Sustainable Parenting

95. Why Your Child is Disrespectful and How to Turn It Around

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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In this episode, we explore the roots of childhood disrespect and the transformative strategies that can cultivate cooperation and connection between parents and children. 

By shifting focus from reactions to understanding underlying emotions, parents can address issues with more empathy and effectiveness. 

🌟By the time you finish listening, you'll know:


  • The iceberg of behavior.  ie. What it means to respond to the real intent of the behavior.


  • How QTIP plays into disrespectful behavior


  • The WWHD method for effective conversations after defiant, rude or disrespectful behavior.


  • Why we need to IGNORE some aspects of misbehavior.


Join us next week in our workshop on "How to decrease Defiance and Resistance, and Increase Speedy Cooperation": https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop-4/

Order form for WWHD magnet at https://sustainableparenting.com/wwhdmagnet

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

Hello friends, you're listening to Episode 95 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed Counselor, parenting Coach and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant. Today we are talking about why your child is disrespectful and how to turn it around. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, what is the pathway out? We can descend in a spiral of negativity when we see descend in a spiral of negativity when we see defiance and disrespect, or we can ascend out of it with the right steps. And so the dissension typically involves rationalizing, arguing, trying to have more control and dominance and then having some sort of outburst when that control and dominance does not change the child's behavior. And I will share just one story that stands out to me as I'm working with a mom of an 11 year old who is seeing dramatic change in her relationship with her child. Leading with these concepts, her child regularly wants to just make snappy comments to siblings. Concepts Her child regularly wants to just make snappy comments to siblings is prone to just telling her she's the worst mom ever. You know, only leaning in for affection when she wants something like a drink at Starbucks or for her mom to let her have a friend over, but otherwise can be very short, snappy, negative. The mom described it just feels like all day long it's nothing but rude and disrespectful comments or actions towards her siblings or us as parents. It's exhausting and as we started to use the tools that we talk about today in this episode, they have moved to a place. That isn't perfect we're still in progress. They've worked with me for about three months, but they have gotten to where the child is being speedy, cooperative and more calm and kind. In the morning, which used to be a total nightmare from the moment she woke up until they dropped her off at school, it's now super calm and comfortable, and same with the evening. School it's now super calm and comfortable, and same with the evening used to be miserable process where she'd resist, dig her heels in, refuse to go to bed and just continue to say negative things to bother her siblings. And now bedtimes are going amazingly, ending with snuggles and togetherness between her and mom, which are the two key conflict relationships between her and mom, which are the two key conflict relationships. And third, she's making progress on solving other challenging moments. So, friend, I wish for this for you too.

Speaker 1:

The way to ascend out of disrespect and defiance is to lead with listening to the music, not the lyrics, and to approach with getting curious, not furious. The first is to listen to the music, not the lyrics. What I mean is often your child's misbehavior or disrespect is going to come out in words or actions which we could just react to, or we could see them as just the tip of an iceberg, with a lot more going on under the surface. If we look at just the tip, we're going to say don't you walk away from me. Or we're going to say don't do exactly what I just told you not to do. That's so disrespectful. With that look in your eye and a laugh. Or we're going to be very frustrated when we're trying to have a serious conversation about how what they did just now to their sister was so hurtful and they laugh. Or they say some goofy, off-topic comment we're going to get at. Why would you get goofy, why would you laugh at me? We're going to focus on that top of the iceberg. Or if they're snapping at us and saying things like you're the worst and I hate you. Or if they're snapping at us and saying things like you're the worst and I hate you, we're going to defend ourselves with logic. Well, if I was the worst, would I be the mom that just paid for you to go to this expensive football camp? Would I be taking you to gymnastics every week? That's how we can get right. We start with defensiveness. We're going to have it descend in the downward spiral.

Speaker 1:

So the opposite is to listen to the music, not the lyrics. Look underneath the iceberg to think about what kinds of feelings might be going on for your child that are motivating this. And don't get me wrong, hold on, hold on. I'm not just saying, oh great, okay, we're going to just talk about feelings and then this kid just gets his way. When do we get some sense of respect? Also, I hear you. I want you to be getting respect.

Speaker 1:

However, I know that if we don't look under the surface of the action and try to hear the tone attune to what our child is feeling and struggling with, we aren't going to be able to move forward. We can't solve it based on just that tip of the iceberg, when we can get more wise, more deep, more curious, not furious. That means thinking okay, when he chooses to walk away from me when I'm in the middle of a conversation, what is that really about? Have I been lecturing and laying into him for like 10 minutes about this topic? Maybe the walking away is like I can step back and go. You know what he's kind of right. It was his way to physically say I need a break in this conversation, and so maybe I can start to name that. You know what it looks like sometimes. You need a break in the conversation and we can then be able to ask and look for ways to solve that problem with what we know is the true need. So when we identify the need, we can solve the problem collaboratively. Okay, so it sounds.

