Sustainable Parenting

110. Why Kids Don't Listen and Three Simple Solutions for Better Communication

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Ever found yourself repeating the same instruction fifteen times, feeling like your words have become the Charlie Brown "wah-wah" sound to your children's ears? You're not alone in this frustrating cycle.

Ready to stop wasting breath on endless reminders?  

Today's empowering episode will uncover the 3 fundamental reasons children don't listen and provides transformative solutions that create immediate results.  

These evidence-based approaches create sustainable changes that honor both parent and child needs. Try them this week and experience the difference between suffering in circles and parenting with purpose. 

The sweet spot of effective parenting lives at the intersection of kindness and firmness – not in harsh discipline or permissiveness. These practical techniques create this balance, resulting in children who listen more effectively while maintaining their sense of autonomy and respect. 

Parents report "jaw-dropping" results when implementing these strategies, transforming morning routines and bedtime battles into smoother, more peaceful experiences.

Want personalized support for your unique family challenges? Reach out for a free clarity call through the link in this episode's description. And if you've found value here, please take a moment to leave a five-star review sharing what this episode meant to you!

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

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3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

Have you ever found yourself repeating yourself 10, 15, even 20 times just to get the kids out the door or into bed? Friend, today's episode is going to give you a key three reasons that kids often don't listen and what we can do instead of those repeat mind-numbing reminders that drive us nuts. And you're going to especially understand this after I share a story of a dad who was left with his jaw dropped when his child listened immediately and quickly ran up the stairs to get shoes. I'll explain why in today's episode. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable Welcome.

Speaker 1:

So when I think of this topic of reminding kids a million times, I remember a week where I came to my husband and said the kids just will not listen to me. I swear I have to tell them 15 times to keep moving on the bedtime to get to the next thing, to stop playing with each other, to stop bouncing around to get their toothbrush and not just be staring in the mirror. You know it's like I'm so annoyed and the same keeps happening every morning. I've told him I am trying to get them out the door and it's like come on, you guys. And he said, yeah, flora, because you're not doing any of the things you've been teaching your parents to do. And I was like what I so wanted to point the finger to them like they're not listening. And he's like yeah, you used to do things that were making them listen, and now it's like you're not doing the stuff that you teach people all the time. I stopped after a moment of defensiveness and wanting to just be like you don't understand. I want you to be on my side. I exhaled and realized he was totally right. I was not doing the things that I know make it go better. I was doing all the things that lead kids not to listen, and I want to share those with you today so that you can get on the same page, just like I got on the page of the solutions and experience things going better, like the dad I'm going to share with you who saw his son quickly run upstairs and grab his shoes and move on with the morning.

Speaker 1:

So here's what happens we get in a place where we're making one of these three key errors, and so kids don't listen. It's not that it's only bad kids that don't listen or only disrespectful kids that don't listen, it's just humans, when put in these three scenarios, are less likely to do what you're asking them to do. And what are those three things, friend, kids tend to not listen when, number one, they don't feel seen or heard. Number two, they don't have to. And number three, they haven't been invited to the table. Let's talk about these three First of all, when I was just saying to the kids, over and over, get your shoes, get your coat, get out, get your lunch, get out the door.

Speaker 1:

Or at nighttime, like, come on, it's jammies, oh, you still haven't brushed your teeth, you haven't gone to the bathroom yet, quit horsing around. I was doing this error that we call telling instead of asking. Okay, and telling is super, not empowering. It's like can turn into the Charlie Brown voice. It gives you this gut instinct to want to say no or ignore. And so, friend, listen instead. What it sounds like when you use the clever tool of asking instead of telling and this isn't normal asking can you please get your shoes on?

Speaker 1:

This is asking with a curiosity question. Hey buddy, what do you need to do so your teeth won't feel scuzzy? What's next on the bedtime routine chart? What did we agree we do with our plate when we're done eating? What do you have to do so you won't be late to the bus? How could you and your brother solve that?

Speaker 1:

There's a magic in these curiosity questions that come from positive discipline, that empower the child to solve the problem and are way more likely to have them do what we're asking them to do. And telling instead of asking leads the child to feel really unseen. They're just being treated like a robot or golden retriever, just being told what to do. It feels very dehumanizing, and when, instead, we can use these curiosity questions, it's a sense of the child feeling more seen. Did you feel that at all as you were hearing my examples? The first time, you're like gosh, you don't even like see me, and the second time, ah, I feel seen. So this is the beauty of asking with curiosity questions instead of telling. It increases the listening so much. Here's the second thing I was doing.

