118. The Truth About "Failing" as a Mom

Do you ever lie awake at night feeling like you're failing your children?

You’re not alone. Many parents—especially those practicing Gentle Parenting or raising a neurodivergent child—carry the weight of perfectionism and self-doubt. In fact, research shows a staggering 78% of mothers believe they aren’t doing enough for their kids.

But what if the idea of perfect parenting is actually getting in the way of connection?

This episode of the Weekly Podcast brings a truth that might just set you free: According to Circle of Security research, you only need to “get it right” about 30% of the time for your child to develop secure attachment.

That’s right—30% is an A+ in the world of Positive Parenting and Calm & Peaceful Parenting.

When I first discovered this as a mom myself, I wept with relief. After years of chasing parenting tips & tools, reading books, and trying to end the yelling, this one truth released so much pressure. Suddenly, I could lean into simple parenting strategies that actually created more joy in our family time—even during tantrums or power struggles with my toddler.

Even more powerful? Research by Donald Winnicott on the “good enough mother” shows our imperfections benefit our kids. Just like trees need wind to grow strong roots, our children need manageable challenges to develop what I call their “struggle muscles.” These tough moments—whether it’s a meltdown, resistance, or a burst of anxiety & emotions—are part of how they grow resilience.

That’s why gentle discipline isn’t about being perfect—it’s about staying connected through imperfection. As Dr. Jane Nelsen once told me: “The one thing parents need to do differently is stop trying to be perfect.”

If you’ve been craving real talk, science-backed insight, and encouragement in a short episode format, this one’s for you. Subscribe to the Weekly Podcast for more gentle parenting ideas, and join us next week as we unpack what many parents misunderstand about their child’s anger and rudeness.

Ready to take the next step toward parent-child connection and more peace in your home? Check the episode notes to schedule a one-on-one session with me or one of my trained parenting coaches.

You are already doing more than enough. Let's make parenting feel lighter—together.

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Chapters

• 0:01 The Failure Feeling Most Parents Share
• 1:03 The 30% Attachment Rule
• 6:05 Benefits of Being "Good Enough"
• 8:43 The Wind and Trees Analogy
• 10:54 Key Takeaways and Next Episode

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Friend, did you know? A 2018 survey in Today Parents found that 78% of moms feel like they're failing because they think they're not doing enough for their kids. If you have struggled with those feelings, you are certainly not alone. And, friend, I have really good news for you throughout this episode, because we're not only going to unpack what that failure is about and how we can change it inside ourselves, but powerful research that talks about the benefits of us failing our children. So stay tuned.

Speaker 1: 0:37

Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. So why do we all feel like we're failing? Why do we feel like we need to be doing so much more? I mean not only the study that I said in the intro about 78% of moms saying that they feel like they are not doing enough for their kids, but in 2020, a Pew Research study also found that about 60% of parents worry they aren't spending enough time with their kids, and this worry is a major factor in feeling like they're falling short. And you know what I think the root of that is. I mean, I really I know I'm generally recording this for everyone, but I picture you sitting there. I picture the moms and dads that I see in my parent coaching sessions and I picture their faces as I'm speaking to you right now. I know what's true about you is that you care deeply about parenting. Well, you wouldn't be listening to a parenting podcast if that wasn't something that you really highly valued. And also, I think there are two things that you're getting wrong that are making you feel like you're failing when you're not.

Speaker 1: 2:16

So the first main reason that many parents feel like they're failing is exactly what's listed from these studies. They feel like they aren't doing enough or spending enough time with their kids, and what I hear as I talk to parents regularly in my parent coaching work is that that often is about thinking I want healthy attachment for my child. I want them to feel like we have a close relationship and I want them to have a healthy attachment to me as their attachment figure, because I know how important that is to the other relationships they're going to have in their life. Friend, here is the amazing news. Circle of Security has been a model of intervention for parents and helping them since the late 1990s. And you know what they have found? After working with thousands of cohorts of parents and doing some really great follow-up research about the results, friend, they have found that 30% is all you need. It turns out you only need to get it right about 30% of the time for your child to develop secure attachment. If we are striving for the best and getting it right about 30% of the time, that's an A plus.

Speaker 1: 3:35

And when I learned this statistic when I was a mother about, I want to say, seven or eight years ago I went through a circle of security training myself as a mom. I was an attendee, not the teacher, and I cried during that experience and one of those big reasons was this realization Are you kidding me? I remember thinking to myself sitting in that little room. We were in a pretty tight room, about six of us moms, along with the facilitator, looking at videos on her laptop that was just set on top of a coffee table, while we each sat on pillow cushions on the floor, and I remember hearing the statistic just melts me. I mean, in my counseling education, my master's with a specialty in working with kids and families, I had never heard this before. All I had heard was all the things you're supposed to do right, all the ways you're supposed to attend to your children and validate your children and support your children and listen to them. And, you know, hold clear boundaries, what to do, do, do, do, do.

