80. Handling Demanding Behavior in Kids

Are you frustrated when your child is demanding?

Does it seem that day-by-day he is employing more 'tiny terrorist' tactics to get what he wants?

This episode equips you with practical strategies to reinforce positive behaviors and ensure your actions speak louder than words. Through anecdotes and simple strategies, we'll explore how to break free from the cycle of feeling powerless in the face of a demanding child.

After you finish listening, you'll know:

• Why being mindful in your response to your child's demands helps prevent reinforcing negative behavior.
• How to guide your child in expressing their needs in a more polite way. 
• How to balance kindness and firmness, helping your child feel supported while setting boundaries.

If you're seeking a more balanced and peaceful parenting approach, this episode offers the tools you need to redefine your family's dynamics and foster a sustainably nurturing environment.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

You're listening to Episode 80, friend of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant. Today we're talking about how to end cycles where your kid is very demanding and entitled. And, friend, I can't wait to get into this because this is so big and prevalent and it's like I think of that. We used to live in this world where we had powerful adults and powerless children and in some ways, we currently live in a world with powerful adults or, excuse me, powerful children and powerless adults. We don't want to flip from one bad situation to another, so let's get into this. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:52

Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. First of all, I want to make sure and stop and recognize what one family said about how they came more into a space of having boundaries along with their love, and not feeling like they were being pushovers or being controlled by their kid anymore. Before joining, my other half and I were on the opposite page with parenting. I wanted to be gentle parent with boundaries, but he was all about punishing and not connecting. It was often a fight until we met Flora. Since then, we're not only on the same page but our parenting is balanced understanding our children, yet setting important boundaries. Parenting has become less stressful. If this is something you'd like more for your family and you're not sure how to get there, make sure to connect with me after you listen to the episode by going to the show notes and finding the connection link there. Also, if you haven't yet left a review, please do so. It really makes a huge difference for this podcast if you would share what you enjoy about it, if you would share what you enjoy about it.

Speaker 1: 2:33

Now to this topic of how to respond to demanding kids that are kind of being tiny terrorists. Don't get me wrong. I do not mean your child is a terrorist, but I do mean they can get into sort of terrorist strategies where they are demanding or being sharp or even threatening. They're not going to do what you're saying. They're going to do X, y and Z if you try to hold a boundary with them. Have you been there? I certainly talk to parents each week that are in this situation that say they're super frustrated, that they feel like their kid holds all the power, that they're at the whim to how he is going to feel on a particular day, and if it's going great, then everyone's great. But if he decides that that's not how he wants life to go, that it's just a nightmare for everyone, and so let's make a change. The first thing I want you to think about if you have a demanding child is don't let the demands work. I was talking to a family this week who has a five-year-old when they said oh, he just was so difficult at bedtime. He's yelling down from upstairs screaming get me a cup of water, I need water, and they're saying to me. So we had to go up there and we told him don't you talk to us that way. We got in the water, but we told him you do not talk this way and I said oh wait, what? No, hold on a second.

Speaker 1: 3:55

Our actions always speak louder than our words. If he was being demanding and he got what he wanted, what you are enforcing more of that behavior, and I know that's not what you want to be enforcing and seeing more of. So please, friends, first of all, if they're being demanding, you don't have to give them the thing. I remember another family years ago telling me but what do you do when they're just like, they're so rushed and like I need this popsicle, I need it right now. I want the. You know, I want the red one. Please get the red one. I'm like don't get the red one. That's that simple. I don't mean this in a condescending way, but it's that simple. If they are using terrorist strategies, we do not negotiate with a terrorist. We can ask them to try again and if they're able to ask in a respectful, responsible way and it works within what's possible in that moment, then absolutely. But your actions will always speak louder than your words. If it's not the way you want them asking, it's not the demand that is appropriate. Do not give them the thing. Demand that is appropriate, do not give them the thing. First rule. Second key rule is let's look at re-scripting.

Speaker 1: 5:18

So often this demanding behavior is just a developmentally immature way of expressing a super rational need. So I just did this with my daughter this week. We were going into Target and she was like mom get me a this, I don't. We were going into Target and she was like mom, get me a this. I don't even remember what it was and I was like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's try that again. And she was like oh, I meant I need socks, can we get some socks please? And we did. And at eight she's able to do that with just a small prompt of, and at eight she's able to do that with just a small prompt of hold on, try that again.

Speaker 1: 5:52

Because previously we've also worked on giving a more specific script. So if you don't think your child would immediately know the script to say that's more polite, then that's what we need to cover. So they say get me this. You're like whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, let's try that again. I think what you meant was dot, dot, dot, insert the more correct behavior. I think what you meant was hey, mom, I need out of socks. Could we get some while we're here? Could you try that?

Speaker 1: 6:21

And if the child's able to, you know re-script and say it politely, great, we can work with that. It doesn't mean you have to give the thing just because they asked politely. If they're like I really want candy and you're like try that again. They're like please, can I have some candy? And still, that's not on your agenda. You can use the I love you and the answer is no. I love that you're able to tell me that with a respectful big girl voice. And on this trip we're just getting getting you know the nail clippers and plant food that we're missing, whatever the thing may be okay. So two main tools to be helping these demanding little ones first, do not give them what they're asking for with that demand and work on re-scripting to be teaching the replacement side note.

Speaker 1: 7:10

This goes along with my red light, green light concept that I teach within my four-month parent coaching program, and that's one key tool. That is this idea. Every time we're giving a no, a limit, we want to also be giving a green light. That's the red light. Sorry, a limit or a no. We want to also be giving the green light. What it can may do instead to manage this moment better. All right, this is my quick, down and dirty tip for you this week on the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. As always, I hope this helps you parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, so that parenting can finally feel sustainable. See you next week, friend.