Sustainable Parenting | The kind and firm solution for resilient kids and dependable calm.

134. Positive Parenting Strategies From A Nine-Year-Old

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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"My mom's a parenting coach and yes, it's annoying."  Hear this, and more, in today's episode.

Today my special parenting expert guest is... my daughter, Eva! This is a chance for you to hear how we talk through challenges, problem-solve, and think about ways to manage tough situations. 

In this episode, we explore how kind and firm parenting works, from the perspective of a 9-year-old.  

Eva shares a child’s-eye view of what works, why “Annoying but effective” limits help, and how simple cues beat constant nagging.

• teaching through everyday observations without judgment
• revising consequences that don’t change behavior
• using charts as a neutral "third party bad guy."
• weekly screen-time tracking with visible limits
• chore clarity through shared calendars
• validating all feelings while limiting harmful actions
• reset choices: 1)silent hug or 2) space to calm down, so your child is able to calm down.
• disengaging from yelling while keeping connection open.

I hope you enjoy this very REAL life view at our family communication.

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SPEAKER_00:

Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.

SPEAKER_01:

Today I'm sharing a special guest with you, my own daughter, Eva. And she has gotten interested in this thing I'm doing of parent coaching, and we've been having some interesting conversations about parenting. And so I thought I'd let you take a listen. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally, feel sustainable. Welcome. Friend, if you'd like to leave a review to share how sustainable parenting has been impacting your life, I would be so grateful. It helps others to know what's possible in their families too. And you can do so easily by scrolling to the bottom of all episodes, clicking on that fifth star, and leaving a comment. Also be sure you subscribe to the podcast so that you regularly get the downloads each week and don't miss a single tool and strategy to be parenting with more kindness and firmness at the same time. So parenting finally feels sustainable. Just as a side note, I never think parenting needs to be like a secret to our kids. I think it's really fun to talk through with them why we're doing what we're doing, kind of in the like a zooming out lens outside of upset moments. I love to pause and look at behaviors we're seeing in public of other kids and ask my kids questions, sometimes as like general as looking over at a table at a restaurant and seeing all four family members on their phones and saying, like, guys, what do you notice about that? Because we're in the years where they don't have the temptation of being on their phone yet. And I want them to take a look at that and reflect. Also, there'll be times where we're watching a kid throw a tantrum and how the parent's handling it. And we're not trying to judge, but I love to have moments like that where after it's all happened, I can say to the kids, like, what did you notice about that? What do you think helped that moment go better that the parent did? And is there anything you saw that you think didn't help it go any better? Um, so I encourage you to consider after hearing this conversation today, whether you might want to have some conversations like this with your kids. And so without further ado, let's hear a perspective on parenting from a nine-year-old. First of all, I have a very special guest today, and I'm gonna let her introduce herself.

SPEAKER_00:

My name is Eva. Um, I'm her daughter. I'm nine, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So we were having a conversation about like parenting. Yeah. And you decided this year that it was kind of cool that your mom's a parenting coach or a professional counselor. Not cool. Cool is the wrong word.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I think it's the opposite.

SPEAKER_01:

You decided it was not cool.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I decided it was annoying. No, actually, I just I didn't decide anything to say.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe you just kind of think it's interesting. You're a little bit interested. Yeah, I'm interested in it. Okay, yeah, and you've kind of like been curious, and we then have started some conversations about what parenting really means, like what it means to have a certain approach.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. We have this thing in our family where if you have your light on, like when you go to school, one light is 50 cents. So if you had like, let's say, four lights on your room, that'd be two dollars.

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm. Left on because I got tired of nagging you and reminding you and saying the lights are on, the lights are on, turn your lights off, turn your lights off. And so one thought we came up with was let's just make a clear agreement in advance that we're going to like, I'm not gonna nag you. You're gonna be responsible. And if you aren't responsible, that's a part of your allowance. You're shaking your head.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't think it helped that much because I still leave my light on all the time. This is such a good point. I have just been thinking this thing. So then I'm just losing money and I can't can't make a change. Yeah, I'm trying.

