Sustainable Parenting

115. Why Yelling Works. And what to do Instead

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Today we are unlocking why yelling seems to work with our kids and how to find the balance between kindness and firmness that creates sustainable, effective parenting. 

Some key aspects we will cover today include:

  • When children push boundaries, they're actually seeking clarity and predictability, not testing our patience.
  • Children are wired to test boundaries to see what happens when they do.
  • Yelling "works" only because kids finally know you mean it, not because of the volume.
  • When we're overly gentle without clearly set boundaries, we set ourselves up to yell.  Why? Well, it's kinda like the universe maintains a balance between kindness and firmness—falling too far into permissiveness leads to explosive firmness.
  • Today I'll teach you the CEO approach to replace yelling at your kids, with a new way to be kind and firm at the SAME time. 
  • Replacing yelling requires learning how to mean what you say and say what you mean

    If you want to understand the CEO approach and get beginning tools for better communication, check out Episode 71: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/71-3-steps-that-get-kids-to-listen/id1682538739?i=1000665256022. 

Join me next week where we'll be talking about how to control your anger as a parent without yelling.


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Speaker 1:

Thank you. Test test testing. Test test testing, test test testing. All right, let's get this all where we need it, all right.

Speaker 1:

Do you ever find yourself thinking I have you found yourself in a difficult rock, in a hard place kind of conundrum, where you don't want to yell at your kids and yet you feel like they only listen if you yell? Or maybe your partner has said that too, as you've invited them to have more gentle parenting, they're like but they don't listen unless I'm yelling Friend. Today's episode is for you. I'm Flora McCormick, licensed clinical professional counselor and parenting coach, as well as early childhood mental health consultant, here to help you unlock why yelling works until it doesn't. Okay, so let's talk about yelling, why it works until it doesn't and, friend, by the time you finish this episode, you are going to understand how you've easily been duped into thinking this is one of your only options or your partner has been duped into that and why it works until it doesn't, and what you can do instead that will consistently be more effective, in a way that's kind and firm at the same time. So I think of a story, of one of the one of the main reasons that yelling works until it doesn't is a simple fact that many parents are missing, and I'm going to get into that in just a moment.

Speaker 1:

First, I want to ask if you've gotten in this habit over time. Is it because you have tried many strategies and somehow it seems like when you try all the things quote unquote and it doesn't work, you end up resorting to yelling? This is what I hear from many of the clients that work out. This is what I hear from many of the parents who reach out to me for parent coaching, knowing there must be something they're missing. Like they often say, I've tried everything and then, when nothing works, I end up yelling. And to me that is a total, clear sign that the things you're trying are not balanced with kindness and firmness at the same time. Because there's this equilibrium in the world that if you find yourself falling into extreme firmness of yelling, that means you have been over on the side of extreme kindness, perhaps overly gentle or what can look like permissive parenting, gentle parenting in a way that is attachment focused and loving. We want to have attachment focus and loving parenting Absolutely, but we don't want to fall too far into overly gentle parenting or this equilibrium between kind and firm will sort itself out by us exploding, because when we don't have firmness, things don't work, our kids don't respect us, and when they don't respect us, we get frustrated and we explode. So, friend, the single thing that many parents are missing here is that yelling works because our kids like boundaries. Our kids actually enjoy feeling this boundary edge that says, oh, that's the edge to which I can go to. In fact, it's their job to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do. I saw that on a hospital website once and was like oh, that is so true. And as it's their job to push boundaries to see what happens when they do, it's our job to hold those boundaries. Clearly Now, for many of us, if we did not experience how kind and firm boundaries can be held, we are striving to do parenting well, but missing the mark.

Speaker 1:

And when you miss the mark, that often looks like just validating feelings, talking for 30 minutes to an hour when they're emotional or melting down. We're overly making sure that we're not upsetting them and we might be on eggshells throughout the day hoping we're not going to push that button and then, friend, when it does explode, we're gonna end up going okay, now I have to hold a boundary Like that's it, you're losing this and that and I cannot help you with one more thing. I'm over it. They want to know where that edge is and they want us to provide it in a kind and firm way. So, friend, the moral of the story is that the main reason parents often are missing the mark is that they are forgetting it's their job to hold kind and firm boundaries. They're thinking it's my job to just explain things and talk them through feelings and try to just name it and explain what's going to solve the problem. But then, when the person's still pushing, pushing, pushing, I don't want to have to hold that boundary and so I'm exploding.

