122. Raising Responsible & Independent Kids: 5 School-Year Habits That Actually Stick

Tired of having to nag and tell your kids everything they need to do (and sometimes yelling at your kids in the process)?

Ready to set some new habits of responsibility this school year, and see your kids really step up to the plate?

This week, I’m sharing five simple habits from Raising Mentally Strong Kids that help children take ownership—while you stay calm. 

You’ll learn:

• The 1 Page Miracle,

• A 4-step process for building responsibility, 

• Tools to shift from “drill sergeant” to trusted positive parent guide, 

• A structure to create clear agreements that end daily battles. 

Get ready to raise confident, capable kids—without losing your sanity.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Setting the Stage for Change
• 1:40 The One-Page Miracle Approach
• 5:08 Building Responsibility Step by Step
• 6:40 Be a Consultant, Not Controller
• 9:09 Making Agreements and Workshop Preview

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hey friend, if you're anything like me, you want your kids to be responsible, independent and confident kids. But sometimes it feels like the moment you give them a task, you end up doing half of it yourself or repeat yourself 14 times, nagging them until you explode or yell at them. The start of the school year is such a fresh opportunity to set up some new rhythms that really work. But here's the good news you don't have to overhaul your entire family. Small, consistent habits can make a huge difference. Today I want to share five powerful yet gentle habits inspired by the book Raising Mentally Strong Kids. And these tips will help your kids to step up in a way that will really stick and takes you out of the role of being drill sergeant or helicopter hovering mom. And today I'm going to share with you the one page miracle four steps to building responsibility and a way that habit can also grow your connection with your child. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. As a side note, if today's episode brings you value, please share it with us by going to the bottom of all episodes that are listed and clicking on the fifth star and leaving a short comment. It enables you to be our listener of the week and it also lets others know what is possible for them in this podcast, as it's my goal to reach at least 500 families a year to equip and empower them to be the calm, confident parents they've always wanted to be.

Speaker 1: 2:20

All right, the first step to a better school year is to set some clear goals with your kids. This is where the one-page miracle comes in. This comes from the book of how to Raise Mentally Strong Kids, which was a real eye-opener for me and my husband as we were reading through. This book is just a reminder that our kids now at 9 and 11, are at a stage where some of the initial stuff of parenting has settled out. We work through tantrums, what to do when they're not getting along with each other, but it's been a long time since we sat down and asked ourselves what are our goals for our kids, and so it was really fun to be prompted by this book to sit and make a list of what really matters to us, and one way I recommend doing this that is also the wording used by positive discipline is to think about what are the qualities or character traits you want in your child when they're 25. Are the qualities or character traits you want in your child when they're 25? And then that really sets your goals. We're wanting them to be respectful, responsible, creative, good problem solvers. And then how does that big, big, long-term goal inform what our goals want to be for this year and then bring to your child those ideas and values and then say what are some things we want to set as some goals for this next year to be working towards these traits? Do we want to make sure you're more responsible for your homework and we're not going to be asking you every day whether you did it or you didn't, or you have your assignments done. We're just going to, you know, make a plan each Sunday to talk about what is ahead, or maybe check in on Friday that you did the things that were needed that week. What do we want that goal to be? Or do we want to build independence and you being able to make your own lunches or dinner, depending on what age the child is. Okay, let's, that's a piece of us wanting you to contribute to the family, and this year this is what that step looks like. So two parts to this. Set goals long term for your, for between you and your partner, around what you want to see in your child when they're 25. And then bring those goals to your child and say what are some things we want to set together as goals for the school year ahead, pieces that can be working towards those greater values.

