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Sustainable Parenting | The kind and firm solution for resilient kids and dependable calm.
For cycle-breaking parents who still face battles at bedtime and beyond, Sustainable Parenting teaches tools that actually change behavior when gentle parenting doesn't work.
Research shows 1 in 3 parents who try gentle parenting still end the day begging kids to listen and blaming themselves when the scripts don’t stop the tantrums. So if your 6-year-old still ignores you, your toddler screams over a broken banana, and bedtime still ends in tears—it’s not you, it’s the gentle parenting advice that’s failing you.
Unlike other podcasts that only tell you to “stay calm” or “validate feelings” while your toddler is throwing dinosaurs at your head, here you’ll get strategies to set limits kids respect without crushing their spirit so they grow into kind, confident humans, and you finally feel like the calm, in-control parent you want to be.
I’m Flora McCormick—a counselor, parenting coach, and mom of two. After 20 years helping families worldwide, I’ve helped thousands of parents raise confident kids while practicing parenting without yelling or shame. Parenting will always have hard moments, but raising respectful, emotionally healthy kids doesn’t have to be a constant battle.
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Sustainable Parenting | The kind and firm solution for resilient kids and dependable calm.
136. Why Kids Push Back — and the Simple Script That Works
Do you ever find yourself thinking, “Why is she being so difficult?”
If so, you’re in the right place — and you’re definitely not alone.
I’m Flora McCormick, Licensed Professional Counselor and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant- and in this episode I’m sharing a powerful reframe that brings so much relief in those tough moments:
Instead of asking “Why is she acting out?” shift to “What is she having a hard time with?”
This one question changes the whole tone of the interaction and helps kids listen far more easily.
Inside this episode, you’ll hear:
• What defiance really looks and sounds like in ages 3–10
• Why gentle parenting can accidentally slip into permissive parenting
• My simple 3-step “Calm → Connect → Direct” script that works without yelling or endless explaining
• How to validate feelings while still holding firm boundaries
• How to use when/then statements and two-choice follow-throughs to stop power struggles
• The easiest way to avoid lecture loops and over-talking
• Three real-life scenarios (bedtime, leaving the park, sibling fights) with the exact words I use in my own home and with clients
If you’re craving Positive Parenting Strategies that actually work in the heat of the moment — not just in theory — this episode will feel like a breath of fresh air.
You’ll walk away with tools for:
- How to Get Kids to Listen,
- Parenting Without Yelling,
- Gentle Discipline,
- Kind and Firm Parenting,
- Positive Discipline,
- Raising Resilient Kids.
Press play and discover how a simple shift and a simple script can transform the hardest moments into calmer, more connected ones.
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✨NEW✨ pdfs and short video lessons on Respect, Bedtimes, Power Struggles and More: ON ETSY!
✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.
✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.
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Today we're talking about a struggle every parent knows all too well. Kids pushing back, the no in your face, or the flopping on the floor, or even the like flat out ignoring and going about their life as though you haven't just said something five times. It can be so frustrating when you see this pushback or often called defiance right in your face. And it's not just frustrating, it's offensive. Like, how dare you? I do so much for you. That is so rude. It feels disrespectful. It feels like a slap in the face. And so, of course, it's easy for us to respond in ways that don't often make it any better. We yell, we throw a tantrum back at them, basically. And today, friend, I want to help you instead to unlock why your child's doing this and a simple phrase that really pivots everything so that you can be more calm and effective, and it actually gets different responses out of the kids. Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. When you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, ugh, parenting finally feels sustainable. You have dependable calm and resilience built in your child. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and mom of two. And I'm so glad you're here. In my over 20 years of working with families, this is something I hear again and again. Parents come to me with the question: why is she being so difficult? Why is she so rude? Why doesn't she care? Can you relate? And friend, the first thing that I want to tell you is we are gonna get nowhere in improvement in this child's behavior and cooperation if we do not start with a reframe. When we are asking why, either out loud to our child or to our partner, why is she so difficult? Like a family was just telling me, we just feed off each other. We can end up texting each other, oh, WTF, like anything, just like this is so frustrating. Why are they making it so hard? Or we can end up saying it directly to our kids, why are you so difficult? Why don't you act like your sister? Why are you making this hard? Any of those whys are totally useless. I'm gonna say it that bluntly. They're actually useless because a why, first of all, believes that the kid even knows why they're doing it. And typically they don't. It's because they were built to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do, and they're just naturally acting that out because that's how they learn. Or it might be that they have underlying drives that they're not even aware of, they're looking for attention, they're looking for more power. And in their