Speaker 1:

Kids need boundaries. They want boundaries. They feel safe with boundaries. In fact, predictability is one of the most underrated aspects of healthy attachment Predictability that you are not going to bounce between overly gentle and overly firm with this like permissive and then exploding and yelling. They need from you consistency, that they see you kind and firm at the same time. When we're in that middle place, we don't have to bounce back and forth. It's the steady middle balance place we can keep moving forward steadily on.

Speaker 1:

So why does yelling work? Until it doesn't? It's because the child is striving to get you to be firm. It's the child's way of asking you would you please be more clear about where your boundary is? And they push and push until oh, that's where it clearly is. So it's not that they're responding because you're yelling, it's actually just that they're responding because they know you finally mean it. You mean what you're saying and, friend, here's the beauty. The replacement is we can teach you how to mean it, how to be seen as an authority, not authoritarian, which is that top down, you'll do it because I said so but an authority, which is someone that I do respect and I know that they are my leader in terms of teaching me and guiding me in life, while also bringing out the most in me as an individual. That's what a real authority leader is doing, and our kids are able to see that in us if we are parenting with kindness and firmness. At the same time, we can learn the right tools and phrases and moments where we utilize consequences or conversations. We figure out the difference so that we can be parenting in a way that is sustainable, so that we can be parenting in a way that is sustainable. So, friend, yelling works because they know you finally mean it, and if you are just hungry, for how else your kids can know you mean it in a way that's not mean? Let's talk.

Speaker 1:

I used to really want to write a book. If I ever do write a book, the title I was always been on my mind is to say taking the mean out of saying what we mean. I would love this. One of the biggest things that I love to help parents with is learning the language of how we can take the mean out of friend.

Speaker 1:

If you found yourself in a difficult conundrum where you don't want to yell at your children and yet it feels like once you finally have exhausted every other parenting tool and end up yelling, it's the only moment they finally listen. Or maybe your partner has said that to you. I'm trying all these gentle parenting things, but then they just don't listen, so I have to yell. Friend, if that is you, this episode for you. Friend, if that is you, this is the episode. Friend, if you can relate, then this is the episode for you where we're going to unlock the major reason that kids respond to yelling and why it works until it doesn't. Today we're going to give. Today we're going to answer the question of why yelling works and how you can take action in a different way to get the thing about yelling. Yelling my friend is typically, so I can't wait to tell you the number one replacement for yelling that is equally effective, and we're going to get to that in just a moment. But first let's unlock why yelling works, and we're going to get to that in just a moment. But first let's unlock why yelling works.

Speaker 1:

The reason that yelling works comes down to one super simple thing, and I think you'll hear it in this story. So there was a time with my son where I was so frustrated that I had to keep repeating myself, repeating myself and then finally yelling to get his attention to do the things that needed to be done to get out the door. I would be telling him come on, we have to get your shoes on. You still haven't packed your lunch. Oh, my gosh, we are going to be late. Why aren't your shoes on yet? And where's your coat? And then we get into the car. It's like we didn't get your coat. Oh gosh, dude, and I'm like a growler. That's my oh, that's like a grunt, that's my frustration place. And then I'd be like dude, you are making this so hard.

Speaker 1:

I'd say things like that I really didn't want, that's not how I want to end my morning after I send him off to school, and yet it would feel like that's the only thing that would finally get his attention. Come on, we have to go, and then he would start moving. But guess what? And something changed when I made a tiny shift, and it was this I said to him here's the deal I'm going to be getting in the car at 7.55. If you're ready, I'm happy to drive you. If you're not, you can walk or ride your bike. We live close enough to the school that that is possible. And when the moment came that he was not ready and I just said sounds like you're riding your bike, he huffed, he was upset, he got himself to school, came home, guess what, next morning, morning after morning, after such a different kid. So I thought to myself this is exactly that thing that I work with so many parents on. It is not that it's the yelling that was working. What was working was that he knew I meant it.

