Sustainable Parenting
Are you tired of power struggles, whining, and tantrums with your kids? Does it seem no matter what you do, they just. won't. LISTEN?!
Friend, you are not alone. I have been there. And I can't wait to share with you the pathway to more joy and ease, getting kids to listen in a way that is still loving, kind and connected.
Welcome to Sustainable Parenting.
Here we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline, so you can parent with kindness and firmness at the same time.
In this podcast, we share simple transformational shifts, so you can finally be the calm, confident parent you always dreamed you'd be.
With my master’s degree in counseling, being a mom of 2 young kids, and 12 years of experience coaching and mentoring parents internationally, I have found the secrets to being a calm confident parent.
These 15 min. episodes will drop each Wednesday and boil down parenting theory and psychology into bite-size strategies that are easy to understand and implement, and for that reason...finally feel sustainable.
Sustainable Parenting
106. Sibling Peace: The 5 F-Words That Transform Fighting
Are you tired of your kids fighting with each other constantly?
And do you find it especially frustrating because having your kids be friends is one of your TOP parenting goals?
Friend, in today's episode we will give you new tools and perspectives to have more calm in your home and:
• Avoid being the constant judge & jury of sibling fights.
• Empower kids to express feelings and solve problems with one another.
• Create a tangible tools for conflict resolution.
• Build healthy relationships between your children.
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You're listening to Episode 106 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast the 5 F-Words of Siblings Without Screaming and we are going to talk about the science behind why kids' siblings tend to fight, and we're going to talk about what are the key ways to improve things. There are a few common myths about siblings that I often talk to parents about in my coaching, and so I want to debunk those for you today and help you have these five F words guiding you in the right direction. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome, okay.
Speaker 1:So first let's talk about why siblings fight. You know it has commonly been understood, or believed, that siblings just don't like each other. They're in competition for one another. The oldest is often dethroned and upset when a younger child is born, but actually the science out there shows that that's not accurate, that indeed most kids feel overly positive about their siblings coming into this world and in general they have positive feelings towards each other. One study by Brenda Vohling, a psychologist that studies sibling relationships at University of Michigan, said, though, that two thirds of books about siblings expect older kids to be jealous, when their research did not really support that and they found instead what tended to affect their being. More negative relationships were, first of all, parents overreacting when siblings misbehave towards each other, assuming and labeling that it's about malcontent, discontent, when really it's just about emotional growth and about learning how to understand conflict and manage conflict. So one thing that we can do is try to be aware of that error of mislabeling it and instead just knowing this is normal life development for them to have conflict with one another. And secondly, we also see in books that there are often many examples portraying that siblings don't like each other, and that can project that negative assumption. One study done also in the University of Michigan saw that of 250 children books reviewed, barely any showed positive sibling relationships or siblings positively resolving their problems. Isn't that fascinating? And I know there are bajillion books out there, so I would love to know what books exactly they were looking at.
Speaker 1:But it's something to take note of. You know, we do subconsciously take in the wording or examples around us, and if we're seeing parents say, oh, of course you did that because you're mad at your brother all the time, or they're reading a book and they're constantly seeing siblings picking on each other, they start to absorb that maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Another reason that siblings fight is they respond to titles or comparisons we're going to talk more about that in a minute. And secondly, sometimes it's because it's working. So please know that we're going to address all of these in our five F words then of what to do instead. So, of the five F words, I want you to think about fault, fun first, fairness and family meetings. Fault, fun first, fairness, family meetings. Here we go.
Speaker 1:Fault is that one of the biggest things we can do that feeds sibling problems. That we don't want to do is looking at who's at fault. If we are coming in, and regularly, you know, when there's a conflict, say trying to find who was the victim and who was the aggressor, we are going to feed unfair feelings in the kids. So you know, we got to remember, even if one tends to be the louder screamer or hitter or scratcher, that other one may be egging things on from behind the scenes. So if you do not see it, you hear a scream from upstairs and you come up there. The best advice from positive discipline, is to put them in the same boat. Wow, I do not know what was happening here, but I know that this is not working out. We both need to take a break.