little three-year-olds, five-year-olds, even 11-year-old body, they don't know that. They're not conscious of it. It's up to us as their wise parents to be able to be clever enough to see that motivation underneath. So when your child is saying no or ignoring you, or not doing the thing that you're asking like bluntly when you have just said it five times, friend, we need to first reframe in our head from the why to a what. What is she having a hard time with? Now I want to credit that this question largely comes from the work of Ross Green in his work of writing the book The Explosive Child and also Raising Human Beings. Wonderful books that really unlock and unpack this whole concept, and I'm gonna summarize it for you here today, friend. One of the central pivotal pieces he gives is when we in our adult mind can approach the problem with a focus on what is she having a hard time with? Dig into that. It's juicy, it really shifts things. When the child says no, and I ask myself, what is she having a hard time with? It could be she's having a hard time accepting this limit. And that pivots how I respond. It's like, okay, yes, you're having a hard time with this limit. And we might go to a resource I've given you in other episodes, I love you, and the answer is no. And we're not questioning it, we're not like, how dare you? We're just able to accept, oh, she's having a hard time with this boundary. And that's a normal part of growth. If the child is ignoring you and going about their business, and I pivot to, what is she having a hard time with? My mindset might say, I think she's having a hard time feeling empowered. Like here I am. I just walked in the door. I can think of a family I've been working with recently. And dad often can end up walking in the door and immediately looking around, seeing the shoes on the floor, the backpack next to the hook, and the dishwasher not unloaded, and go right into, hey, you need to do this, you need to do this, you need to do this. And it's like, ugh, that hits like a pound of bricks. She's having a hard time with getting ordered around immediately without some connection. And she's having a hard time with maybe not feeling empowered, a clear boundary that when she does XYZ, then she gets ABC privileges. And with dad just coming in and and saying, I want this done, I want that done, and it's never been agreed in advance. There, she's having a hard time with that sense of not feeling much empowerment. Hmm. That puts us in a different frame of mind and approach in how we are going to speak to our child. If the child is flopping on the floor, we may say to ourselves, instead of, why are you doing that? Why are you being so difficult? If I pivot to what is she having a hard time with, my mind goes a little more towards she's having a hard time managing her emotions. And okay, outside of the moment, we have some work to do on making agreements in advance about what we're gonna do when you need space to scream, shout, or kick. And if you want to know more about that, you can dive into episode 37 where I talk about how to help kids calm down. Now, how did we get here? How did we end up in a place where your child is being defiant? I want to suggest it might be that your gentle approach has accidentally become permissive. When our kids are being really defiant and we are getting very frustrated often, I say to parents, friend, I say this to you lovingly, hear it with love and hear it with knowing that I really do care about attachment and compassion. If you keep getting to the end of your rope, you probably need a shorter rope. Now, I don't mean we want to be hurtful, harmful, or just, you know, authoritarian, but I mean if you are not more clear with what your plan is when your kids are not managing their emotions well, or when they're having a hard time with the boundary you've set, or when they are feeling disempowered, then you are going to go into your chaos brain, your frustration, overwhelm, and be at the end of your rope. It's not the kids' fault. It's because the gentle approach to parenting has maybe slipped into permissiveness, which is just all about talking about feelings and not having enough boundaries is gonna lead you feeling powerless and in a place where your rope is too long. And guess what? That gets you to the end of your rope more easily. Gets you to those 20-minute long debates where you are just totally flooded and overwhelmed. And by the end of it, you're both having a tantrum. So, friend, the simple script to improvement here when you want to respond to pushback in a more effective way is if you are having a hard time with defiance and pushback, the number one thing I ask you to shift is to move from a mindset of why are they doing this? Why are they being difficult, to what are they having a hard time with and what is our plan for responding? I know that may sound simple and challenging. So if you are not feeling equipped for that final answer, what can I do, even if I'm aware of what I think they're having a hard time with, that's where I come in, friend. Right now I have on sale my emotional resilience and getting calm cooperation toolkits. And the link for those are in the description of this episode. And also reach out for one-on-one support because that way we can dive in and really address your specific family, your unique strengths, and your unique challenges so that you can get into more calm, confidence as a parent, and more cooperation and joy with your family. And join me again next week as we're gonna dive into how to stop power struggles at mealtime so that you can enjoy your time with kids as young as two and up through 18. What to do when they're saying it's just fine or they don't want to talk, or they're trying to run away from the table and get into toys, we have answers for all of those in next week's episode. See you then.
SPEAKER_00:Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McClormick.
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