Sustainable Parenting

84. Tell your Kid WHERE they can Hit, Scratch and Scream

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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I tell clients it's OK to let their kid hit, scratch and scream....and here's why.
If you focus on telling your child NOT to feel their feelings in such a big way - they often just feel those feelings even MORE. 

Instead - today's episode will help you understand how, when and WHERE to allow your child to express their aggression or angry feelings.  And I promise you it still fits into our philosophy here at Sustainable Parenting - which focuses on using kindness and firmness at the SAME time.

As you listen in today, you will leave with:

Practical tools and strategies designed to empower you to handle parenting challenges with confidence and warmth.

If you’re eager to make parenting more sustainable and enjoyable, my transformation program offers further support, allowing you to implement these techniques effectively and ensure your children learn independently within a loving framework. 

Head over to https://sustainableparenting.com/mentor for more information or to schedule a clarity call with me. Let's take this journey together towards parenting with grace and structure, as we validate our children's emotions while maintaining healthy boundaries.

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

Hi, friends, you're listening to episode 83 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant. Mccormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant. Today we're talking about the phrase that I often tell my parenting coach clients, which is tell your child it is okay to hit, scratch and scream, and I'm going to tell you why I tell parents that in just a moment. First, I want to highlight a new review that came in on Google this week. That was from Annie, who said Flora is my go-to resource for parenting young children. I've recommended her to several friends and clients who wanted support through coaching sessions, and the Sustainable Parenting Podcast has been a godsend to parents who want practical advice on the go from someone who truly understands what it's like to care deeply about nurturing your children while maintaining healthy parent-child boundaries. Thank you so much, annie, and reach out if you hear this review being shared, as I have a bonus for you and we'll send it to you when you reach out. You can reach me at sustainableparentingcom or DM me in Facebook or Instagram under Sustainable Parenting. All right, friends, this topic you may be a little confused by. Like Flora, are you really telling me that you tell parents it's okay to tell their kid to? Now, today's topic may feel a little confusing, like, wait a minute, I thought you were all about boundaries and positive ways to be kind and firm, flora. How on earth would it fit within that model to tell your kid it's okay to hit, scratch and scream? Well, there is a very good reason for it, and I'm going to tell you right now.

Speaker 1:

This came up in parent coaching this last week with one of my clients who was a stay-at-home mom of three kids. She herself is a speech therapist, so very educated on many things related to child development, and yet she still found herself extremely frustrated with her middle son and often saying to herself like I don't understand why this is happening and what to do to make it better. She had, you know, I'll be honest, she had bought a parenting program online from another professional who I won't get into who that is, but it was in the gentle parenting orientation and and she was still drowning. She was so frustrated and she came to me literally on our first clarity call just in tears and saying I don't know how, know what I'm doing wrong. I'm doing what they're saying and it's. It's not changing things and I'm just more miserable and we're in more battles than ever before.

Speaker 1:

So as we started into our work, we got into all of the parts I teach at the CEO process. We started with the foundations of connection before correction. We do always start there with relationship. Then we started with building her tool belt on how we encourage cooperation and then we built her tool belt of how she has healthy ownership of the behavior being given more to her child and not in a way that's shame and blame, but that's just healthy ownership and accountability. And these three parts really came together this last week when we got on this topic of telling your kid it's okay to hit, scream and scratch. So now where this comes in the story she said to me, flora this week, it's like everything is really clicking. I am enjoying my kid again. I mean, I'm embarrassed to say but I was at this point of like I don't know if there's something wrong with me and I'm not supposed to be a stay-at-home mom because I don't like this. I'm starting to not like time with my child and now I things just clicked and we have had such a joyful weekend together and we've been having great days together. Of course there's still blips of upsets and power struggles, but it's nothing like it was before. And she said one pivotal thing that I use this week, flora, was that phrase. You've said that it is okay to hit, scratch and scream, and here's the context, so you understand.

Speaker 1:

I find that we often tell our kids to not do negative behaviors. Don't be so hateful and angry towards your sister. Don't you dare say that you wish that your brother was never born, or don't you dare, you know, get that angry about such a small thing and it doesn't work, right. I ask you, how's that been working out for you? I bet, if you reflect, it'd be like it's not and it just leads to them pushing more and us being more frustrated because we feel powerless, that our words or actions are not working. So when you reverse the directive and say you know what, you are welcome to be that angry. You are welcome to feel that sort of really rage towards your sister or brother. You are welcome to want to hit, scream and scratch. Where you can do that is in your bedroom, or where you can do that is taking a little break over here, or where you can do that is I'm going to pull the car over and get everyone else out and you just get all your screams and your kicks out. When you're done, we'll get back in the car and go on our way.