Speaker 1: 4:55

Step two is make a plan of how you're going to build your child's sense of responsibility, their ownership for the things that they're responsible for. And here's the parts of that. Choose something that you want your child to handle on their own. Let's say it's packing up what they need for their dance class or soccer practice. Let them try resist the urge to hover or jump in or micromanage and say this is what I'm expecting of you. Let's let you do it. You're going to be in charge of getting your own stuff together today and then, if there are some things that get forgotten or they're having a hard time with a piece of it, you can offer to support without fixing or rescuing. Like gosh, I see that you're having a little bit of a hard time. What do you think you want to do to make that better? Do you want to give it another go? What do you think you might want to do differently next time if you experience, this time, the frustration of forgetting your water bottle? So choose tasks they can handle. Let them try, be supportive when it's bumpy and invite a retry. This little cycle task empathy. Retry builds confidence and teaches that it's okay to stumble and try again. And it builds their confidence when they see that you're not fixing it, you're not rescuing them, you're having faith in them to figure it out.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Step three for an effective school year is be the consultant, not the controller. Think of yourself as a coach. We don't want to be the helicopter. We don't want to be the bulldozer. We don't want to be the micromanager. We don't want to be the drill sergeant. Right, if we're the drill sergeant, we're like do this, do this, do this, why haven't you done this yet? If we're the micromanager, we're like, nitpicking every little thing that they could have done differently. Oh, don't put the the, put the apple over there or the banana right there. Like you know, that's micromanaging. Also, we could be helicopter-y and just hovering over them as they are trying to build independence, of making friends or trying something new, or we can end up being the bulldozer that's just trying to remove every possible obstacle. Let's not be any of those and instead let's be the consultant.

Speaker 1: 7:30

What does that look like? That means being the coach who offers guidance, asking thoughtful questions and providing suggestions, but always keeping it in the hands of the child to solve their own problems, letting them be the one that actually takes the shot and gets to own the success or the challenge. When kids feel trusted to make choices, they start taking that ownership, and when they have the ownership, it builds their confidence. So the next time you're looking to have your child do something more whatever those tasks are that you've decided in step one if it's that they're going to be more independent on making dinner or making their lunches, don't overly hover, don't overly control. Look for ways to be a consultant, but allow them to figure it out. Which might be messy, which might mean the meal doesn't taste just right, and that's the hardest part for me. To be honest, I would rather have it done just right or a certain way that I think is more efficient, and sometimes it's hard to just back off and say if they're struggling through, they can still figure it out.

Speaker 1: 8:50

Step four is to know that these steps of independence actually build a lot of connection and that when we step back, it doesn't mean we're detaching relationally. It just means that we are letting them grow a little bit more of their own wings and they feel the air of our support as we step back. A key way that you can still show support while stepping back is to notice Use the keywords, as your kids are more respectful and independent. Gosh, I noticed today you handled that so well. I noticed that I haven't had to mention once your assignments this week and you're getting them all done. I noticed that I didn't have to tell you again to turn off your light. You've just been taking care of it.

Speaker 1: 9:43

And habit number five is I want to suggest that you make some agreements in advance about this school year and partner with your child about what the agreed gains or consequences will be around those agreements. So, instead of just holding it all in your own head, I wish they were remembering everything that needs to go in their backpack. I wish that they would get to school on time, have a discussion ahead of time that sounds something like hey, let's make a plan together, let's make a deal. Just so you know any day that you are ready by 7.50, I am happy to give you a ride to school, and after 7.50, you are welcome to either choose to walk or ride your bike, but I will not be available because that's too close for me to get to my work on time. So that explains to them in advance what the agreed benefit is of them hitting that mark of responsibility and what the agreed consequence is going to be if they don't hit it. And from these five areas, setting goals together, having those four steps of responsibility, being a consultant, looking for ways to notice how they're doing well and having agreements in advance are five key ways I hope can really benefit you and get you off to a better school year. Remember, you don't have to start all five at once, but I recommend picking at least one that feels aligned for you so you can go into this next school year with intention and purpose and, from that place, have a lot more success.

Speaker 1: 11:25

And friend, if you'd like to dive into this more and be able to ask me questions live. Check out my upcoming workshop that will be on this topic next Wednesday, august 20th, and you can find that information at sustainableparentingcom slash workshop. If you hear this after August 20th, you should be able to purchase the replay there as well. All right, friend, I can't wait to see you next week, as we're going to dive into the two main things to ask your child to do, instead of saying I'm sorry, let's ditch the battles over. You didn't say it nice enough. No, I don't think you really meant it and let's get into the two other things that are so much more effective to ask your child to do, instead of insisting that they say sorry. See you then.