114. Smart Consequences: Breaking the Code on What works and What Doesn’t.

Ever felt like the consequences you're using just aren't working?

Maybe you've taken away screen time, treats, or even big events—only to see the same behavior again. It can feel frustrating and confusing when nothing seems to make a difference.

In this episode, we take a closer look at why some consequences fall flat, and how small, thoughtful changes can lead to big results. You’ll hear Sean’s story—how he moved from taking away a big event to finding calmer, more connected ways to guide his child’s behavior.

After listening, you’ll walk away with:
• Three common mistakes that can make consequences less effective
• A simple way to use small, step-by-step consequences that help kids learn
• Ideas for keeping limits firm while still showing care and connection

This conversation gently unpacks how effective consequences can support your child’s growth while also keeping your relationship strong. It’s not about punishment—it’s about teaching, guiding, and growing together.

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3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing Effective Consequences
• 0:53 Shannon's Success Story
• 2:04 Three Major Consequence Errors
• 6:20 Better Approach: Small, Related Steps
• 9:41 Kind and Firm Parenting Balance

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You're listening to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with Flora McCormick. On this episode, we are talking about super effective consequences and I can't wait to share with you the secrets that helped amazing dad Sean to move from taking away Christmas to being a dad who had effective consequences, that he left the moment feeling good about and actually impacted his child's behavior. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. Today's listener of the week is Shannon. Shannon has been an incredible supporter of sustainable parenting since its beginning and she shared this review Today. We avoided a huge meltdown because I used the tactics that I learned and it was amazing. He yelled twice. I lost my temper the first time, so I walked away to reset. He tried again and then I had my game plan and within 30 seconds we were back to normal and he was happily cleaning up the mess he made Amazing. Thanks so much, shannon, and for leaving a five-star review, we will be sending you a special bonus in DM as you listen today. If this impacts you in a positive way, we'd love to hear from you and also have you leave a five-star review so that you could be noted as one of our listeners of the week in an upcoming podcast episode.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Many parents come to me in a similar place as Sean. They say to me nothing seems to impact my kids' behavior. I mean seriously, it doesn't matter what we take away, it doesn't matter what we threaten, they don't seem to care. It doesn't seem to matter unless I'm yelling at them or bribing them. Can you relate? If this is you, friend, I bet you are missing. What we are going to talk about today. We're going to unravel the big messy jumble that can be what's going on in your system of consequences. That's what I mainly find is that it's just too messy and complicated and intertwined and not connected in the right way, and that's why consequences likely are not working for you. So let me give you the secrets that Sean used to move from taking away Christmas and birthdays and just losing his temper to being in a place where he felt he knew what to do to impact the behavior and felt proud of himself when he walked away knowing he'd be able to follow through. Here's the difference.

Speaker 1: 3:15

The main errors that I see many parents making in terms of consequences are these First of all, they're way too big the consequences. We often think, oh, I'm going to just go really big to see if it'll really get them to do what I want. So if you're not listening to me, you better do this thing. Or you're not going anywhere for a week, or you will lose your birthday party, or you're not going to play for the entire weekend. Well then, the weekend comes around and in a way, that is something we're going to keep following through on in a consistent way, because we know that's important for behavior change. So first major error is going too big.

Speaker 1: 4:21

Second major error, I see, is having consequences that are not connected but are just about revenge. If you're always like I just don't know what's really going to hurt them in this moment, that's often going to lead you to feel empty-handed and not knowing how to get something in that moment. You end up running out of ideas that are outside of technology or dessert. So instead, let's think about the real intention of consequences is not just to hurt them and that's not at all the intention. It's so that they can learn and want to make better choices in the future. We want consequences to be future focused, not backward shaming. And the third major error that I see happening in terms of ineffective consequences is that we think we need to deliver the consequence in a really serious and kind of bad way, like you are going to hurt because of this and friend. Then we might either push their buttons of self-shame and blame and they start saying things like I'm just a bad kid, I'm like I can't do anything wrong, and that just shuts them down with that sense of cruel, like cruelness in our voice and feeling shame and blame that they're just going to be like well, I'm going to pretend like I don't even care. So we either get rebellion or we get self-loathing and we know we don't want those for our kids, but we don't even realize that that's what's coming from ineffective consequences. So the three key things don't go too big, don't just be trying to hurt and don't be in a mode that is trying to really shame or blame. Here's what I want you to do instead. This is going to be way more effective and it's not harder, it's just a little bit of a different twist in your mindset.

Speaker 1: 6:31

First step is to think small. Think of incremental steps that lead the child into being more likely to change their behavior around. For instance, a child who is not getting ready for bedtime and is dilly-dallying, trying to run away, not getting their jammies on messing with their sibling. We can have a plan in advance that when we are done by this number on the clock, we will have time for two books, and if it takes you longer than that because you're doing X, y and Z, we will only have time for one book. So that's a very clear way to explain in a step down method. That's not just that's it go to bed and you don't get anything that will motivate them to get back on track. So get done quick and snappy. You get two books. Oh no, we might lose one book, and if they're continuing to horse around, you might be able to then take away that second book. Maybe there's songs too. So, step-by-step, we are giving them new opportunities to say you've had this outcome, now pull it together so you don't lose another piece. Or if you continue down this road of negative choices, you're going to lose something else. So go small. Small less is more in terms of consequences.

Speaker 1: 7:49

Second thing we don't need to think about just what's going to hurt them. Let's try to make it as reasonable and related as possible. So if a child keeps leaving their toys all out at night and won't clean them up, well, guess what? Any toy that I clean up on my own, without you contributing, is going to get put away for a couple of days, or maybe one day. I used to do this as young as when my toddler was two, saying oh, let's clean up together All the toys that I clean up by myself I'm going to put on top of the fridge, and that would just be for a day. But boy would that turn things around for him to want to start contributing. Older kids, like my son, when he kept not putting away his bike responsibly to make it related, instead of just taking away tech time or something else that I knew would hurt him, it was when your bike is left out at night, that will not be available the next day. You know, if I have to put it away for you, then it's not going to be available. You're not handling that privilege responsibly, so you'll lose it for one day.

Speaker 1: 8:53

Getting back to rule number one less is more. Not for a whole week, but one day at a time. So small, less is more. Secondly, look for things that are reasonable and related to the behavior. And third of all, let's not make it shame-based. Let's always, always, be conveying our consequences in a way that is relationship-based, and my favorite phrase, which I also mentioned in episode one of the podcast check it out backwards if you haven't yet is I love you?

Speaker 1: 9:26

And the answer is no. We can deliver our consequences without there needing to be shame or blame in the process, and this is that beautiful balance that I love to teach parents in. That is kindness and firmness at the same time. And, friend, if you have been curious about what that could look like, or even, as you're hearing those words, you think, holy smokes, kind and firm at the same time. Hmm, that would be nice if I knew how to do that Then reach out. My email is in the show notes below and I would love to hear from you. What questions do you have? What moments in your discipline has it been hard to be kind and firm at the same time?