Sustainable Parenting | Positive Discipline for Raising Resilient Kids

141. 3 Positive Shifts to Raise Respectful Kids

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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What do we do when our kids are disrespectful — they aren't listening, and they have attitude — and it starts draining the life out of us?

This week on the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, I’m joined by my husband for a candid, coffee-on-the-couch conversation about disrespectful behavior in kids, the number one frustration I hear from dads in parent coaching. Together, we explore why this issue sparks so many power struggles, how moms and dads often experience it differently, and what’s really happening beneath the surface when kids push back.

We break down the top two reasons kids come across as disrespectful, and then share a Positive Parenting Strategy that surprises many parents. (Spoiler alert: how to get kids to listen has far less to do with fixing your child — and far more to do with shifting how we respond as parents.)

You’ll hear us wrestle with the tension between gentle parenting and firm boundaries, and land on a grounded, realistic middle road rooted in Kind and Firm Parenting, Positive Discipline, and Calm Confident Parenting. This episode offers practical tools to stop power struggles with kids, set clear limits without yelling, and respond to disrespect without escalating the conflict.

If you’re craving parenting without yelling, wondering how to stop tantrums and back talk, or hoping to raise respectful, resilient kids while staying connected, this conversation will feel validating, honest, and doable.

Pull up a seat, sip your coffee with us, and join us as we explore how to guide kids with both kindness and firmness — at the same time.

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SPEAKER_01:

Hey friend, I'm so glad to welcome you to today's special episode where I am sitting down with my husband to talk about the top questions that dads are often asking me why are my kids disrespectful and how do we get them to be more respectful? Friend, this conversation is really something I hope you can relate to because I was raised by a kindergarten teacher, my husband was raised by the warden of the state prison. We both come at it with different perspectives of wanting to attune to emotions or discipline. And I hope that you will leave with an essence of feeling like either side of that conversation is validated and that you have a pathway forward if you're experiencing disrespect from your kids. When you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, parenting finally feels sustainable. You have dependable calm and resilience built in your child. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here. A lot of people name, quote, not listening as being disrespectful. And we were going, okay, wait, let's like really back that up. So if every time a two-year-old doesn't do what you ask, you start labeling that as disrespectful, it's kind of missing a whole truth about what is developmentally going on for a two-year-old.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Uh so what we decided is like kids make decisions on consequences. Like there's like a negative consequence or there's a positive consequence. Cause and effect. Cause and effect. Like it's that way. Especially when they're younger, like a two-year-old.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, if I do this, this happy thing will happen. And if I don't do this, the sad thing will happen.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um and that's it. And that's because that's how their brains are built to learn. That's it.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, that's like they don't work better than that.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you like because think about it. Like, oh, how do they learn to crawl? It's not that someone comes down and gives them a good argument. You know, you can get somewhere faster if you'd move that body. No, it's like their body kind of spontaneously wiggles and then they feel it move a little bit forward. They get a positive response. They're like, I think I'm gonna do more of that. And it just continues to elaborate from there. That's how they start walking, that's how they start to talk, is they like make a sound and they get a positive reaction out of people, they start getting their needs met. Like it's all cause and effect how their brain is built. So if you're then going to that two-year-old and thinking cognitively, you can talk them into making better choices, it's just as much as if I want you to think about going up to that baby and convincing them why it makes sense to start walking.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's like just as ridiculous. Reasoning with like a small child is just like the perfect way to just get pissed about the world.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, like, I think if more parents apply that thinking, so part of it is adjusting your expectation. Yeah. What this is that they need more cause and effect when they're not listening, let's as parents figure out what they need as a more clear effect that makes it so that they're not getting, you know, the pathways are clear. Good choices lead to good results, sad choices lead to sad ones.

SPEAKER_02:

And that type of reasoning like goes on actually essentially, like our entire lives. Like that never completely ends. It's like maybe their only function at the beginning or only way of deciding things. And then as they age, they start to like take more in as well. Moral reasoning is like, is is mirroring behaviors.

SPEAKER_01:

That brings up the the point two we were talking about is like, okay, wait. Really, the reason pe kids are disrespectful is A, they are testing rules and boundaries, looking for cause and effect. And the next reason might be that they're watching what's happening around them.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And they're mirroring. That's just and the way you treat them.

SPEAKER_02:

I think on the more innocuous side of it, like you're super busy and you're like not paying attention to them. Like they're not, they're not prone to listen to you because they're just not going to pay attention to you then.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. If you haven't kind of put into the emotional bank account, you can't withdraw from it.

SPEAKER_02:

No, that's one of the hardest ones. But like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. If you're ignoring me, I'm gonna ignore you back. I'm gonna ignore you.

SPEAKER_02:

Like, you don't matter.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. But I hope that that's empowering and not exhausting. If you can pause, that can either take you to a shame and blame and exhausted, give up place, or it can take you to a like, wait a minute. So I hold the power to this being different. Totally. I mean, that it does feel better to be like, oh, I if I can change this, I'd like to change this. I don't want to keep fighting with my three-year-old, my six-year-old, my 12-year-old. So you do have more power to change that quote, disrespect and battle you keep having than you maybe have given credit. So, like, let this open that up instead of it feeling exhausting. Yeah, for sure. We hope. We hope for that for you today.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Boy, this is just parenting in general, is you just having to be just like humble about it. Like instead of okay, what they're not gonna be the ones to lead the change. Like you have to step back so often and be like, okay, what am I doing? Yeah, it's so hard to admit sometimes, like when things aren't going good, just it's like so easy to just like double down. Yeah, like I'm just gonna do more of whatever it is I'm doing, yeah, and that's gonna get there. Yeah, and it just like never works, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Like, there you go.