Speaker 1:

I find this is transformative for both the child and the parent Giving permission and even we use the word sometimes, like go for it, take as much time as you need One of my favorite phrases that I actually learned from my mother, who used to say it to me and in her 50 plus years of working with children actually gosh, let me think she's almost 80. Her 60 plus years of working with children as an elementary teacher and then afterschool program leader. Now in retirement she uses this again and again. It's like you need to do that. Go for it, take as much time as you need. In this space over here, where it's not going to be affecting anyone else, this does so many powerful things.

Speaker 1:

Friend Number one it teaches that all feelings are accepted. Certain actions must be limited. So if you were someone who tends to want to allow your kid to scream and hit in front of you because you're trying to make sure they know their feelings are okay, this is a better direction. Your feelings are okay, absolutely. Yet your actions must be limited. You are allowed to be rageful, want to scream, want to yell, and here's where you safely do it. It tells them their feelings are okay and yet it also preserves the relationship by holding a boundary that we are not going to break our relationship by letting you do that in my face, by letting you hit me, which I know in the end does not feel good to you to have been able to do towards your mother and your loved one. I don't ever want to build a relationship where hitting a loved one is any part of how they process their rage. Right, think about the long-term of that.

Speaker 1:

I remember another mother that I worked with who had a five-year-old who was hitting her and she would regularly try to correct it with things she had been learning in the gentle parenting world. And she said you know it hit me today. I said to my son if you hit me one more time, we're gonna. And she paused and it finally the light bulb went off in her mind. Why am I saying if you hit me one more time? Would I ever want my son's future partner to have to say that to him? Would I ever want a teacher to have to say that to him. Would I ever want a peer to have to say that to him? Absolutely not.

Speaker 1:

So we say you are allowed to hit, scream and bite or scratch whatever it is in your bedroom. All feelings are allowed. Certain actions must be limited. The location of the actions must be limited. Secondly, we really empower anger management tools and how to get out their feelings in positive, productive ways in that bedroom. It's not just about go be banished there, put your nose to the wall, feel shameful. It's like we.

Speaker 1:

I teach my clients how to help their kids have all the tools of what to do in that space. Let's practice what you're going to do when you come in here. Let's role play how you can scream into a pillow, squeeze a pillow. How you need to kick. You can lay on your bed and kick the heck out of the mattress with your feet. If you need to squeeze and kind of feel that like pressure in your hands, let's have a little bundle of scrap paper we can tear and we can crumble. We can throw. We can throw our stuffed animals. We can teach cathartic ways to get through those emotions, whether it's sad, mad, overwhelmed. We teach the replacement of what they do so that when they're in that space, it is a positive process of what we call reset, the positive process we call reset and friend. If you've been following me for a while, you know that that is what I suggest instead of the old school timeout pattern. And if you want to know more about the template of all the pieces of that, please check out episode 37, how to help a child reset instead of using a timeout.

Speaker 1:

And the last thing I want to say about this like allowing all feelings but limiting behavior with saying, yes, you're allowed to hit, bite, scratch, you can do it over in this area, this is where you're allowed to do it. Is that that's true for us as adults, right? I mean, I had a mother recently say I don't know that I want to tell my kid it's okay to scream or to say hateful things and I said I'm sorry, but in my perspective that's a reality of life and I'd rather give permission of how to channel it than somehow say you shouldn't be feeling this, which can lead to them feeling shameful or not knowing what else to do but continue negative behavior. So, like in my own world, I can admit there were times when my kids were really young where it'd be so overwhelming. All that went on in the morning to try to get them fed, get them dressed, get them in the car that by the time I finally got them in the garage, buckled and the car is running nice and warm and I'm inside, and they were small enough they couldn't get out of their car seats. I sometimes came back into the house and would just scream at the top of my lungs or say a bunch of swear words or say like, oh my gosh, stomp it out, you know something. Because the feeling was that big and I got it out in a safe way that did not affect them and then I could go back outside, get in the car, move on with my day and be my more wise, wonderful self. So, friend, I encourage you to consider trying this.

Speaker 1:

The client I was talking about at the beginning of the episode she said it's just been transformative that her child saying to him you know, you're allowed to do that. Just go on up to your room and when you're done, come on back. He is having so much better, so much better emotion regulation. He is going up to that space, he's getting his screams out and he is coming back down when he's ready and they're moving on in a loving, connected way and everyone is having a better time in the family because of it.

Speaker 1:

So this tool telling them yes, you're allowed to do it, go for it. Take as much time as you need. Let me teach you how to do that, where to do that. I hope it's another tool in your tool belt that helps you parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. So parenting finally feels sustainable and friend. If you aren't sure how to implement these things, you want to ask more questions. You really want to solve this as fast as possible. That's what I do in my transformation program. You can sign up without a call at my website, sustainableparentingcom slash mentor, or you can schedule a clarity call with me so we can make sure we talk it through and answer all your questions. Have a great week and I'll see you next time.