Sustainable Parenting
Are you tired of power struggles, whining, and tantrums with your kids? Does it seem no matter what you do, they just. won't. LISTEN?!
Friend, you are not alone. I have been there. And I can't wait to share with you the pathway to more joy and ease, getting kids to listen in a way that is still loving, kind and connected.
Welcome to Sustainable Parenting.
Here we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline, so you can parent with kindness and firmness at the same time.
In this podcast, we share simple transformational shifts, so you can finally be the calm, confident parent you always dreamed you'd be.
With my master’s degree in counseling, being a mom of 2 young kids, and 12 years of experience coaching and mentoring parents internationally, I have found the secrets to being a calm confident parent.
These 15 min. episodes will drop each Wednesday and boil down parenting theory and psychology into bite-size strategies that are easy to understand and implement, and for that reason...finally feel sustainable.
Sustainable Parenting
83. How to Save your “No’s”
Do you feel like you’re saying “no” too often?
In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, I'll share easy ways to save your “no’s” for when they really count.
After you finish listening, you'll discover:
- How to shift saying the opposite instead of a no.
- How using gentle language like “I notice” helps kids reflect on their choices.
- The power of saving “no” for important moments, making it more impactful.
Join me to learn how blending kindness and firmness can create a more connected and cooperative home!
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You're listening to episode 83 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant. Let's talk today about saving our nose and I don't mean the one on our face, I mean the N-O's, and I'm really looking forward to this topic because it was something that came up with my clients this last week and it was something I thought, oh, I've got to share this with my podcast community. Hello and welcome to the sustainable parenting podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. Today's listener of the week review comes from nicole 360, who said I love flora's quick and actionable podcasts. She has great info on parenting firm and kind. Nicole, I really appreciate that. And, folks as you listen, if this is a valuable space for you where you're getting tools that you're really able to use, I would so appreciate if you would leave a review by going to the bottom of the description of the episodes or the description of the podcast and you'll see there an area to mark the stars and leave a comment. It makes a huge impact on this show being able to be seen by others. Thanks, friend.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:All right now into this topic of saving our No's. This is a common area that we can fall into, like making our lives harder without even realizing it. So many parents, you know, frustrated with kids that are not behaving the way that they want to, will tell me my kid just won't listen and nothing I do seems to matter. And the first thing we start getting into is well, but how are we approaching that and how might we be inviting the resistance without even realizing it? So a couple ways that we might be inviting a no is, first of all, that we're saying a lot of no's. If we are saying a ton of no's throughout our day, like oh no, no, no, don't do that, oh no, please don't do that. Oh no, please don't touch that. Oh no, that is not how you treat the dog, or no, you cannot say that about your brother. The more we say no, the more we're going to hear no. So you may be saying but what do I say instead? I mean, I have to stop the child from pulling the dog's tail. From you know, saying that she hates her sister, from you know these various things that are not okay to touch or do, or say, yeah, there's a more clever way we can do it that's more effective, saves you a lot more energy and, honestly, is growing better long-term results in your child. So what are they? Let's talk about it.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:If you want to save your no's, one thing you can do instead is focus on saying the opposite. So every time you're about to say no, you're likely going to say honey, no, you cannot touch that. You can come over here and you can play with this other toy, but we cannot touch that. Or you can't say that about your sister. You should say this other thing and I've been working with a family that has a baby and a four-year-old and a six-year-old and the four-year-old's really six-year-old, and the four-year-old's really been struggling with these types of negative behaviors, really sassy in her attitude and can say often like you're a mean mom and this is a tool that we discussed is really super helpful is when the parents say, hey, that is disrespectful.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:You cannot speak to your mom that way. Try saying it this other way. It just invites the negativity and the resistance by focusing on that no first. So I coach them to let go of the no and just focus on the opposite. So the yes, focus on the yes. The yes in that moment is, boy, I can hear you're angry. Why don't you tell me mom, I'm super angry, I don't like what you're saying. So we can leave the no alone.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:Another opposite would be, if they're going towards a certain toy, they're not, or a piece of equipment or your phone that you don't want them to touch, just focus on what you do want them to play with or touch. Hey, let's come on over here. You can play with this thing that has buttons. You can play with this. Maybe you have an old phone or like a keyboard or a um. I remember a calculator used to be something I would give to my kids when they were younger, when they wanted something that had buttons to push. Hey, let's get out the calculator. So we just focus on the thing we are going to do. We don't need to say the no and then the yes. Just say the yes. Here's something we get out instead. Here's what you can say instead. Here's how we pet the dog gently. Instead, just focus on the yes.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:Secondly, if you want to save no's is you can focus on just using the words I notice. So if you're about to say oh no, no, no, no, don't touch the dog like that, that hurts him. You could say, oh goodness, I noticed that Benji is starting to squeal. Sounds like Benji doesn't like that. That hurts him. You could say, oh goodness, I noticed that Benji is starting to squeal. Sounds like Benji doesn't like that.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:I'm naming an observation and then pausing and giving a chance for the child to let the wheels turn in their own brain and think about what a positive response might be. First, or ooh, I notice sister doesn't like when you're climbing on her like that. I notice your voices are both getting very loud. I notice you guys are starting to get really rough with each other and often that leads to someone getting hurt, I notice.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:So our first two tools so far are to focus on the opposite, focus on the yes or use the word I notice, and in both of these instances you might notice, like I said, it's about uh. Well, in both of these instances you might notice that it engages the brain in a very different way to focus on the positive and to say I notice and then pause. It gets their brain working. It's a collaborative way of talking. It's a solution focused way of talking and that generally leads to more positive relationships, leads to the child feeling more empowered and leads to them being more able to think of solutions on their own instead of us always needing to provide that solution. So that's where the long-term results really come.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:In this family I just spoke about said, as they implemented these shifts, they were so shocked to see how much more positivity they saw in their daughter when they focused on the yes and they focused on re-scripting with what the child could say instead and they focused on the I notice with a kind and firm look.
Flora McCormick, LCPC:The child was so much more likely to come up with a solution shift her behavior than when they just started with a no. And last point I want to make here is why do we want to save our no's? Because there are times that a no is super important and the only thing that we want to say, and so if we save them for those most extreme moments, then they tend to have more power. Like they're about to run out into the street, of course, we're absolutely probably going to yell like oh my gosh, no, stop. That's not safe. So the more that we save our nose, the more impact they can have, and these are two clever ways to save those, and I hope it helps you this week, friend, to be able to use these and parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, so parenting finally feels sustainable.