Sustainable Parenting

113. From Fun to Done: Ending Activities Without a Battle

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

Share episode

We're diving into how to solve transition battles with kids to help you move seamlessly from one activity to the next with more joy and ease. 

By the time you finish listening, you'll know:

How to stop the ineffective "coo-coo cycle" of commands and consequences and instead become the C.E.O. of transitions - with a powerful four-step approach.


1) Connection first (come alongside and notice what they have been playing with, or name it: "Boy! You have been having so much fun playing in this sand and building that castle. Look at it!"

2) Direct them to their "Last thing" when you have 2-5 min. left- like they say in Daniel Tiger's episode. This gives more empowerment and makes the child feel like they ended on the note THEY choose.: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6ve0cp

3) Use tools that give choice/playfulness to encourage cooperation (from the "Empowering statements" handout: https://drive.google.com/.../114xMIG_i5SZv-OzZct.../view...). This is CRITICAL. Instead of just saying "we have to go", put their brain on choices   

4) "2 roads" if needed. If they continue to not be motivated by all that - give a happy choice that has a happy result, vs. sad choice and sad result. Like: "well, you can go hopping or skipping, or I will hold your hand and help your body move to the car. You choose." I love the "What should Danny do" books to reinforce this idea in a way kids really like. https://www.amazon.com/.../ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_undefined...!

Check out episodes 111 and 112 for more summer parenting strategies. Next week we'll cover what to do when your child cries at drop-off.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

Have you found yourself in a situation where you've had so much fun with your child at the park or a play date, or picking them up from summer camp. You're so excited to see their joy and yet it's immediately met with battles over the transition to leave that situation. Friend, today we're diving into how to solve those transition battles and make sure that you can move from one thing to the next with more joy and ease, and you're going to especially understand the tools that are more helpful when you know today's tip on how to stop the cuckoo cycle and instead use strategies that make you the CEO with that key acronym that we're always talking about in sustainable parenting. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. So this topic came to me because of a forum that I'm a part of that I just want to give a shout out to right now called the mom brain, and this was started by a wonderful pair of women that I know who decided to make a space where you could have this like collective mom brain and ask questions and get answers from experts and fellow moms. So a question that came up today was are there any tips to help my five year old leave somewhere fun and peaceful or fun and peacefully whether it's summer camp, the park, outings it's always a fight to put shoes on and go, sometimes ending in tantrums. I've tried giving minute countdowns, sticker charts, practicing at home. I'm at my wits end. So I came up with the answer to this and want to share it with you today. It's a four step process that you can think about every single time that you're trying to transition, whether it's bath time, leaving bath time, leaving the park, leaving a friend's house. This applies in so many scenarios and, friend, this is a strategy I've been using with my kids from as early as age one or two, and still use these strategies often if we're having challenges with my nine and 11 year old. So this is something that can span the gamut I can share with you.

Speaker 1:

A story that comes to mind is a family I'm working with right now in parent coaching. We'll call their son, samuel, and the parents, susie and John. So Susie and John have been frustrated that Samuel is not transitioning easily into the things they want them to do and he will argue with them. And he's a great little lawyer. They're like gosh. He can just like have all of these arguments and before I know it, I'm like in this giant power struggle with a three-year-old and thinking how did we get here? And this strategy is something that I taught to them. They began implementing and they came back just one week later saying we are not having the battles with transitions, it's better. So this really can be something to change your life quickly.

Speaker 1:

Here are the four steps, friend, when you are coming into a scenario where you're trying to get them to transition from something that's been fun. We're going to do these four things. The first is connection, and if you work with me, I'm always talking about connection before correction. This is foundational and comes from our best research about the emotional brain and understanding that if we're in a place that is heightened, it's like we need someone to relate to that emotion first. Relate to us. We want to be seen as a human being, not just ordered around like a golden retriever or a robot. So if we just come up and say, okay, buddy, time to go, or even if we've just set a timer, like, okay, we're going to leave in five minutes, okay, it's been five minutes time to go, we're still just using what I call the cuckoo cycle, commands and consequences as our main tool. So, friend, I want to elaborate and give you more to work with and a much more effective way to think about this moment. And connection is the first part of the CEO acronym. So we connect first and foremost, and what that looks like can be naming what you see they've been enjoying, or coming alongside Boy, wait a minute, let me see what you've been doing here in the sandbox. Or, wow, you have been having fun playing with the dog this morning, haven't you? Connect to what they're doing. Don't call a command across the playground or across the play date area. Make physical contact, take a moment to put their hands in your hands, eyeball to eyeball, or even a little moment of a hug. Then step two is what I consider encouraging cooperation. And actually steps two and three are going to be elements of encouraging cooperation. That's our E in the CEO acronym, in this case for transition.

