81. The #1 Thing I Wish I’d Done Differently on Parenting

Do you have regrets in parenting?

Do you wish you could go back in time and do it over again?

This is the TOP thing I would change? If I could somehow invent a Time Machine. 

Join me, Flora McCormick, as we explore how this subtle shift can lead to more restful sleep cycles for your children and a calmer parenting experience for you.

Drawing from insights in "Raising Bebe," we compare parenting styles across cultures and discover the potential of the pause. If you're striving for balance between kindness and firmness, this episode promises to offer practical advice and personal anecdotes that can significantly alter your family's dynamics.

After you finish listening, you'll discover:

• The Importance of this 1 word that has the power to impact so many layers of parenting. 
• A space to reflect on what you’d love to shift. 

I hope this both empowers and equips you to be more calm and confident. 

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You're listening to episode 81 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed counselor, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant. Today, we're talking about the one thing I wish I had done differently in parenting and, let's be honest, there's more than one. Absolutely, I am not a perfect parent, definitely not a perfect person, but gosh, this one is so top of mind and as soon as I started doing this differently, it made so much of a difference. I was like why didn't I do this sooner? Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Speaker 1: 1:12

Before we get into our topic, I want to just highlight a couple of reviews of feedback that parenting coach clients have been sharing lately. One of my favorites is a parent saying I haven't seen our son do that defiant shouting of no that he used to do yes. And another mom said I gosh, I'm trying to think of any bad interactions to share from the last week and I can't even think of any. This is after she came saying God, it's our constant world of having just struggle and battles all the time. And God, it's our constant world of having just struggle and battles all the time. Lastly, a dad shared gosh. I love having the pressure off of feeling like I'm the bad guy and my wife is kind of coddling our kids. We haven't been having meltdowns from the girls in such a long time and we're working better as a team. Our night routine is like day and night difference from what it used to be and it's so much nicer for us to be working together. Remember, friend, if these are the types of results you'd like and you want some assistance to get there as fast as possible, reach out. I have a clarity call link in the episode description and would love to meet with you. Okay, so you're wondering what is it, flora, that you wish you had done differently? It comes down to one word, friend, and it is pause. Oh, I wish I could have mastered the essence of pause so much sooner in my parenting.

Speaker 1: 2:46

I was just visiting a preschool where I'm doing some early childhood mental health consultation, and I was talking in the baby room with a teacher about how hard this is for a lot of parents, especially in that baby phase. I was told by a mentor of mine in grad school that the longer a baby cries the first year of life, the longer, the more they'll cry the rest of their life. Something like that, or maybe that's not even what she said, but somehow that's what I heard. And so when my son, my firstborn, was a baby he was a baby. I took that to heart and I did not ever want him to cry and he cried so much. I worked so hard to try to get him not to cry and of course we generally do as moms but like instances that it wasn't helpful, like he was only a very short napper, a 45 minute napper, and I read later that if a child wakes up crying after only 45 minutes, that's usually just one sleep cycle. This is obviously when they're a couple months old and that they often, if you can pause, maybe wait three to five minutes, they often will kind of cry themselves back to sleep and get a whole nother sleep cycle. When you don't pause, you wake them up. They're crabby, they're cranky and they didn't really sleep enough. And that's what I did. I thought it was my job. I literally would run up the stairs when I started hearing him crying from a nap even though it was like short and he hadn't gotten enough sleep, and then I'd get him thinking I was doing the right thing.

Speaker 1: 4:22

And the power of pause If you haven't read, there's a book called Raising Bebe about how French families raise kids differently than Americans, and this is one of the best pieces. Of course, I didn't get to read this till my child was like three and I was on to the next baby, but it was like whoa okay, the power of pause that in France they're so much better at understanding that a child is learning its way through how to settle back to sleep or learning its way how to settle if you're not immediately able to pick them up because you're cooking dinner or something that if you can do a little more of the pause not rushing to stop that cry with immediate picking up, immediately thinking we have to fix it the child learns more of their own self-soothing, more of what we call kind of the struggle muscle that I can be uncomfortable and I can move through it and things can get better. And then you know, carrying on. This has been true as my kids got older being able in that moment when they are upset or snapping at me and saying what I should do differently or get for them immediately you know, kind of following off of last episode of demanding children them immediately, you know, kind of following off of last episode of demanding children when I can use the power of pause. Oh my gosh, what a difference in my like wisdom that comes out or my effectiveness in how I handle that moment, whether that looks like just not talking for a sec almost. I see like that little like Beetlejuice zipper go across my mouth. I just was watching the old Beetlejuice recently and like that zipper across the mouth that just shows up on one of the scenes it's like I picture that. Just stop for a sec, flora, take a breath, look inward and choose how you're going to respond here with a little pause. It often sometimes also just stops them in their tracks. Like with that pause I might be kind of giving a look and it's like they're like self-correct sometimes like oh, oh, yeah, and they'll handle it differently or say it nicer to me. So the power of pause has become such an impactful strategy that, friend, if you could do it sooner than I did, soon to figure it out sooner than I did, I think you would just see so much positivity.

Speaker 1: 7:00

Pause when you want to jump in and fix it. Pause when you want to snap back. Pause when you want to jump in and fix it. Pause when you want to snap back. Pause when you want to do something impulsive and threaten to cancel Christmas Pause. Take a breath.

Speaker 1: 7:17

And this is the single most powerful tool that, when parents tell me God, I just wish I could be more patient, I don't know how to. This is one of those. Like chicken or egg, do you need to be more patient to be able to pause? Or can you try to step into a like template or recipe of pause and all of a sudden you're like whoa, I'm that patient mom. So I think it goes both directions. The actions can lead us to the emotion. We don't always have to have the emotion first to be able to do the action. All right, friends, this is my little tidbit for you this week, and I hope that it serves you in being able to be the calm, confident parent you always wanted to be. And as you use these tools of kindness and firmness at the same time, parenting finally feels sustainable. See you next week.