Sustainable Parenting

102. The Truth about Mom Rage

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Rage is rarely discussed in parenting circles, yet many mothers experience moments of intense anger toward their children that leave them feeling guilty, confused, and deeply ashamed. As a licensed therapist and parent who's navigated these turbulent emotions firsthand, I'm pulling back the curtain on this taboo topic with complete honesty.

During this raw conversation, I share my personal experiences with mom rage, including moments I'm not proud of and the violent thoughts that shocked me as a typically gentle person. The paradox is striking: I've never felt more anger toward anyone than my own children, yet simultaneously have never felt more profound love for any human beings. This contradiction lies at the heart of the parenting journey for many of us.

The breakthrough moment came with one simple realization: unmet needs fuel our rage. 

When we're chronically sleep-deprived, nutritionally depleted, lacking adult connection, and missing a sense of accomplishment, our capacity for patience evaporates. Rather than suggesting unrealistic self-care solutions, I offer two practical approaches that transformed my experience: self-compassion and boundary-setting. 

Learning to drop the "shoulds" from my internal dialogue and creating a personal mantra—"All I can do is all I can do and that is enough"—became oxygen to my overwhelmed mind. Similarly, establishing healthy boundaries around what I could realistically give to my children prevented the resentment that fueled my anger.

Whether you've experienced fleeting moments of rage or struggle with ongoing anger toward your children, this episode provides a judgment-free space to understand these emotions and practical tools to manage them. If you've found value in these insights, please take a moment to rate, comment, and subscribe to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast so you don't miss our upcoming discussion on "self-care bulldozing."

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Speaker 1:

You're listening to episode 102 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant. Today, friends, we're getting into mom rage, and let me tell you, I've never had more violent and angry feelings towards anyone else in the world than with my own children. I will admit that humbly, and I also, of course, have never felt more love and connection to any human being more than my own children, and so, if you've experienced that too, let's unpack this. I want to give you one key word that makes all the difference in how you understand why these two things can be together. Mom rage is a real thing and it's very normal, it turns out. Research shows that it's very common, and it also is something that we can help ease if we have the right tools. So let's talk about it today. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing, to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. So there's one key reason that often is leading moms to continue to feel a lot of anger towards their kids and not have it be getting better.

Speaker 1:

And I'm going to get to this word in just a moment, but first I want to tell you a story. I can remember being with my three-year-old who was crying and whining and tantruming and of course, the baby was in a wrap across my chest and as the toddler was crying, it made the baby start crying and shot my nervous system just through the roof. I'm very sensitive to noise, particularly my kids. Crying or screaming like just rattles my nervous system to the core. Some people that doesn't bother as much, but for me it really did. And when I had both my children crying, I can remember the thoughts going through my head sounded like this why is he doing this? And then, underneath that, what is wrong with me that I have a child who is doing this? And then, underneath that, what is wrong with me that I have a child who is doing this? What am I doing wrong? And then the next feeling that would come from that was anger towards him and and really it was about the anger towards myself. I felt like I was failing. I felt like not a good enough mom to have a child who was doing these out of control behaviors and that I hadn't found a way to ease them and that, no matter what I said, he would continue unraveling and I would just get more and more angry.

Speaker 1:

I remember a moment where I asked my son to go into his room and he wouldn't go in there and I took him by the shoulders and firmly you know, kind of pushed him onto the bed like you need to take a break in here, and I'm not proud of that. I can vividly remember the sensation of pushing him and the moment I replayed in my mind all the time. And I just want to be clear he did not have any injuries, he was okay, but to me it was the worst thing ever and I was not proud of it. That's not something I wanted to be doing as a mom, but I couldn't believe the level of anger I would get to in these moments where he was tantruming and whining and crying. I remember saying to a friend I wonder if this is like postpartum or postpartum anxiety, postpartum anxiety or depression.

Speaker 1:

I've heard about having just like rageful feelings. And I do have a new baby we had an eight-month-old at the time. But I don't feel the rage towards the baby. I'm feeling it towards my toddler. I'm wanting to like hurt him. Sometimes I felt like I was having visions of like throwing him out the window. I mean, I'm just being super raw and honest with you guys Because I want you to know if you have had thoughts that are that wild, that totally out of character for who you are as a person. You're not alone and friend.

Speaker 1:

I was glad that I was willing to share that with someone because it deflated the power of it in my head and it gave me a pathway towards help, and that pathway towards help was realizing this one key thing was the source of that rage. The source of that rage was that I had needs that were not being met, was that I had needs that were not being met. The source of that rage was me being completely depleted, like sleep deprived, nutrition deprived, often water deprived. I was just gulping, chugging the coffee all day long and then couldn't wait to have a glass of wine in the evening day long and then couldn't wait to have a glass of wine in the evening. Just so much deprivation of the things that I needed. I was deprived of friendship time. I was deprived of intimacy with my husband because we're just living a life that did not lead to much romance because, you know, after you're changing dirty diapers and being woken up multiple times in the night, it just wasn't great for my libido or any of our time together. I was deprived of feeling a sense of accomplishment.

Speaker 1:

You know, motherhood can feel very cyclical and unrewarding at times. It's like I've cleaned up the kitchen and immediately we're making a new meal and we're getting it all messy again. I've cleaned up the house and immediately the kid wakes up from a nap and they're playing again, and it's a disaster. 20 minutes later I've changed the diaper and what do you know? It's full again and it needs to be changed. I've put the baby to sleep and gotten through that like feeling of, you know, trying to get them to fall asleep, and then, what do you know? They're up and a few hours later we're needing to do it again.