SPEAKER_01:

This is a good example, so let's like talk this through because this is what family meetings can be about, right? Is like, how could we solve this better then? Because our current plan isn't changing your behavior, and it's not my goal just to keep taking money from you. My goal is to just not be upset about lights. So maybe we could try something else. Do you have a different idea?

SPEAKER_00:

Um could have some sort of like reminder on my door or in my room. Ooh.

SPEAKER_01:

Cause like you think you kind of go out fast and you you need like a little stop sign or uh what what kind of a sign would it be?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, like maybe like on the garage door, you could write light. Like a light.

SPEAKER_01:

You could do a light bulb picture and write the word light and like just a reminder before you walk out there.

SPEAKER_00:

But I feel like one reason I leave it on more and Caleb doesn't is because if he looks over at the stairs, he can look up. And if it's on, he knows. But if I looked right there, I couldn't know.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, here's another thing.

SPEAKER_00:

Then he can just sit there and look and say, no, it's not. But I go up there all the way upstairs, and then I look and it's off, and then I go downstairs and it takes like two minutes when I really have to go and I'm turning and I'm going late.

SPEAKER_01:

What I love here is you're like really trying to stand in the shoes of the moment and think through is this gonna work for me or not? Um, so that makes me wonder what if we put your sign of the light at the bottom of the stairs? So before you leave upstairs and you're just looking down, about to come down, it's like, oh that's right. I'm gonna turn my head, see if it's on, just take care of it right there. Yeah. Okay, I love this idea. Let's give it a try.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's see if that makes it feel better. And we don't want to have sticker charts, but we have all different like types of charts.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, types of characters.

SPEAKER_00:

Because like we have like the one that we have for TV.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like the TV one.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, we have this chart that's like we try to basically have about three hours of TV a week, a week that you get to choose when when you have it. And we've made some squares that represent 30 minutes, half odd hour, and you kind of check it off. We used to physically check it off. Now that you're nine and eleven, we're kind of mentally checking it.

SPEAKER_00:

And also we use what are those like thingies, folder, thingies, yeah, page protectors. Yeah, so that you're not, let's say, like it was a chart, you're not getting a new chart every week. You're using the same one and just erasing it every week.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, those that are seeing this on YouTube would be seeing a picture of it. And we'll also post it in Facebook and Instagram. So yeah, that's a great, that's a great use of chart. Where else do we use charts? Uh that help. You know what I call those, by the way, when I'm parent coaching? I call that a third party bad guy. I've never told you this secret name. Secret secrets are being revealed. Dun dun dun. Okay. Do you you have a guess of why I would call a chart like that a third party bad guy? It really just doesn't make sense. So I call it that because it's like I get tired of being the bad guy to say, like, you haven't, you've watched too much TV, you can't do another bit. So I like to have a third party. So it's not me telling you, it's a third thing that's able to be the bad guy. That's kind of I'll say, Eva, look at your chart. Do you have more time left? And then the chart's able to tell you, no, you do not. And I don't have to be the bad guy. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And that just be the second, not you're right.

SPEAKER_01:

Can we call the second parent bad guy? You could give it a different name. Anyhow. Um, so that's why I like to do that. But what's another chart we use as a quote third party bad guy? Um that tells you what needs to be done so I don't have to.

SPEAKER_00:

The morning calendar. Oh, yeah. We have Skylight. Skylight, yeah. And it's where you can like check stuff off. So then we have our morning chores on that.

SPEAKER_01:

And like, for instance, we used to argue over is it my turn to do the dishwasher or is it your turn? Yeah. It just made it like boom. We check it, we know who's turn to do it.

SPEAKER_00:

And we have Sunday chores, and we always fight over who does garbages. So then we also added that to the calendar.

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm. So that was just a clear taking turn. Uh-huh. Third party bad guy. Love it. Um, yay. Okay, so we talked a little bit about getting things done, like responsibilities and things that motivate that. How about emotions? What have you learned about emotions? Are they okay? Are they not okay? Do you just be as mad as you want to yell as much as you want? What's okay? How do we manage them? Is it supposed to just make them go away fast, or it's okay if they take a while? Like, what have you learned about your emotions?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. Like, emotions are okay, like hitting's not okay. Anything like damaging things.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you want me to give you my secret of also how I explain that to parents?

