Sustainable Parenting | Raising Confident Kids with Positive Parenting Strategies

123. Why Apologies are worthless: Teaching Kids How to Really Take Responsibility for Their Actions

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Tired of forcing your kids to say “I’m sorry,” only to have the apology come out flat, fake, or sarcastic? 

Do you find yourself insisting on the “right tone” until you are blue in the face, or even yelling at your child - and all the while the kid doesn't really seem to care?

Here's the deal, friend.  Most of the time, I've found apologizing doesn’t actually teach kids responsibility. It just teaches them how to act like they feel bad.  

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, we’ll dive into why traditional apologies are often worthless—and what to do instead. 

You’ll discover two powerful steps that actually help kids take ownership of their actions: making it right (repairing the harm in a meaningful way) and making a plan (practicing what to do differently next time).

From checking in with a sibling they’ve hurt, to helping rebuild a crashed tower, to practicing a respectful “do over” when grabbing a toy—these simple strategies build empathy, accountability, and real-life problem-solving skills.

If you’re ready to stop nagging, yelling or repeating your lectures about being more nice - today is the day to end empty apologies and begin using tools that raise confident and kind kids who truly know how to take responsibility for their actions and even mistakes.  

This episode is here to give you the simplified and sustainable parenting tools to unlock true maturity and growth in your child, while being the calm confident parent you've always wanted to be. 🫶🏼

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Speaker 1:

How many times have you found yourself standing over your child insisting hey, you need to say you're sorry, say it nicely. No, don't say it like that, say it like you mean it. And all inside you're thinking this is completely pointless, because you know deep down that your kid doesn't really mean it, and yet you're not sure what else to do. Friend, today I want to talk to you about why I think that apologies, honestly, are worthless. Forcing a child to apologize with the right tone is not teaching them responsibility. It's just, really frankly, teaching them good acting skills. They learn how to perform remorse instead of actually feeling it. So today I want to give you two steps that I was just talking with a client about this week and I realized I want to share this with my audience. And these steps truly help kids take ownership of their actions and repair trust in relationships and learn how to handle things differently in the future. So they are not doing the things they've had to apologize for. And these even work for the most strong-willed, stubborn kid that you have found. This is really extra challenging with. Let's get started. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing. To parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Speaker 1:

First of all, before we dive in, I want to honor and highlight a therapist in my community who recently took the time to leave a review, and I was so grateful for her words. She said, as both a therapist and a mom, I deeply appreciate Flora's practical and grounded approach to parenting. She said as both a therapist and a mom, I deeply appreciate Flora's practical and grounded approach to parenting. She offers strategies that are realistic, compassionate and truly sustainable for families. I've seen firsthand how much her work helps. Several of my clients have gained valuable tools and insights from her podcast and coaching program. Flora has a gift for blending warmth, clarity and guidance, making her a trusted voice for parents navigating real life challenges. Thanks so much, rachel. And if you want to learn more about Rachel's impactful work with couples, you can check out episode 121, where she unpacked attachment challenges that come up in our marriage related to parenting.

Speaker 1:

All right, let's dive in for today on apologies and make sure you listen all the way through this episode, because I'm going to share with you the two main things that a lot of people get wrong about apology moments. Two things that they're doing that do not teach and are just causing you to be more frustrated and annoyed and maybe even lead to yelling at your child. Instead, I want to give you the solution, which has two parts make it right and make a plan, and if you want to know the details of how we do that, simply, strategically and effectively, stay all the way to the end, all right. First of all, what do we get wrong? A lot with apologies. It's so easy to get here, but we first of all usually focus on words, the child's words or our words. The two main things we're doing wrong is focusing on words. If we're focusing on the child's words, that's typically like you've got to say it, like you mean it. Come on, you took that away. You need to really, you know, feel bad about doing that. That's not okay. We might even say to them you know, use the different tone. I can tell you don't mean it, but, friend, isn't that just teaching them acting skills? Isn't that just emphasizing how to pretend like you feel bad or like you're remorseful. So also, we can end up falling in the camp of focusing on our own words, thinking it's our job to to explain very philosophically why the thing was not okay. Like, let's stand in that child's shoes. How would you feel if you had that taken away from you? Now, sometimes that does work. I'm not saying there's not a place for that, but some of you listening right now I know, have that more strong willed kid that is going to just snap back. I wouldn't care. And then you feel stuck. You're like, okay, what do I say? Now? I thought that would lead to him feeling bad. So I want to give you an answer for those particular moments. If the other reasoning works, awesome. But I know that there are listeners hearing this right now who are like, yeah, my kid, just like always has some smart aleck remark that he just snaps back and he just doesn't care. I don't know how to get him to care, and no amount of me explaining why that typically isn't a nice thing to do or that's rude or disrespectful or hurtful, like it never gets through to them. I'm talking to you today, friend. Okay, so what can you do instead of just insisting on good acting or continuing to over explain till you're basically banging your head in the wall and getting so frustrated that you're yelling at your kid like why don't you care? Here's what you can do. Instead, I want you to focus on asking your child to make it right and make a plan. Make it right, first of all, is about, instead of just saying words of I'm sorry, using actions to show that you are sorry for what happened, something that repairs the harm. For example, if they knocked over a sibling on accident as they were running by, or even on purpose, help them check in to see if the kid's okay. Hey, let's come back. Let's ask sister, are you okay? Do you need a hug? Do you need help? Standing up, prompt the child and direct them in how to do it.