Speaker 1:

So there's so many ways that my needs were not being met and, turns out, research shows that that's a key underlying factor of what leads to our mom rage. We can't give what we don't have. We can't give patience, kindness, gentleness if we're not feeling filled up and supported with that from our environment. So what do we do? So what do we do? My top suggestion to you is not some flowery fake like figure out how to go on a spa date with your friends or go on a weekend getaway with your partner. That may not be realistic, but here's what is realistic is to do some self-care in these three ways, and some of them have been brought to my attention by an amazing book called Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshman, and she shares five key sources of self-care that are like, really, really effective from research. She's an OBGYN and a mother and a divorced single mom and many just you know she's been through a lot of challenges and she's very educated and she shares. I want to share just a few of her tips that really landed for me in terms of how to be able to meet needs that are leading to your rage.

Speaker 1:

Meet needs that are leading to your rage. The first thing that I want to suggest to you in order to meet your own needs that is key here is compassion. Compassion to yourself means dropping all the shoulds and leading with what you can really do. I just had a session with a mom last week. She has a nine-month-old. Her husband was out of town for two weeks and we were talking about this. She's like I just am overwhelmed by my to-do list and wanting to have time with the baby and the things I want to do to take care of myself, and as we broke it down, it really was all these shoulds. I feel like, since I'm a single mom, I should do a bunch of extra things to clean out closets and make extra special meals. And yet it was like but if we really look at that, is that realistic right now? Is it necessary? Is that shooting voice from someone else? Or can you give yourself some compassion for where you're at and say you know what, all I can do is all I can do. I'm going to prioritize what's top of list, what needs to happen, and let go of what doesn't.

Speaker 1:

So that self-compassion to not expect yourself to be super productive, super, you know, cute, maybe, super dressed up, super, whatever, super energetic. To say it is what it is. That's a concept from dialectical behavioral therapy that I've used with many clients over the years, and just a simple and yet profound phrase to be able to say it is what it is. I remember in my motherhood, with that phrase transferred to. That was powerful for me was all I can do is all I can do and that is enough. As a phrase that I just kind of created and it just I'd have to say it like a mantra. That was oxygen to my overwhelmed shooting self that when I inhaled I would say that I it all I can do, is all I can do and that is enough. And then exhaling all the shoulds and the you've got to and what about? And feeling like I needed to prove myself to others or find my worth in accomplishment, blah, blah, blah, all that junk, exhale that out and breathe in. All I can do is all I can do and that is enough. That's what compassion looks like. I invite you to that.

Speaker 1:

The second thing that I took from Pooja that is super valuable is boundaries. If your needs are not being met, are there ways that you haven't asked for help that would really support you? Are there ways that you are not having enough boundaries with your children of what you're willing to give and do that? If you could set those boundaries, it would give you so much more energy and sense of restoration. Here's what I mean. You know.

Speaker 1:

I recall feeling like I had to bounce my baby for 40 minutes on this exercise ball while letting his head sort of bob, and he was swaddled, just perfectly, and all these things. I thought it was my job to make sure to get him to sleep. And as he got older, I thought it was my job to calm every upset that he had. I thought it was my job to lay next to him all the way till he fell asleep as a toddler. And what that did was, again and again, when I was being pushed past what I felt capable energetically of really giving, or what felt like a healthy boundary for my time and effort, I led to resentment, it led to anger, it led to rage. And so, being clear with myself first and then with my child on, you know, it sounds like you need some space to cry. I'm going to walk away and give you that space was huge. And I don't mean that we never soothe our children, hug them through their upsets, and I don't mean that we never soothe our children, hug them through their upsets, but I mean it's okay to also have your limit If they are doing that thing.

Speaker 1:

I call pushing out the cry, which my kids would do. It's like okay, I have soothed this. This is now kind of I can hear that you're pushing out more cries, kind of just to see if it changes my mind, or to you know, continue to to what I call circle the drain. My daughter does like just stay stuck and that's not helping either one of us. So let me disengage for a moment and see if that shifts your ability to calm your crying. And that boundary helps so much the boundary of saying I'm going to work with a sleep coach and figure out the ways that I don't need to be bouncing you for 45 minutes.

Speaker 1:

You know PS, I know that was not effective sleep training or sleep strategy for helping my child and really he was overtired. Oh, there's so many things I realized later. But working with a sleep coach, getting the help I needed and the support, then finally I was able to get in way different practices with my toddler and my baby that were just like a breath of fresh air, a giant exhale, like 50 pounds lifted off my shoulders. That my need was then met, that I could put the baby down and walk away. That my need was met that I don't need to let you continue screaming in my face, I can walk away. My need for boundaries. Really, you know, when that need was met, it really decreased my mom rage. So, friend, I invite you to those two key ways to think about how to get your needs met.

Speaker 1:

As always, friend, I hope these tips help you to parent more, with kindness and firmness at the same time, so parenting finally feels sustainable. And in our next episode I'm talking about self-care bulldozing. So join me in the conversation where we can talk about how we sometimes create our biggest obstacles and how we can stop doing that. And, friend, I would love to hear from you If you have feedback about how this episode affected you or any comments. Please feel free to share those at the bottom of all the episode listings, where you can see a star rating option and then leave a comment. And, friend, if you haven't yet followed and subscribed, please do so so you don't miss anything from our parenting tips in the future. Talk soon, friend. You.