Speaker 1:

Wrong is my kids didn't have to do what I was asking them to do. Kids don't listen when they don't have to. What does that mean? Well, often it's about ownership. And who is owning the problem If I'm just reminding and getting angry? I'm owning the problem If, instead, I say something like here's the deal, guys, I'm going to set a timer. Once we've come upstairs for bedtime and for six minutes that's your framework to get your teeth brushed, go to the bathroom, get your jammies on and get into bed. Kids that are in bed by that time will have me read to them, and kids that are not will not Guess how dramatically the behavior and listening changed. It was giant. I stopped having to remind them more than once. I would just give that one reminder. Oh gosh, looks like we're getting really close to that timer going off. Looks like we may not be having stories and they'd be back on track. So powerful.

Speaker 1:

When kids believe that they have to or there's an outcome difference, it really shifts the listening. So listening isn't just about their ears, it's about the action. Our actions speak louder than our words. If there is no follow through, guess what they learn? You don't really mean what you say. You don't say what you mean. When there is follow through. They listen because they know there's something behind those words, your actions and those actions when they affect the child's freedoms or privileges, then it starts to really change things. And it certainly did for my kids when I started to use more statements of questions instead of telling and then having some meat on the bones or some backbone to the request by having a when.

Speaker 1:

Then. When we're ready by this time, then this is the positive outcome. When we aren't, then this is the negative outcome. And putting that in their hands and saying you choose. Now, a key part of this is you may need to let them take the sad road, the not so great road, and experience losing the books. And yes, it can be hard to do that because you're like it's so late, I just want to go to bed. But if you can follow through, that's what I define as suffering with a purpose, so you can stop suffering in circles. It leads to better results in the long run.

Speaker 1:

Part three of why kids don't listen and this gets into my example of the dad who saw his kid just run up and do his thing is they haven't been brought to the table, and what that means is if kids are not involved in the solution. They are way less likely to listen to what you're asking them to do. They are way less likely to listen to what you're asking them to do. So this dad, he decided, instead of just always solving the problem for them, I'm going to bring it up to them and let them solve the problem. So sometimes that happened in family meetings bringing to the table can look like hey, let's sit down and talk about mornings and why they're not going. Well, let's come up with some plans of what else we need to do. One thing for our kids we came up with in a family meeting was let's start having the plan that we're going to find shoes and backpacks and sports gear for tomorrow before we go to bed. That way there's not this like rush at the last minute, because of course it never happens early in the morning. It's always at the final hour that one of them says wait, where's my jersey? Or oh, I can't find my shoes and I really want to wear those shoes. So new plan as a family we came to the table, said how can we make mornings better? And we came to the solution that we will start to gather things up at night. And it really changed things, not because I just told them to do that, but we sat down at the table and problem solved together.

Speaker 1:

Now this dad, who I'll call Andy, brought his child to the table in terms of solving the problem by using the structure of two key phrases I notice and what's your plan for? I notice, buddy, that you still don't have your shoes on your feet. What's your plan for that? And he said, flora, I literally my jaw just dropped when I saw him just put down what he was playing with, run upstairs, grab his shoes, come downstairs and say, dad, I'm ready. He was like he didn't answer me and he didn't do what he normally does, which would be just to blow me off or keep playing or argue with me. It was miraculous. All I did was try that, that template, flora, miraculous. All I did was try that. That template, flora. I notice and what's your plan for? And he was so pleasantly surprised.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, this week to get better listening from your kids.

Speaker 1:

I hope it encourages you to think about how these three key errors can be easily shifted, to not waste your time anymore in those patterns where the kids feel like they're not seen or heard, they don't feel like they have to listen or they don't feel like they've been brought to the table of solving the problem together.

Speaker 1:

Friend, as always, I hope this empowers you to parent with more kindness and firmness at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable. And if you'd like assistance a person really hearing your individual story and giving you the unique solutions and tweaks that you've been missing within your tool belt, reach out. I offer a free clarity call and the information for that is in this episode's description. Finally, if you've gotten value from today, tell us why. We'd love to hear your comments by scrolling to the bottom of all episodes, marking the fifth star and then sharing what this episode meant to you. See you again next week, where we're going to be diving into how to survive summer. And if you're a little nervous about having your kids home a lot extra or going on long trips together, then this is the episode for you, because we're going to talk about ways that we can set a solid foundation so we have more joy and ease in our family time this summer. See you then.