Sustainable Parenting

93. How to Grow Self-Motivation & Responsibility

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Do you get frustrated that you have to constantly remind your children of their daily tasks and responsibilities?

Do you wish they could be more self-motivated to just get done the things they KNOW they need to get done?

This episode dives into effective strategies to motivate children.

By the time you finish listening, you'll know:

• How to use effective family meetings to motivating kids.

• How parental engagement in children’s tasks makes a big difference.

• Ways to turn responsibilities into playful activities.

Plus, here's the digital calendar I mention in the episode: https://amzn.to/4goCNlv

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

Welcome. You're listening to Episode 93 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed Counselor, parenting Coach and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant. Today we're going to talk about the three main tips I have for you around what to do when your kids don't seem self-motivated to follow through and do the things you just need them to do. How do we encourage kids to be more self-motivated, to follow through and do the things you just need them to do? How do we encourage kids to be more self-motivated? Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Speaker 1:

Before we jump into this content, I want to just share a quick review from Marley, who shared this week a new review in Google, and I just appreciated her words so much. Laura is so kind and thoughtful. Her approach to parenting is honestly liberating, loving and compassionate and clear boundaries for ourselves and our kiddo, instead of feeling like there was some complicated system we were somehow missing or supposed to follow. The advice we got over the four months of seeing Flora was always both intuitive and enlightening. With so much practical advice that was natural to implement. Parenthood has become more fun, relaxed and connected. Marley, thank you so much for sharing that so other families can know what's possible for them too. Remember, friend, if you'd like to dive into working more with me directly, you can always see a link in the show notes for how to set that up. All right, let's dive into today's material around how to get them to be more self-motivated Now. I was spurred into this by a comment by one of my participants in my Facebook group, so this is a great time to just remind you, I do have a Facebook group called Sustainable Parenting. You can search for that and join and see many different tips. I've shared along the way videos of myself parenting many in there. I have examples of me actually parenting my kids. Please feel free to join us there, sustainable Parenting.

Speaker 1:

And the question was I have an eight and 10 and a half year old and my kids know my expectations. We've discussed it. But then what do I do when I am not right there beside them and they just don't do the thing We've tried to say when your expectations are done, then X, y, z, but if I'm not right there watching them, I go to make dinner or something else. Sometimes I find that they've skipped the expectation and they're right on to doing what they want. Items that are examples are following through with getting ready for school, getting ready for bed. They have a checklist they use, hanging up their towel after the shower, dirty clothes going in the laundry bin, hanging up their towel after the shower, dirty clothes going in the laundry bin, unloading things from the car when you come inside, hanging up your coat, clearing your plate after meals, etc. This is such a great example.

Speaker 1:

I would guess that you know 90% of people who have kids in this age range are nodding their heads. Like I can relate to the challenge of all of those things. I have an eight and a half and 11 year old and I absolutely relate to these things. We struggle with many of them as well. So let me share some ideas on what I think can improve it.

Speaker 1:

First of all, I want to lean back on what I mentioned in the last episode, which episode 92, the topic of family meetings. So, first of all if you're not having family meetings yet. This is another reason to have them, which is that family meetings are a great space to involve the children in the solution. Eight and 10 year olds, all the way up through 18 year olds and down to, I would say, six year olds, can be involved in these conversations about you. Know, guys, I'm noticing this isn't working Sometimes. I've been clear about what we need to do, we've brainstormed on that together and yet I leave and you're distracted and you're not doing the thing. So what can we do to make that go better?

Speaker 1:

It can be easy in our brains to get judgmental, like he's just lazy, he just doesn't care, he just wants to piss me off. Even I've heard parents say I want to encourage you to try to resist that judgment and lean into a belief that truly is like I'm assuming that we're missing something here in order for this to be working, because you're an amazing kid, you're wise, you're wonderful, you are respectful, responsible, and so what do we need to do to help solve when things are distracting you? And those things could include kind of like consequences. Like do we need to make a plan that if you get distracted with something, we know we need to put that thing away for a week so it doesn't distract you during morning routine? You know it's like direct and it also is kind of a consequence. Or do we need to set timers that really keep you on track, that maybe a timer goes off every five minutes so that you know another five minutes has gone by, another five minutes has gone by, so that you don't too easily think, oh, I'll just do this thing in my bedroom of organizing all my shoes real quick, but then it takes away from you. Know you getting done what needs to get done on time?

Speaker 1:

One caveat I want to make here is, especially if you have a child with ADHD or ADD, that expecting them to do it on their own is absolutely not going to be realistic, that they need more you know, novelty, involvement, supervision, just because of their brain's inclination to get easily distracted. So let's be sure we're parenting the child we got, not the child we ought, trying to compare them to what others do, but instead working within what we know they're most capable of and supporting that as best we can. So involve them in the solution. Sit down at the table in your family meeting and say this isn't working. What can we do as a family system to make this better? Which brings me to part two. When I say what can we do, I also think that with our kids, they're often just hungry for our attention and time with us, and so if you're noticing often that they're getting distracted, sometimes that could be like their indirect way to pull you in for attention and rather than having the attention come to that negative behavior like every time they're goofing off, then you come in hot and you're like okay, do I have to do this with you or for you?