Speaker 1:If you hear a fight going on upstairs or in another area, we can try to intervene before it gets really to a full blown place and say guys, come on, how can we solve this? And we can have a basic mantra that I love from one of my past clients who is also a school counselor, who said she would say to her daughter her daughters, listen, girls, we're going to get along or move along. So rather than finding fault okay, wait, who was the good guy, who was the bad guy she would just say we're going to solve it and move forward. We're going to get along or we're going to move along, meaning you both can take a little space from one another, maybe both in separate rooms for a little bit, certainly both away from whatever toy they might be arguing over, and I have heard this family after family just giving them like three to five minutes to play in a separate area and saying let's see how that goes, and then we can try again. Saying let's see how that goes, and then we can try again, works wonders, and don't get me wrong, sometimes in that taking space they might just choose to play for a long time by themselves. Well then we've unlocked something. Maybe one of the kids is an introvert personality who needs that space sometimes and the fights are coming up because they've hit the end of their extroverted space and just needing a little time to themselves. So then we can start learning how to help them understand that get along or move along.
Speaker 1:The move along doesn't always have to mean you're in trouble. It can mean you can just say you know what, I think I need a little break and I'd like to play by myself for a bit, and that's okay. You know, I do find it. This leads us into our next F, which is we often can have an error of telling kids they just need to find a way to have fun together, like, come on, can't you just get along? Can't you just play with your sister? She wants to play with you, and that's often to serve our own need for getting a break or something right.
Speaker 1:I get that, I've totally been there but on the other hand, it also can be unfairly expecting our kids to constantly be living an extroverted life of play, play, play with each other, and also it's expecting that they should always feel positive towards one another, and that's just not the case for any relationship between two people. I mean, if you're married or you're partnered in any way, you know that as much as you love your partner, there are times you don't want to be around them. There are times where you would like some space or you are frustrated with them. So, to get the F word right here, instead of fun we want to be focusing on empowering our kids at how to express their dislike or how to take space from one another, and then certainly, how to solve problems with one another when they're not getting along. So rather than just find a way to have fun, let's really empower them that they can take space or they can express dislike.
Speaker 1:The how to Talk so Kids Will Listen book shows you can empower them to draw a picture of how angry they are at what their sibling did. They can write a letter. They can learn to say it in words like bugs and wishes. It bugs me when this and I wish that this can empower them with those scripts, bugs and wishes. Or we can empower them with ways to solve problems effectively, like a wheel of choice that says, hey, let's solve the problem by getting out a wheel, a circle, tracing a plate or something to make a circle, drawing lines that make it be little pies or little sections of a pie, and then let's label those with when you guys aren't getting along, what you can do.
Speaker 1:And, boy, when I finally did this when my daughter was five, it transformed things for me. I mean, constantly I would be coming up, hearing her and the who's, like a sister to her, start fighting over something and their main way to solve it became I'm not going to be your friend anymore, I'm going home. That was like so annoying to hear, that frustrating. But every time I'd come in and say girls, girls, girls, let's see if we can solve it. Do you want to try this, do you want to try that? Often it would be just no, no, no, we don't want to do any of your ideas. So, importantly, we did something different. We took time outside of the upset to sit down and come up with some ideas, put them on this circle, this wheel of choices, and I kid you not within one day, their bickering was better and it was forever better. They would find ways instead, when they would start to get disagreeing with each other to like one or the other would say well, let's look at our wheel, what is our choice from the wheel? They'd still be a little bossy about it, but it was adorable. They actually used the tool because they came up with the ideas and they came up with them outside of the upset moment, so it became this lovely agreement in advance. So, instead of it forcing the kids to have fun whether that's with a neighbor, that's like a sibling or actual siblings empower them how they can take space, express bugs and wishes and be able to solve things with a wheel of choice.
Speaker 1:Third key F word is first, let's not have competitions where we're like who's going to be the first one upstairs, who's going to be the first one to the car? That really feeds competitiveness and we just know this phrase. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's true in our own lives, how we compare ourselves and Instagram families and the adorable family photos and all the things. It's true between our kids, too, if we're comparing them and making one be first or last, or saying why can't you be more outgoing like your brother? Why can't you be more cooperative like your sister? That really steals away their joy and confidence. And when their confidence is stolen, guess what? It's real easy to then lash out at that sibling you're being compared to and have more fights or even deliberate ways of trying to cause harm by saying nasty things or doing hurtful things. Harm by saying nasty things or doing hurtful things.