Speaker 1: 4:43

It wasn't until just a few years ago I learned the beautiful truth that you only have to get all of that right about 30% of the time to develop secure attachment. And boy did that truth unlock so much. For me, it's like when those floodgates of high expectation and perfectionism were let go. Then it's like a dam being broken where the whole level of the water comes down. It was like my tension, my stress, which often came out yelling at my kid or snapping, and of course we talk about that a lot in the last two episodes right before this one. Be sure to check those out. But it's like a lot of that got brought down when I realized, oh, I don't have to do this perfectly. Oh my gosh, it felt so good and I want to remind you of that today If you've been feeling like a failure.

Speaker 1: 5:49

First myth you may be believing is that you have to get it right all the time and you don't. 30% is all we need in order to establish healthy attachment. And also, that reminds me, one of my favorite podcast interviews I got to do was with Dr Jane Nelson, the co-founder of Positive Discipline, with Lynn Lott, and she and I talked on episodes 57 through 59. And one of my favorite things she ended the whole interview with was but you know what, flora? The one thing that I think more parents need to do differently is stop trying to be perfect. I loved that she ended the interview with me in that way of saying you don't have to be perfect. Her words even were I never, was. I never figured it out and I was like, oh gosh, I love hearing you say that Someone who sold millions of books worldwide can come to this place in an interview and say but it's not about perfection. Nobody's perfect. I was never perfect. I just loved that so much. So, friend, first myth to dispel today is you don't have to be perfect.

Speaker 1: 7:04

The second key thing is that there's actually a lot of research about how it benefits your child for you to not be perfect. Do you know, in the 1950s there was some research done by Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst. He coined the term the good enough mother and he observed that mothers naturally, like quote, fail their child in small ways. Like you know, their child's asking for their attention and they say I can't give it to you right now. Or they, you know, may say something in not quite the perfect way and guess what? It actually builds resilience and helps children tolerate frustration. The good enough mother disillusions her child in manageable doses and that's actually okay. It's okay to have moments where you don't say things right and you come back and you apologize. It's okay to have moments where your kid really wanted something and you weren't able to do it. It's okay, going back to the beginning, for your child to maybe desire more time with you and you, not to be able to always do everything they'd like you to do. The good enough parent is the one who's not harmful, who's not hurtful, but also doesn't have to be perfect. That can disappoint their kids in various ways and have that be those manageable doses that actually benefit the child in building their character.

Speaker 1: 8:43

It reminds me also of an image about trees that you know they were doing an experiment to try to find out, like if our atmosphere became unlivable and we had to live in sort of a vacuum, could we create everything we need inside that protected space to thrive? And so it was like this domed bubble that had trees planted and crops planted, of course, had oxygen pumped in. And one of the things they found very interesting was they planted trees, they grew, they were thriving, they were doing well, but after a while of growth they fell over. Even though they were getting larger and had soil and light and oxygen, they were missing something important. They found that wind is really important to a tree, producing its best network of roots, that every time the tree experiences some wind, some push, pull, the roots are like oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. We got to grow out a little wider, we got to get a little stronger to be able to hold up this tree that's growing. And the roots only knew to do that growth when they were responding to the turmoil of the wind happening to the trunk and branches.

Speaker 1: 10:06

Friend, that's the same with our kids. If we protected them from any sort of bumps in the road, they don't get that frustration, tolerance built up. They don't build what I like to call their struggle muscles. So, friend, two key things I want you to know today if you've been beating yourself up, feeling like a failure number one you do not have to be perfect. 30% of the time is the actual, true measure of what can lead us to healthy attachment. And, second of all, that it's okay for us to not be perfect, because that actually can help our child build their struggle muscles and build their own character of frustration tolerance.

Speaker 1: 10:54

Friend, I hope this serves you well in your sense of how to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. So parenting finally feels sustainable, that you're able to be that calm, confident parent you always wanted to be. And if you're looking for more resources to get there, remember that's the work I love to do one-on-one with my clients and now have associates working with me to do the same. You can schedule a time to learn more in the comments or notes section of this episode. And if you'd like more of these strategies to help you along your road, remember to subscribe. And if this has meant something to you, please leave a comment by scrolling all the way down to the bottom of episodes, clicking that fifth star and sharing why you value being in this space with us For next week. We're going to get into what most people get wrong about their child's angry or rude behavior, so be sure to join us again.