SPEAKER_02:

But that's the easier mental path, right? Like, okay, dang it, it ain't working, but I can just do more of it and it's gonna work eventually. And that is just like such a road to sadness.

SPEAKER_01:

When you have started to feel like your kid is being really disrespectful, it is the easiest pathway, like you said, to go down, like to double down in the direction that's actually making it worse, not better. I am the boss here and you will do it because I said so. We start clamping more and more. Then of course we're just gonna get more pushback. Yeah. The question is, how do you respond then? So we've talked about why kids might be disrespectful. How do you change it?

SPEAKER_02:

Um, I think one is so the cause and effect thing is making sure expectations are clear to start, and then like consequences are also clear, and that includes like positive consequences.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You gotta have positive consequences to like what your kids are doing. I mean, even if they do listen to you, is like you being like clear that that was like a good thing, like not just an expectation that they should just do, and like you'll show no response to them actually following through on something, and then only a bad response if they don't do something. Yes, like they need something positive from you.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my gosh. I think this is the number one thing that a lot of people miss, and it's probably it's also probably the number one thing you and I get distracted and we're we're off course on doing this, that it's easy to not notice the positive.

SPEAKER_02:

It's so easy to ignore good behavior.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, because you're like, oh thank God. Oh thank goodness. I can coast. Yeah, they're doing the right thing. I can like get out my phone, I can just relax, I can turn on a TV show instead. And so let me give three three of my favorite things I was just talking to clients about this week. And you tell me if you feel like those are things we've been doing or not, or that we maybe good, your thoughts on them. So one was um give positive, true character feedback. Like it's easy to do negative character feedback, that's rude, that's disrespectful. But when they do the right thing, do we do the reverse? Like, hey, that was really respectful. Hey, that was really kind, that was really generous. It's still takes it's harder. That's not our default. We're like, hey, thanks. Yeah, or hey, good job.

SPEAKER_02:

I totally agree with that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So if you can add actual character words to the positive, and I think adding character words to the negative is probably like never a good idea. It actually, that is what research shows. You're absolutely right. It's actually the advice out there largely is to focus negatively always on choices and positively on character, right? Because we want them to be like, you are who you are is kind, generous, respectful. So I only want to use character words when I'm praising that in you. And when you're doing negative, I want it to be like, boy, that was a disrespectful choice. Boy, that was a hurtful choice to those people. And I know that's not who you really are inside. That makes sense, right? Because that's that's more achievable to like you can tell when you hear it that feels like, oh, I can take in that correction without feeling bad as a person. Right. Um, okay, number two, try to connect the dots of how it works out for them, also. Like, I don't know if you hear this. Like, it's not just like, hey, good job. It's like, hey, you know what? I noticed you solved that with your sister, and you guys got to play for like two hours together instead of yesterday when you guys like just couldn't seem to figure it out and you had to go to separate rooms. Like, that's cool for you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So just doing an explanation of the positive benefits of their choices.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, connect the dots for them. That worked out this way for you, not just like I liked it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

And then third of all would be just to try to look for moments that you can also nonverbally just be giving positive feedback that like I like you and I enjoy you. And it's not always just about your behavior and actions. I'm not only going to give you a hug when I like what you did, right? But like to remember how valuable it is to do what's called like an emotional vitamin. Like kids just want to be pursued and enjoyed. And if we get into just ordering them around and a lot of our interactions being get your coat, grab your shoes, get to bed, like it's mechanical. It's like, do you see me as a person? So if we want compliments to land, we want our corrections to land, we gotta look for those spontaneous moments to do.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I think that's like so important is doing things because there's like so much parenting, is like trying to do things out of decision moments. Yeah. Like in between these moments of like, I don't know, giving a hug and being like, hi, how do you? And just like just having a little 10-second check-in sometimes of like just making sure that they feel loved and whatever makes the the the harder moments maybe a little less hard.

SPEAKER_01:

A thousand percent.

SPEAKER_02:

And all this requires mental energy to like pay attention to and whatever, but if this is like a this is you're playing like the long game of like, I know this requires maybe slightly more mental energy or whatever, but like it will lead to such better results. And like it it requires so much mental energy to argue with your kids. So if you can like find a way that like to make these situations go smoother or better or more positive, it will take significantly less uh energy to go through them.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, this I'm always saying you either spend the energy on prevention or you spend it putting out fires. Yeah. You're gonna spend it one way or the other, and one is actually a lot more exhausting than the other, and one tends to take longer. It's just that the prevention we have a choice about. We can't, we can't avoid the moment the fire's burning. So we like it's easier to default to just keep spending your energy in the fire, in the fire, in the fire, and be like, why does this fire keep happening? But if we can choose to put some energy in that prevention, like you're saying, it's worth it. It certainly has played out in our family that way.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, if you need parenting device, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting, form.

SPEAKER_01:

But if you'd like to leave a request to where about sustainable quarantine has been impacting your life, I would be so grateful. It helps others to know what's possible in their families to know when you went to so easily by scrolling to the bottom of all episodes, clicking on the updates star and leaving a comment. Also, be sure you subscribe to the podcast so that you regularly get the downloads each week and don't miss a single tool of strategy. So far, if this means I still guarantee finally feels sustainable.