Speaker 1:

That's feeding more of that negative behavior. Let's try to flip-flop it and look for moments where they're maybe starting to do it or we prompt starting to do it with them and we come alongside and say, hey, let's do this together, let's make it fun, let's put on some Taylor Swift or let's put on our favorite music and let's like dance while we're doing. You know, picking up the towel from your shower this morning and getting you into your clothes that you've picked out for today, you know some playfulness. Let me grab my clothes and I'll come into your bedroom and we can get dressed together. Let me grab my curling iron and makeup and I can do that alongside you in this bathroom, you know? Are there ways we can do it together so that it's not just a slog of you need to militantly go do your thing while I'm doing my thing? Okay, so look for ways to do it together and bonus points if you can make it a little playful or fun, like I mentioned with music. I mean, our kids are still just kids.

Speaker 1:

I was just doing a workshop last night with parents and one of the parents so insightfully said you know, we were talking about why do kids misbehave, and we were giving some examples of how we order them around, like, just get your coat, pick up your shoes, go up to bed, stop whining, get your dish from the table, and it's like that. Ordering around, she said, doesn't feel fun and I was like, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of other things too. It feels condescending, it feels disempowering. Also, at a baseline, it doesn't feel fun. And if we can add some fun often, we can get a lot more cooperation. Episode 23, where I talked about five ways to infuse fun into your discipline and that means into your teachable moments, your moments you're trying to direct or redirect or correct what your child is doing. So episode 23 is a great way to add some more silly, playful, fun strategies there. Playful fun strategies there.

Speaker 1:

The third thing is look for motivators, then. How can they be more self-motivated, you know, first of all, we hope, by their own solutions. Second of all, we hope, by there being some relationship involved. And then, third of all, how can they be self-motivated by a external thing that is meaningful to them? A couple thoughts I have here. One thing we've been using in our family is a digital calendar, and there are many different examples of them. The one that we happen to be using is Skylight. I think Costco is carrying it during the holidays. I know it's on Amazon. I will provide a link in the show notes in case that's something you want to check out.

Speaker 1:

But this has been a game changer for us as what I call a third party bad guy. It's this list of the things that they need to do in the morning, and when the things are not getting done, I'm able to prompt like wait, check out your list, what are you missing? And when they do get them done, they go over and check it off and then it gives us like little confetti, like celebration at the end, when all the items are done. So we include, like morning chores of unloading the dishwasher, helping to vacuum around the kitchen, and we also include making lunch, practicing your piano, having your homework done, all of those types of things, and it really helps to be this external thing that I'm not the bad guy harping on them, but I'm able to give a nudge to the third party bad guy. I can see that there's still several items not checked on your list, and often that encourages them to just. They enjoy being able to check off the little things and show that it's clear and know that they've got it done.

Speaker 1:

Another piece tied to this, then, is tying privileges to those checklists. So when, yeah, you've got your jobs done in your bedroom, your room is clean, your towel's picked up, then you're absolutely welcome to play with friends after school. As this mom asked, what if you get distracted? You come back, you notice that they have not honored that and they have jumped to the privilege without getting the thing done. Then I strongly recommend a bigger outcome enforced. So and I lean into getting sad, not mad, like oh boy, this is a really big bummer, because you jumped on to the thing that wasn't supposed to be done until your privilege was done and you knew that we now are just not going to be able to have playtime with other friends after school for the next two days. I'm so sorry you chose that. It's just not going to be an option. I hope you'll make a different choice next time.

Speaker 1:

And one last thing I want to say here is also things that encourage kids to be self-motivated is holding them responsible to natural consequences, like if they forget something at home because they were not, you know, they were fooling around and not doing their morning tasks of getting their homework together. And they say, oh, mom, you know I forgot to grab my homework and can you bring it to school. And they say, oh, mom, you know I forgot to grab my homework and can you bring it to school. These are great natural consequence moments to say I'm sorry that you did not get to get your things together because you were, you know, playing with some other things and no, I am not available to bring that. And they get to learn from their own consequences.

Speaker 1:

I think of a moment that happened with my seven-year. That was really fabulous, teachable moment on this. At that time I was always being more responsible for getting her water, getting her dance shoes, and I was in that transition of trying to help her be more responsible, but she often was still leaning on me to do it and remind her did you get this, did you get that? And then one time we you know, I honestly forgot to remember with her and prompt her together.

Speaker 1:

We didn't bring her ballet shoes to her dance class, and it's like 15 minutes away so we could not go back and be on time to get the shoes, and so we were three quarters of the way there I realized we didn't have them and it was like, oh, bummer, okay, what are we going to do to pivot here?

Speaker 1:

And when we got there, there was like a bin of old ballet shoes that had been left behind and lost and found or things, and she was able to borrow a pair and wear them.

Speaker 1:

That wasn't her favorite, but it was a solution for the day.

Speaker 1:

And as she was upset, I continued to say during that you know time of getting the shoes on, and then afterwards like, yeah, man, I think I bet this will really be motivating you to make sure that you're getting those shoes and it's not just on mommy's shoulders, because I don't always remember. Let's work together and really that was such a pivot point that she, from that moment on, has been self-motivated and, like we're walking out the door, she is the one that has the items that she needs her water bottle, her shoes and she's been way more self-motivated on bringing them because she experienced how it felt to not have it and that was not fun. So, friend, I hope these three aspects can help your kids be more self-motivated in their responsibilities this week and if you need more support with that and growing more responsibility and respect in your home, please reach out. That's exactly what I love to do in both my individual coaching and group coaching programs, both of which you can find the information for at the bottom of the show notes. See you next time.