Sustainable Parenting

96. Siblings Fighting Over Fairness

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Did you know, 75% of families surveyed in 2004 said 75% of their children's fights with each other are over THINGS (ie. posessions).  The remainder of the fights are typically over the parent's attention.  And BOY can it be frustrating.  

Sibling rivalry often stems from children’s perceptions of fairness, affecting family dynamics significantly, so let's find some quick solutions today.

This episode emphasizes addressing underlying feelings rather than merely trying to create equitable treatment, guiding parents toward a more effective approach to fostering cooperation among siblings.

When you are listening, you'll know: 

• Common challenges of sibling rivalry 
• How to "solve the feeling, not the fairness" 
• Expert advice from books like "Siblings Without Rivalry" 
• Practical strategies for problem-solving within family dynamics 
• Ways to foster loving patterns in your family

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

Hi, friend, you're listening to episode 96 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach of over 20 years and early childhood mental health consultant. Today we're talking about how to help these issues of siblings fighting over fairness and this is an issue that came up in a parent coaching session this week, and I would say issues around siblings comes up at least on a weekly basis in the work that I do with family. So if you're having struggles between kids saying that's not fair, trust me you're not alone and trust me, this is a very easy and memorable and usable tool today that I want to give you to quickly get into more calm and cooperation. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome Real quick. Before we dive in, I want to remind you if you have not yet subscribed to the podcast, please do so, and also be sure to leave a four star review. At the very bottom of the episodes where you'll see stars, you click on the final one and then it opens up a space to leave a comment. It really helps, if you've been enjoying the content here, to share why you've enjoyed it so others can know what they can benefit from as well. Now I want to quickly share a review from Piper, who is a recent client who just wrapped up working with me over the course of four months. She said Flora really helped our family tweak a few things so we could all function as our better selves during family interactions not just the good ones, but the difficult ones too. Flora helped us step outside our parenting roles to see what was going on from more of a bird's eye perspective, and it helped change our attitudes towards certain situations, helped us regulate ourselves so we could better regulate our spirited child. And there's more in that review. You can see it on Google among other reviews, but I just wanted to share a snippet. Remember, friend, if you'd like to dive in deeper and get to more results faster, contact me via the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

All right into our topic for today. How do we help siblings with fights over fairness, the key phrase I want you to think about, friend, is solve the feeling, not the fairness. Solve the feeling, not the fairness. Here's what I mean. Countless books about sibling rivalry tell you to do something that you might not think is making the most sense, which is to go the opposite direction of fairness. Countless books that I have read, including Siblings Without Rivalry and a book called how to Raise Kids who Aren't A-Holes side note, wonderful book and others that I have read about siblings, say when we enforce thoughts about fairness, we actually feed the beast. Meaning, if a child says to us that's not fair, that Jason gets to go to a birthday party, I'm not doing anything special today, and we think we have to create a special equivalent for that child, we actually feed them being more whiny and more discontent over fairness in the future. So let me just give you some tidbits from some of the experts. One of my favorites. It comes from Siblings Without Rivalry, written by the authors of how to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, which is Faber and Maslish.

Speaker 1:

And they say instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need. Equal amounts, give according to individual need. So meaning, if it's not, it's not about you get six grapes and you're complaining that your sister got seven grapes. But you're saying do you have what you need? Did you get some grapes? Yes, Everyone got some grapes. We're not leaving anyone out and in terms of equal love, even if it becomes this competition, you're holding her on your lap. That's not fair. I want to turn on your lap.

Speaker 1:

I had one client who said that was happening so much and she constantly felt torn between meeting each child's needs and they were kind of never ending, always asking for more, and she would feel just deflated by it all and really empty of giving, giving, giving and it never being enough. The kid's always wanting more. Instead of showing equal love, show the child that he or she is uniquely loved. So instead of needing to say I know I had her on my lap for five minutes, I'll let you have my lap in five minutes for five minutes also. Don't need that equality. We just say are you needing a reminder that I love you too? I do love you too. I have sister on my lap right now and let me remind you with my words I love this, this and this about you. So it doesn't have to be equal. We can just remind them how much we uniquely love them, and the client that I was just mentioning.

Speaker 1:

As soon as she made this change to actually less focus on equality and just being able to say I love you, I'm here for you, and sometimes I'll have her on my lap, Sometimes I'll have you on your on my lap. I'm not going to make it perfectly equal. I will be with you when I can and I love you both equally. She saw dramatic change in their fights over fairness and dramatic change in this pull of tug of war that she had felt. It just, she said it like just dropped it just totally made it disappear that there was no longer this fight over her when she wasn't playing the game of keeping the tally sheet always equal and, instead of giving equal time, give time according to need. They're like that's not fair. You're taking her to your, to the basketball game, You're going to be with her for a whole hour. It's like yes, and when you need me for something, I will be taking you to that. I will be taking you when you have cheerleading practice or if you need a ride to a friend's sleepover. I am there for each one of you as best as I can with what your needs are, so you do not have to be fighting with them about equality. We can focus instead on loving them uniquely. So when I say to focus on the feeling instead of the fairness, it's in line in the way that if you're responding to your child and you're saying you know you're fine with seven, with six grapes, you know, yes, sister's on my lap right now, or yes, I'm taking brother to the basketball game and they're still upset.

Speaker 1:

You can try the process I call NIP, which focuses on the feeling. You start with naming to tame. We name it to tame it. That's the N Boy. I notice you're very frustrated. I notice you're sad. I focus on the feeling that's underneath you're sad. I focus on the feeling that's underneath their whining or complaining of fairness.

Speaker 1:

Second in the NIP, acronym N-I-P is I and that's I'm listening. Tell me more. Now, that's hard to do because we usually want to just say knock it off, this doesn't matter, and we get very cerebral. But this leans into the heart, which is usually what's the fairness is about. Do you love me as much as you love my sister or brother? So we're attending to that. Tell me more why this bothers you.

Speaker 1:

Then we listen and then P is problem solve or pivot. Problem solve would look like what can we do to make this better? And if they're like, just give me this one more grape so it's equal, or take me to the game or let me on the lap. No, no, no, we're not solving the fairness, we're solving the feeling. What can we do to make the feeling of being sad better?

Speaker 1:

I'm happy to give you a hug. I'm happy to remind you uniquely how much I love you. I'm happy to remind you that we'll be spending time together in other ways. I will always be giving you what you need, not necessarily equally, but uniquely. So N-I-P. Sometimes that P, especially when they're little, just looks like a pivot. You know, hey, did you want to maybe check out the tractors over there? Something to distract and redirect. So, friend, when you notice this fights about fairness, if it's fighting especially for your attention, your time, things from you, I want you to think about how to focus on the feeling, not the fairness, and how you can love each child uniquely and not have to do it equally. All right, friend, I hope this gives you a good strategy to use this week and as always, so that you can build your tool belt of being kind and firm at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable. See you next week.