Speaker 1:

Note story here I'll never forget one time, when my son was about six and his younger sibling was four my daughter. He stepped on her toe and she started screaming and I kind of you know correctively was like did you do that on purpose? You need to say sorry, you need to fix this. And he was like no. And I was like okay, well, I know accidents happen, but you know, let's make it right, we use the strategy I'm talking about here. But then it was so funny. He went upstairs and I was cleaning the house and so happened to like kind of walk halfway up the stairs and overheard him say to his sister Eva, can I tell you a secret? I don't know what on purpose means, I just know if you do it you're in trouble. And isn't that so funny. It's like it just was a funny moment of realizing that sometimes in these conversations we're using words they don't even fully understand.

Speaker 1:

So let's not get overly philosophical and overly logical and in words they don't get. Let's keep it simple, keep it age appropriate. So you say to the child let's check on sister, let's ask what sister needs to feel better. Help her up, give her a hug. Or if they crash a magnet tile down, invite them to say you know, can I help you rebuild it? Prompt the child. We need to help rebuild it. Let's do the work to put it back together, because you knocked it down, whether it was on purpose or an accident. Again, that funny thing of on purpose, whether you meant to, or you did it because you wanted to, or it was an accident. Either way, let's make it right If they grabbed a toy because they wanted it. Let's make it right. Let's hand that toy back and let's try this again. First step, make it right. Let's try this again. First step, make it right. And sometimes that might be even paying back energy to the adult. So if they are not saying sorry for how they yelled at you or called you a name or something, you can say you know that really took a lot of my energy and to make it right we're going to have a 10 minute earlier bedtime tonight because I need some extra time to kind of recharge, because that was really hard today to be called names. That's another way you can have the child make it right.

Speaker 1:

Part two make a plan. Ask the child to not just go over and say sorry, but go to the other person they've hurt and say what their plan is of how they'll do it differently next time. And, even better, talk, walk through physically that do-over in the moment. So you say to the child hey, whoa, let's try that again. You ran past brother and knocked him over. Let's try that again. Come back over here. You want to get over there? Let's walk calmly. Great, and let's have that be our plan for the future. You will walk more carefully. Please tell brother I'm going to walk more slowly by you next time. Or knock the magnet tile down. You know, next time I'm angry I'm going to walk away or grunt and stomp my feet and then right there be like I see that you're mad at brother. Let's practice, let's ah and stomp our feet instead of pushing his item over. And some of this ties in what I call the two roads helping the kid connect. You know, when you're mad and you grunt and stomp, hey, you get to move on and keep playing.

Speaker 1:

When you choose to knock someone's thing over, it takes time to fix it, and so let's make the plan of what you can do differently next time so you don't end up using your time having to clean up. And if you want more ideas about what replacement plans that your child can be using when they're frustrated or angry, please check out episode 119, where we talked about what most parents get wrong about rude and angry behavior, and there's a great tool in there. I call Bugs and Wishes. That is a key one I'm using a lot with kids and coaching parents in when their kids are needing to make a better plan for next time. So, friend, here's the big shift.

Speaker 1:

Stop stressing about whether your child says I'm sorry in the right tone that's surface level and instead remind yourself that your plan in those moments is to help the child make it right, repairing the harm in a concrete, physical way, and make a plan Plan for what they can do differently next time and practicing it right there in the moment, if possible.

Speaker 1:

When we do this, you're not just teaching manners, you're teaching empathy, responsibility and problem-solving, real-life, positive parenting tools to lead to that effective, kind, generous, problem-solving child that you want to see in the future, and those are skills that will last a whole lot longer than a forced apology ever could.

Speaker 1:

If this episode was helpful, friend, I'd love for you to share it with a friend who's stuck in the say sorry cycle. Easily forward this by going to the description and seeing the share button, and if you haven't yet left a review on how this podcast has impacted you and your family, I'd so appreciate that as well. You can go to the bottom of all episodes, click the fifth star and then leave a comment, and that helps other parents to know what's possible and how they can simply be parenting with more calmness and balance, with kindness and firmness at the same time, so their parenting finally feels sustainable. And please join me next week, as my special guest will be. As my special guest, michael Pereira, will be speaking with us about autism spectrum disorder and what truly changed his life and his son's diagnosis, and how he left his corporate career to focus on empowering families like his own, wanting to raise awareness and providing practical strategies helping those in the autism spectrum to be able to thrive. See you then.