Speaker 1:

You know, honey, when you just walk away from me, I'm thinking maybe that's your way of saying I need a break. Could we make an agreement that you just say dad, I need a break, mom, I need a break? Can we talk about this in a minute? And I will be so happy to respond to that positively and be like yes, take a break. And then you know, something I just learned in a retreat this weekend which was focused on marriage but certainly applies also to our kids was if you get so elevated, you need a break. Think about coming back to the conversation in no less than 24 minutes, but no more than 24 hours. It's kind of a good litmus test. No less than 24 minutes I can really get the cortisol down from both of us that we got elevated. We were upset with each other. Things got set. You know, we were in a space where things could have gotten said that shouldn't have been, or maybe they already did get said. What can we do to let that come down with giving at least 24 minutes, but not let it go less than 24 hours, but not let it go more than 24 hours wherein we can then kind of just move on and sweep it under the rug and the problem never gets solved.

Speaker 1:

If a child is doing sneaky behaviors and looking at you and intentionally doing what you just asked them not to do and that feels disrespectful, when you look under the surface you might discover there's an innate curiosity. Be reminded, of course, this kid just landed on the planet two years ago, three years ago. They are budding with curiosity about how the world works and what happens if they try this thing over here or that thing over there, and some kids will respond to just saying, oh, please don't touch that. But some kids are what we call aggressive investigators. They need to go towards the thing and push it and then see that they are either removed from that, from that room, or that item is removed, or to like, learn and understand why it's not okay for them to touch it. Have you walk them through that for them to be able to accept that limit? So if we look under the surface, we're going to be more wise about okay, this is a child that's just an aggressive investigator, they're testing. Let more wise about okay, this is a child that's just an aggressive investigator, they're testing. Let's explain things to them. Or let's be clear about the outcomes. If they push past that explanation and test Now, it's going to get us further than just wrote do what I want, because I said so kind of language Continuing in our examples of disrespectful behavior.

Speaker 1:

If they shout at you, you're the worst mom ever and I hate you. If we again get to where we're, listening to the music. We're getting curious about that, not furious. We're going to be in a space to potentially think, okay, this is maybe this kid's way of trying to say to me I am very upset with you. And for more on that, I would recommend you listen to episode 69, where we talk about how to shift rudeness to respectful communication, and episode 46, what to say when your child says you're mean. Both of these are really useful ways to have better tools. If they're saying I hate you, you're mean. But underneath, if you listen to the music, not the lyrics, you're realizing this child is struggling. They're upset with me. They don't know how to say it in a way that is emotionally mature. Heck, a lot of 40 to 50 to 60 year olds I know don't know how to say that in a way that's emotionally mature, right? So of course they don't. So we may need to work on re-scripting, emotional intelligence training, on how to notice you're mad and say to someone you know I'm really mad at you right, now and again. That might also be about boundary setting and saying you know and you're welcome to say I'm really mad. Can we talk about this later?

Speaker 1:

I need a break and similar if you think it's disrespectful when a child laughs at you, when you're lecturing them about something or trying to correct them on a behavior from the way they treated their sibling, that laughter is actually very normal as a response of being uncomfortable. It's just a deflection tactic, a way to try to say, oh, this is hitting me too hard, I don't know how to take it in, I can't. My ego isn't strong enough, so I'm just going to laugh it off or say some random side thing to have this information bounce off me Super common deflection tool. And we can take that as wisdom. This isn't just a child on the surface being disrespectful. This is them trying to say I can't take this in. You're laying it in hard on like just what I did wrong.

Speaker 1:

Think about how to shift our language into how can I make this better? One of my favorite tools for that is WWHD, a system of four questions that are so much more effective in processing a negative choice the child made instead of just going down the road of a moral lecture, and I put that into a magnet that I would love to share with you. I'm not making any money off these magnets, but I just love to share refrigerator reminders, so I'll put a link in the show notes if that's a magnet that would be useful for your fridge. It has four key questions what were you wanting or feeling, what did you choose to do with that want or that feeling, how'd that work out and what could you do differently next time? Wwhd what were you wanting or feeling, what did you choose to do, how'd that work out and what could you do differently next time Really changes the conversation.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, this is a shift that I would encourage you to make. It's a mindset shift. It involves a lot of different actions shifting also as a follow-up, and if you're not sure exactly what that looks like, I'd love to invite you to my upcoming workshop that's happening February 12th, where we will be diving into this deeper, about how to decrease disrespect and resistance and increase speedy cooperation, and the link will also be in our show notes. And this is certainly a topic that leads many people to want to work more with me in parent coaching too, so that we can make sure our response is aligned to this new, more effective mental perspective and taking action that is actually effective, to more growth, connectedness and teamwork moving forward. I hope that these tools I've offered today give you a glimpse into the starting point of how you can have less disrespect, start to turn around those patterns and have more connection and calm as you use your tools of sustainable parenting. Talk soon.