Speaker 1:So let's not have firsts, let's not compare them. Let's instead compliment. If we like what they're doing, say wow, that was so generous, that was so kind. If they're not doing what we want, you know that is not generous or kind. But let's not compare them to each other. And if at all possible, you're trying to use timers to get out the door, get up to bedtime. Just have a timer. Be what they're competing against. Let's all see what our record can be. Can we beat the family record of two minutes and 37 seconds? Or do you think you both can get there before the timer goes off? But it's not against each other, all right.
Speaker 1:Fourth key F word is fairness, and I could just go deep into this, but the short I want to say of it is kids do want fairness. If we just say life isn't fair, move on. We're missing a deep human need that just is innate. However, I also want you to know it does not help to just make things always equal If we are saying, okay, okay, I'll you know if you're jealous that I'm holding sister, I will hold her for five minutes. I'm setting my timer as soon as I put her down, then I'll pick you up.
Speaker 1:I'll never forget an amazing mom I'll call Amy, who had two daughters and she knew she was going to get pregnant with a third. She was like I don't know how I'm going to manage a third, flora, because already the two are constantly fighting over me. If I'm holding one, the other wants to be held. If one's in my lap, the other wants my lap. I just feel like I am constantly, literally physically being pulled to one or the other and they're competing with each other all day and I try to do it equal. You know I'm like, okay, okay, three minutes, three minutes. And guess what, guys, that feeds it continuing.
Speaker 1:And it was so fun to support Amy in making this one change. It was just validating for her and helping her understand that the opposite is actually more effective in solving this. Which is to say it may not always be equal, but it will be fair, meaning I love you both and I will tend to you in the ways that I know you need something, but it may not always be equal. So if I'm holding sister and you're wanting to be held, there will be another time in the future that I'm holding you. I'm not going to promise it's right now. I'm not going to promise it's exactly three minutes because I'm holding sister for three minutes, but there will be a time my friend there will. Okay, that makes a huge difference. And and as Amy implemented this and started to not have it be about equal, but about fairness, she's like Flora. I finally have like my body back. I finally they're not fighting over me.
Speaker 1:All I had to do was suffer with a purpose. For a few weeks I talked to parents a lot about that phrase. Let's suffer with a purpose so we can stop suffering in circles. Suffer with a purpose so we can stop suffering in circles. So suffer with a purpose in this case with siblings meant there were times that her one child would have a tantrum because she was saying I'm holding sister and I'm not going to be able to hold you right now, but I will at another time and that one had a little tantrum because in the past she would have done it differently. So the toddler had a little tantrum because in the past she would have done it differently. So the toddler had a little tantrum to see if that could change things. But then a couple of moments of that, a couple of times, and it dissipated and things got better. And if you want to know more about this, I suggest you go to episode 96, where I dive more into siblings fighting over fairness, where I dive more into siblings fighting over fairness. That is explained in depth in episode 96.
Speaker 1:All right, our very last F word is family meetings. And, friend, if you are not doing family meetings, it's one of my top recommendations to you and it was a top recommendation when I interviewed Jane Nelson, the founder of Positive Discipline, along with Lynn Lott, and she has been teaching parenting for, you know, 40 plus years. She is a grandmother, she is a mom of seven, I believe, and she just it was so amazing in our three-part series that you can check out in episodes 57, 58, and 59. She just, again and again was talking about how important family meetings are, especially in episode 58. So I'm not going to spoil it, I'm going to let you go there and hear all about it, but family meetings are huge for improving sibling fights.
Speaker 1:All right, friends, so great to have you here with me today and join me next week. And join me in the next episode, where we're going to be talking about our true deep challenges of guilt and overwhelm and the solutions that are not just bubble baths and juice cleanses that can restore your sense of joy and ease. So join me next episode as well. Sense of joy and ease. So join me next episode as well. And, friend, if you haven't yet, be sure that you subscribe so you don't miss future episodes, to be able to help you parent in ways that are kind and firm at the same time, helping parenting to finally feel sustainable. You also can leave me feedback by going to the bottom of the episode descriptors, clicking on the fifth star and leaving a comment. Thanks, friend, can't wait to see you. Of the episode descriptors, clicking on the fifth star and leaving a comment. Thanks, friend, can't wait to see you again next episode.