Sustainable Parenting

104. The Error of Parenting from the Neck Up

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Do you hate when your kids don’t seem to “get it”?   Like when you have clearly explained why they should be more kind, or shown them how to share, or tried to talk them down from the upset…all to have it get you nowhere?  


Today, I’m gonna unpack why this common error I call "parenting from the neck up" just doesn’t land.  


And the good news is … you will get so much more cooperation and change in behavior when you have an alternative to this error.  

Let’s dive in and clarify:

• What actually helps, when children are resistant, emotional, or defiant (RED), and their brains are not logical.

• Why it’s important to stop arguing the "lyrics" (content), and listen to the "music" (feelings). 


• How to use emotional attunement for better results. 


Also- I’m sharing a personal example of when I was reeeeeealy parenting from the neck up and super frustrated.   If I can turn it around- friends, you can too! 

And join me next week for how to end battles with your partner, over parenting.


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Speaker 1:

you're listening to episode 104 of the sustainable parenting podcast, and if you have ever found yourself confused why your kids just goof off and don't listen when you're having a very important conversation about behavior correction, or you're frustrated that, no matter what you seem to do to explain what needs to change in a child's behavior, they continue to do the things that you don't want, or if you've been confused by why your words are not helping your child calm down in their upset moments, this is the episode for you. We're talking about the error we make of parenting from the neck up, and I'll explain what that means and how to solve it in our episode today. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable Welcome.

Speaker 1:

So it's very common that we can end up making this error of parenting from the neck up, and it's one of the common things that I see that causes people to be super frustrated and come to me saying I just lose my patience all the time. I end up yelling at the kids and I don't want to be. And sometimes, when we dig into it, we identify that this is a key error that's getting in the way, and when we solve it we start seeing a lot more cooperation and less upset in ourselves as parents. So let me give you a story that points this out tangibly. So, parenting from the neck up, fl flora, what are you talking about? Of course I have to parent a bit from the neck up. I have to talk to my kid, don't I? Well, yes, of course, but what I mean is that we make the error of getting overly cerebral. We get into thinking logic is our main tool to communicate to our kids the things that need to change, and we are not tuned in to where the child is truly at developmentally. And so then that's why the strategies aren't working, because you're kind of swimming upstream, you're battling against biology. And it's not your fault, it's not that you're not patient enough, it isn't that you don't have the smart enough argument to win with this little lawyer child, it's that you're trying to be cerebral and logical with a brain that is not in a logical place when they're upset or they're battling you or they're saying no. So back this up a little bit.

Speaker 1:

When we think about a child being in a moment that I would define as RED, with the acronym resistant, emotional or defiant RED R-E-D. Resistant, emotional or defiant. Typically their brain has moved from the frontal logical area to the middle emotional area or the very base of their brain, which is the fight, flight or freeze, protect and survive area. We call that the monkey brain or the animal part of their brain. Also, friends, let's remember that the prefrontal cortex, that front logical or wise owl part of the brain, is not fully developed until the late 20s, or some are even saying now, early 30s. So in an upset moment, your child is not in their best thinking brain and, let's be honest, their best thinking brain is still not that strong in these early years. So when they're upset, if we lead with trying to calm down with our words, saying things like okay, well, let's, you know, this is not that big of a deal, we are going to have another chance to come back to the park or you know, it's fine, you just had a turn with it and now it's brother's turn, and so this is about fairness. Or we jump in and say you know, I just I can't have five arms, I can't do this for you right now and this for brother right now. You just need to understand. Do you hear how all of that is leaning into understanding? And if it doesn't work, it's because the child is not in their logical brain. I want to suggest that, to have very different results, you lead with a different part of your body, which is your heart and your breath and your connection.

Speaker 1:

This is about parental attunement. We call it Tuning in to what's going on. One way I've heard it said that I love is to tune into the music, not the lyrics. If the lyrics of what your child is saying is it's not fair, I want this. We get very tempted to just argue the argument. Very tempted to just argue the argument. We're arguing against the lyrics unless, unless we're wise enough to hear the music and tune into that and address that, what that looks like with an upset child is instead saying oh, you're super frustrated that this doesn't feel fair. And if you want to go deeper into how to validate in the fairness, check out episode 96, where we talk about siblings fighting over fairness and what to do instead. But in this case it's tuning in. I can tell that what's going on here is not just the lyrics, the logic of fairness, but that you're feeling sad or you're feeling a little unclear. If I love you equally to your brother or sister, you're feeling frustrated. So let's tune into that. When we tune into it first, it's about noticing okay, I'm going to drop the lyrics, stop arguing. Tune in with my heart and my about noticing Okay, I'm going to drop the lyrics, stop arguing. Tune in with my heart and my breath, my pace, my body. That means maybe a hug, that means a hand on a shoulder, that means crouching down to their level. Tuning in Wow, something's really bothering you right now. Let me drop my argument and just tune in for a second to what you're experiencing. Parenting from the neck down in the heart, in the breath, in the arms, often has way better results, with that resistance and emotion and defiance.

Speaker 1:

When my son was about four, we were doing some, beginning when my son went, and let me give you a really tangible example of this in my own life. When my son was three, we went to a swim class and it was in his first like independent, without me staying in the pool with him class, and when we, you know, I tried to ease him into it, I explained ahead of time how we were going to, you know, get in and get used to the water, and then he'd be doing it on his own, with all these other kids and with the wonderful teacher that mom was just warming him up. But once we got into the pool and then the teacher showed up when it was time for me to leave, he panicked. He clawed at my skin like a raccoon that just dropped from a tree, like do not leave me. And he was very upset and crying and I, in my panic moment of like, oh my gosh, I don't want this happening and I'm embarrassed because there's all these other parents around watching and this like teenage teacher that is, you know, I'm like wanting him to not have to manage a screaming three year old.

Speaker 1:

In the midst of all of this, I just really bounced back and forth in terms of different forms of talking and responding to the lyrics. You know he's saying don't go, don't go. Like honey, I have to go. This is why I have to go and this is why it's going to be fine for you to stay, and I would, you know kind of logic, logic. And then I'd use more words to try to almost like, get in a more threatening like well, if you can't get this together, you are not going to be able to have this reward afterwards. And I would look all around and point like, look at everyone else, everyone else is doing fine. Just, you know, enjoy it like they are. Nobody else is having a hard time, nobody else is scared.

Speaker 1:

I tried all of this logic, threats, you know, explanation to make the moment better. And did it make it any better? Abso-freaking-lutely not. It did not. He was just more panicked, more crying, more clinging. He wasn't hearing anything I was saying. Right, listening to the story, you're probably way smarter than I was in the moment. And, and you can hear and imagine, of course not because his brain was flooded. His brain was definitely in that emotional or super animal safety brain.

Speaker 1:

And so the second round of doing that class. I finally wised up and thought of these ideas. I said, flora, let's try to really tune in, listen to the music, not the lyrics. And when he started to get upset, I used calming strategies like this tool I teach my clients called Whoa, low and Slow, and I used ways with my arms and my breath and my heart to calm him and it went way better. I mean, we had to sign up for a whole second session to be able to get it right. I don't know if you're like me, but sometimes it takes many rounds of it not going well till you finally decide to get some help. Try a new way. I did, finally, and the second round was completely different. He had a wonderful time. He was upset for like five minutes of the class. I mean, let's say it's not that he wasn't upset at all, he was upset for a short amount and he moved on and he really learned some swimming skills. So this is the type of change I want for you too.

Speaker 1:

Now, don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean I don't explain anything to my children. It doesn't mean that we don't have logical conversations, but it does mean that we have them in the right time when they're actually going to hit their logical brain. So if you could picture like a curve, like a sign curve of, you know, an average going up and coming down in a bell curve that's what I'm trying to say. I'm not a math person. If you can picture a bell curve going up, cresting and coming back down.

Speaker 1:

I want you to think in those very upset moments, self, like I say it to myself, flora, quit arguing the argument. Listen to the music, not the lyrics. Be attuned, tune in that they're frustrated, they're angry, they're disappointed, and let's name that connect to it. And with my pace and my body and my breath, I'm going to slow down, tune in and help them out of the struggle. And if you'd like some more support with what all of the pieces look like, from A to Z, in the Sustainable Parenting Tool Belt, remember you can always reach out to me. I have room right now in my group coaching program and would love to have you join other parents in small groups of five to seven others that are learning these tools, practicing together and learning all of the more effective strategies For now, friend, I hope this serves you this week to have strategies to be more kind and firm at the same time, so parenting finally feels sustainable. Be sure to join me next week as we'll be talking about how to end battles with your partner over parenting.