SPEAKER_00:

What?

SPEAKER_01:

I usually say I think that all feelings are okay. Certain actions must be limited.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01:

How does that make sense to you?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, just because seriously, all feelings are okay, and the actions have to be eliminated. I don't know, it's pretty self-explanatory. Yeah. So you're like allowed to be mad, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to do whatever you want to do. So you're not allowed to like hit things.

SPEAKER_01:

So if those things are not allowed, what can you do when you're mad?

SPEAKER_00:

You could go in a small, big area. Smaller, big area. And I don't know, like just like have alone time or ask if you could like talk to your mom, have a hug, stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that reminds me. You you were using for a while like texting me on your watch, like, can we talk?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, the only reason I texted you on my watch is because I didn't want to go downstairs crying while we guessed over.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, okay. So sometimes you would do that. Other times we used to use like a little notebook that you would write something in.

SPEAKER_00:

But that was only if I didn't get to talk to you. Like if you didn't answer on my watch, let's say, then I could write something in there. Yep.

SPEAKER_01:

And I liked that a lot because there were times where I would try to talk to you and you would be like, Don't ask me now, it's just making it worse. And then I'd be like, I don't know what to do because I want to talk about it, but it seems like when I try to talk about it, it makes you more upset. So remember when we tried that, where you I would just write down like how how are you doing, or you would write down when you were mad and I could write back. That worked a little better. Yeah. How about ignoring?

SPEAKER_00:

So if kids get really mad about something, I would say most likely don't ignore like just because ignoring's basically like just like letting them scream at you, and you just have to ignore it. So just walk away instead of just letting them scream at you. Disengage. Yeah, disengage instead of ignoring.

SPEAKER_01:

And I I thought it was pretty funny that you said the other day. It's like super annoying, but it works. Is that right? Yeah. Say more about that.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, because most things that are annoying and like if something's annoying, you're not gonna do it again, so they're more annoying. Most likely if it's annoying, it works.

SPEAKER_01:

Like it's it's a little bit frustrating to you, but it's teaching you that like that isn't gonna work with mom.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So if it was something like I'm gonna have you go to your room, but yet they didn't have anything else to do, then they wouldn't care because they just get to go to their room and sit and do what they would do.

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00:

So then they don't mind. Has to be something that they at least are frustrated a little about.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So it's important somehow that you kind of if you're screaming at someone or whatever, then the walking away is a little annoying to you because it's like, uh, I wanted her to just stay and be yelled at.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But you also know it works because it stops you from yelling. Am I getting that right?

SPEAKER_00:

And also don't just walk away, like give them some sort of chance because if they're like trying to talk to you and you just start walking away, it's not gonna help. They're frustrated. Like if they're frustrated, it's not gonna help. Just gonna make it worse. So, like, say I can I'll give you the choice of a hug, or I'll give you the choice to talk, but if you're getting, I'll give you a hug or talk, but if you're gonna be yelling at me, then I'm gonna walk away. So, like, give them the choice of some way to calm down and don't just walk away and be like, you have to be happy now or I'm leaving. Be more like, uh, I'll give you a hug. Yeah, talk about it. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

This sounds like you are naming exactly what I teach parents, which is the two options for how I say we reset. Reset is either silent hug or space to calm down. And I'm glad that we've done that so clearly that you can name it. You know those are the two options when you're needing to yell. Like, I'm happy to hug you and then talk it through if we're calm again. But if we're not able to be calm yet, I'll just give you space to calm down. And if you want more on that specific idea, I encourage you to check out episode 37, How to Help Kids Calm Down Without Timeout. That's where we break down this thought process around a silent hug or space to calm down that Eva's talking about here. There's a friend looking through the window now. Come play with Eva so I know where she wants to go. All right. In closing, I really love having you as a daughter, and I appreciate you sharing your advice for parents today.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.

SPEAKER_01:

Thanks so much, Judy.

SPEAKER_00:

Bye. Bye. Bye.