107. The Sushi Boat Theory of Guilt Management

Mother's Day is the perfect time to address the overwhelming stress and guilt many moms experience when they feel like they're barely treading water in the repetitive cycle of parenting tasks. 

Let's stop believing the lie that you're somehow doing motherhood worse than everyone else and talk about practical tools to release guilt and reduce stress in the process.

By the time you finish listening, you will learn:

• The problem centers around one word: "should" - which adds weight and pressure to everything we do.

• How to give yourself back your power and agency.

• Ways to see guilt like an option on a sushi conveyor belt - we can observe it without selecting it.

• How to replace "but" with "and" in our self-talk, to eliminate the guilt cycle.

• The importance of deciding what truly matters to YOU, not what social media suggests.

• Permission to make personal choices about what's worth your energy and what isn't

Join us next episode where we'll tackle how to make a family mission statement to create more teamwork and cooperation in your family. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so we can hear from you.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing Mom Overwhelm
• 1:35 The Problem with "Shoulds"
• 3:16 Shifting from "Should" to "Choose"
• 4:38 Managing Guilt Like Sushi Boats
• 6:22 Decide What Matters to You
• 7:42 Preview and Closing Call

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You're listening to episode 107 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast and, with Mother's Day just around the corner, I want to give you some ideas around stress reduction and tools to help with that mom overwhelm. And let me just say to you, if you feel like you are barely treading water your neck or your nose is barely above the water and that you're very alone in this process of motherhood, this repetitive hamster wheel of cleaning and wiping and busying and entertaining and planning and scheduling and all the things I see you, you are not crazy, you are not somehow doing this worse than everyone else, and I want to just really expose that myth today and give us some hope of what we can do to feel more lightness and release some of that guilt and overwhelm. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing, to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome, so, friend.

Speaker 1: 1:36

This really boils down to one key word that has constantly been the word that I find myself is always there. It's like that evil friend that always shows up and it's should we should. On ourselves, we say, oh, I should really be doing more with my kids. Oh, I should plan something for this weekend. I should be calling my mother more often, I should be a better friend, I should be in better shape. I should X, y, z, whatever the thing is, doesn't it just feel like every should I've just mentioned is like another brick on your shoulders, feeling like this giant wall that's weighing you down? Yeah, and it is so easy for us to get into these shoulds because our culture is teaching them to us. We watch Instagram, we see all these great ideas, and it's this really tricky thing that the internet and books and solutions, even my podcast, could feel like a great resource to you and yet, at the same time, feel a little bit like something you should do. That causes you to then feel overwhelmed if you're not doing it and guilt if you're not doing it. And so, friend, I want to invite you today to shift from should to choose.

Speaker 1: 3:04

The shift from should to choose looks like this Everything I'm about to say in my head that comes out as a should, which PS can also sound like I think I need to. That is like a little should in disguise. I think I really do need to clean up the garage. I think I really do need to clean up the garage. And it's like well, wait a minute, I'm going to pause and say I'm going to choose to. And when I start the sentence that way, immediately I'm like I'm not choosing to clean up the garage this weekend, I do not have the time, that's not the top priority, I'm not choosing to clean the garage this weekend, so I'm not. That feels good. Or if I find myself about to say, oh, I really need to start exercising more, and I shift to a choose. I'm like you know what more and I shift to a choose. I'm like you know what I'm choose to.

Speaker 1: 3:59

A should can be like I should really play more with my kids. A choose can sound like I choose to play for 15 minutes. I can choose I'm going to do something and then I can choose to go make dinner guilt-free, and then I can choose to go make dinner guilt-free. So here's where the guilt comes in is when we release that should and we shift to a choose. We can also pivot to do so guilt-free. And here's a little trick I wanna offer you.

Speaker 1: 4:32

Related to the guilt is a tool from Pooja Lakshman, who has this great book about real self-care. That's the name of her book and she said in a recent public speaking event that I heard her speak in that guilt can be like the little sushi boats that are going around at a restaurant where you know they have like a little nori, or you know these different types of rolls that are going around and you choose which one you're going to eat, which one looks good to you, which one you choose to put on your plate. And if we could see that guilt is just one option in all the options of thoughts we could choose to grab onto here. We could choose to grab onto a thought that says, yeah, good for you for setting clear boundaries, good for you for playing for a while and connecting with your child and nourishing them and nourishing yourself with a healthy meal, good for you. We can focus on the thought that is and instead of If the thought is, oh, I like that I'm cooking dinner and that I don't have to play anymore, I'm choosing not to play anymore, but I feel guilty, we could say no, there doesn't need to be a but I can just say and I played with him and now I'm cooking dinner and those two things are okay. I don't need to bounce back and forth in guilt with a but, and those two things are okay. I don't need to bounce back and forth in guilt with a butt. So, from these are the two tools I give you today.

Speaker 1: 6:05

As we head into Mother's Day, we often are so swamped with guilt and overwhelm. My first tip is shift from shoulds to choose. Be realistic about what that is. Be unique and personal about what that is. Be realistic about what that is. Be unique and personal about what that is.

Speaker 1: 6:17

The Lazy Genius, one of my favorite podcasts that I follow, says the first thing to do when you're choosing something is decide what matters, and that gets to be exactly what matters to you Not the most popular thing that matters to the most amount of people, but just you, listening deep into your core. Like I'm one of those moms that loves to buy store-bought cakes for my kids' birthday parties and I choose not to do super fancy gifts that go home to the friends. I choose not to do, you know, a lot of like fancy things around birthdays because I don't want to be a crappy mom at the birthday. I want to just be connecting and loving and playful. I do love doing more with games or activities, and so I get to choose what matters to me. I'm not saying that has to be what matters to you. You might not be a game person and be all about decorations and prizes to send home to their friends. You get to choose, so decide what matters.

Speaker 1: 7:22

Choose, let go of the shoulds and then remember, if guilt pops up, that you can see it like one of the options on a floating sushi boat going around amongst many thought options you could choose from and perhaps you decide to choose a different one.

Speaker 1: 7:42

Just notice that guilt thought, let it float on by and instead choose the self-care thought. It's like this is great that you're caring for yourself and your child. This is great that you're learning healthy boundaries and modeling those for your child and friend. It is my deep, deep hope that this gives you some freedom and some lightness as you go into Mother's Day weekend and join me in the next episode, where we will be tackling how to make a family mission statement and why it's important and how it can give you a sense of more teamwork and cooperation and unity in your family system. And, as always, friends, we want to keep you in our community, here among those that are looking to change the world by parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time. So be sure to subscribe and leave a review at the bottom, if you haven't before, so we can hear from you.