to teach. And if this is something that works well for you, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out by leaving a comment on this episode in the um bottom of the show notes where you see the option to be able to leave a review, or feel free to reach out with a question by visiting my website, sustainableparenting.com. There's an easy way to directly contact me, and I'd love to hear from you. Questions are always welcome. Alright, friend, next week we are gonna get into how do we respond to those rude reactions like back talk and ignoring. Can't wait to see them. Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.