Speaker 1:

Our kids are wired to push the boundaries, you guys I mean. One time I saw on a hospital website a kid's job is to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do. Oh, it's so brutal and painful. I wish that didn't have to be their job, because guess what that means? My job as the mom is to hold the clear boundaries when they're pushing up and trying to find where they exist. That's our job to hold kind and firm boundaries. So why does yelling work? Why yelling works is because they know you finally mean it. And for many people, what I find when they reach out to me is that they are in this cycle of yelling because they're using a lot of other tools that do not have the structure enough that shows they mean what they say and they say what they mean. So if we're always just like, please, honey, can we do this, how about if we try it this way? We're always just focused on them being happy enough through the process or them being agreeable.

Speaker 1:

Through the process of trying to get out the door or moving through the upset of them not liking what's going on, friend, we set ourselves up to end up having to yell. And it's because there's this balance there is a constant, I swear, a universe balance between kindness and firmness, if you are overly kind in terms of not holding boundaries and being wishy-washy about when you have a certain consequence or not, or wishy-washy about when you're going to remind 17 times and when you're going to be upset after two. If that is not clear, the universe says I guess we have to go to the other end and finally put you in a place where you're going to be super firm and want to yell and control the situation. There just is an equilibrium. It's not your fault, it's not anything that means that you are a bad mom or dad. It's just, I swear, the universe's balance. And so, friend, if you want to change that cycle and the other key thing that happens here is, then we end up in a guilt spiral back and forth, where, because we've blown up, we feel guilty and we might overly compensate.

Speaker 1:

This also can happen in that balance where if someone's overly harsh and only yelling every time to get a child's attention, they feel bad and then do things like just try to buy them an extra toy when they came home from a work trip or let them have more tech time than you really agreed to, thinking somehow that's going to balance out and have a more positive relationship with your child. But it's not Neither end of that spectrum and bouncing back and forth builds a respectful, responsible child who turns into a respectful, responsible adult. So the reason yelling works is they know you mean it. They are seeking boundaries, they're seeking to know the edge, and the truth is they like, once they finally feel clear on where your boundary is, there's some amount of them. That's like okay. And do you know what that is? That's because it's a piece of attachment. An underrated aspect of attachment is predictability, clarity that we know where that boundary is. So, friends, let's figure out the better way to give them the clarity that we mean what we say and the clarity of predictability, and that is to have healthy, kind and firm ways to mean what you say and say what you mean. And, friend, that's what I teach in my signature CEO.

Speaker 1:

Template of sustainable parenting is we can end what I call the cuckoo cycle. Just commands and consequences. Cuckoo commands, consequences. Or another parent added in floor. I think you need to add the third C is control. It's all about we're trying to have commands, consequences and control be what changes their behavior. That's what yelling is often about. And instead we move into CEO, which is an acronym for the three main steps that, when you go through those steps, it drastically changes your child feeling like they understand where the boundary is in a kind and firm way.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, if you want to learn more about this, I have a link down below in my clarity call. I have a link down below that connects you with me or one of my associates to be able to have a clarity call or session to start moving you forward so that you can replace yelling with something else that means you mean it. We take the mean out of saying what you mean so you can parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. Thank you, and if you want a short intro into what that system looks like, episode 110 has a great summary of some aspects of CEO. That's from May 20.

Speaker 1:

And if you want some more tip, if you, if you want to understand this CEO piece, this CEO acronym, and get some beginning tools with around that, please check out episode 110, which is why kids don't listen, and three simple solutions for better communication. And if you want to dive deeper, let's connect, because that's what I do, one-on-one, in a personalized way with families through parent coaching. Myself or one of my associates would be happy to meet with you to quickly get you into a better place, where you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time and parenting finally feels sustainable. And, friend, don't forget to come back next week as we're going to talk about and friend join me next week. And and friend join me next week. And and friend join me for my next episode, where we'll be talking about how to control your anger as a parent without yelling, because, let's be honest, there are a lot of pieces that lead us to get angry and I want to help you to unlock your most calm, confident self as a mom or dad. See you then.