Speaker 1:

After we've connected, I want to encourage you to direct them to choose their last thing. This is an idea I got from PBS's Daniel Tiger when my son was around two. We watched this episode called Daniel Tiger Doesn't Want to Stop Playing, and there's this adorable little song that they sing. Because, of course, that's the beauty of these episodes is they give great lessons in songs, and it says almost time to go. So choose one last thing to do. And then Daniel picks his last thing OK, mom, I'm going to build this last part of the tower, awesome. And then she sings. That was fun. And now we're done. Now you can hear, I'm not an amazing singer. You don't have to be. You don't even have to sing the song if you don't want to. But I encourage you to watch the episode which will be linked below in the description of this episode, and watch it with your child, ages two through, I'd say, six. If they're that young, you can explain it through this episode and then say honey, that's what we're going to do when we're about ready to go. Okay, I'm going to just let you know we have two minutes left, so it's time to choose your last thing. And then, after they do that, if they try to beg for another last thing. And another last thing. You can use the little chant or sing it or say it. That was fun and now we're done, let's get going Now.

Speaker 1:

Step three is another tool that you want to follow with that's going to be more likely to encourage cooperation, and that involves dropping the cuckoo cycle command consequence model, which would mean drop just saying okay, buddy, I told you two minutes time to go. Instead, after you have given them the chance to do their last thing, I want you to put their brain on choices. Put their brain on choices looks like hey, do we want to go to the car right side up or upside down? Should we skip or hop? Do you think we could make it there in two minutes or three minutes? Do you think you can get your shoes on fastest if you start with your right shoe or your left shoe? So, something that puts their brain on a choice instead of just obedience or not. We're going to move from their last thing that gave them a sense of empowerment, into choices.

Speaker 1:

This is so critical. It's a different part of the brain that starts firing when we say do you want to do it this way or that way, versus saying, hey, this is what you have to do, want to do it this way or that way, versus saying, hey, this is what you have to do, and essentially that implies are you going to do what I'm saying or not? We want to give choices that are a win-win instead of a battle. Okay, friends, so just to review, if you're tracking with me, we start with connection. Come alongside, name what they're involved in, notice it, maybe even a physical hug of connection and eye contact.

Speaker 1:

Okay, step two and three are two different versions of how to encourage cooperation. That's hey, let's do our last thing. Buddy, you have two minutes left. What's your last thing you want to do? And then put their brain on choices, instead of saying a command or a direction. Say two choices hey, are you going to have this snack in the car or that snack? Should we listen to this song or that song? Should we skip or jump Some sort of choices? Then, my friend, if that has not encouraged it to go well yet, we have to go to step four, which is the ownership, in our CEO acronym, that's connection, encouraging cooperation, and then ownership. Ownership is where we give two choices.

Speaker 1:

You can take the happy road happy result, sad road, sad result. We want them to own that their choices have outcomes. It's not just that we're going to be mad at them, like if you don't, I'm going to be so mad at you. Or like, please, please, please, do it. And then, if they don't do it, we just keep begging in a different way or begging in a different way. We need it to be clear. So our kids connect the dots Happy choices lead to happy results.

Speaker 1:

Sad choices lead to sad results and in a moment of transition that might sound like okay, buddy, well, you can choose to hop or skip, or I will help your body move to the car. Friend, you can choose to put on your right shoe or your left shoe, or I will put them on for you. And that might lead to a little bit of upset if you have to follow through on the sad result. But then, friend, then you're more in the field of suffering with a purpose instead of just suffering in circles. When you have done all those other steps first and clearly given them the choice and they have still not chosen the happy road, then our outcome of having to, you know, kind of hold their hand or move them to the car, the upset of putting them into the car seat when they're feeling resistant still is going to have a lesson learned, because they had all of those other moments that they could have made a different choice and you gave them the opportunity to be very clear that they could walk on their own or you were going to help them. They could get up into the car seat like a rocket ship or a popcorn kernel bursting, or you were going to help them. So, friend, I find that this step one, two, three and four tend to lead us into better cooperation with a lot less effort. And if we have to go to that uncomfortable last layer of it still being a bit of a battle, we've at least handled it in a way that is suffering with a purpose. It's going to lead to better behavior in the future, instead of handling it in a way that's just going to keep us suffering in circles.

Speaker 1:

All right, friend, this is my goal for you this week that this empowers you to be able to have more joy and ease in your summer plans this week. And if you're needing more support with your summer and all things that could be challenging, please check out episodes 111 about setting up your summer for more joy and less battles, and episode 112, where we talk about Tech Time Battles a summer survival guide. Next week we're going to refresh on what to do when your child cries at drop-off. If they are having a hard time beginning the thing, we'll give you tools for that, as today we've talked about what to do if they're having a hard time ending the thing. And, as always, friend, if you need additional support, that's what we do here at Sustainable Parenting, in one-on-one and group coaching. Reach out via the information in your episode description if you'd like to know more. See you next time.