Sustainable Parenting

79. How to Get on the Same Page - Parenting Together With Kindness & Firmness.

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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When 1 parent is overly gentle, and the other parent is overly authoritative, there can easily be conflict and confusion in your home.
 
Join me with my special guest - my husband!  Today Dr. Gabe McCormick and I will share how "I love you and the answer is no" became a cornerstone in our journey towards more balanced and effective parenting. 

With this key phrase, Gabe shares how he learned to lead with more connection, and I learned how to end with more clear limits.  I hope as you use this key phrase, it will help you and your partner to parent with kindness with firmness at the SAME time.

🌟By the time you finish listening, you'll know:🌟

  • The art of setting boundaries without sacrificing love and connection. 


  • Strategies to reduce conflicts and strengthen teamwork with your parenting partner by finding that elusive middle ground. 


  • How to be sure you aren't being overly soft and instead holding boundaries alongside your wonderful validation of feelings.


We hope this conversation inspires you to reimagine your parenting approach and find harmony in your own family dynamics.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Speaker 1:

You're listening to episode 79 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with a special guest, my husband. So today it's Floor McCormick, and Gabe McCormick.

Speaker 1:

And we want to talk today about the single most important phrase that has really made a difference for us to be on the same page. So if you get in that place where maybe one of you is more kind and one of you is more firm, then we think this one phrase can really really help you get more on the same page. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable.

Speaker 1:

Welcome, let's dive into this topic. And so I think often stereotypically not always the case, but like dads tend to be more focused on respect and wanting kids to like, respect their authority and just do what they say. When they say so, moms tend to lean a little bit more towards. I want to make sure they're emotionally validated and supportive, and there are good sides to both of those things, but sometimes we can fall overly like focused on our one side, and it gets imbalanced and you're battling with each other and it's usually doesn't lead to great results with the kids.

Speaker 2:

And then you're both kind of on different pages with parenting tactics which can make you kind of not get along very well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and would you say in our own relationship when our kids were younger, especially our first, like I, was more focused on really doing all the emotional support. I mean I'm a therapist, right, and I would like be leaning really heavily that way and I think sometimes that would pull you to want to lean heavier. The other way to balance things out Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know I had a bit more of a just like do what I say thing. I guess I don't think it was like extreme, but the more you leaned into the feelings, talking about feelings for hours, for so long, this kid that was not behaving. Yeah, then it makes me want to go even further the other way, and we've seen that with lots of our friends as well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So this one phrase, I think, has really helped both of us pull more towards middle, and the phrase comes from positive discipline and hear us out of how we're going to describe it. But the simplicity is that it is I love you and the answer is no. And here's the thing for that side, that person that's more on the overly firm, there's growth for you to do more on the I love you side I love you and. And for the other person like me that is more wanting to talk about feelings Always, there's probably some room for growth on the and the answer is no side.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so I love you and the answer is no one of us has room for how you start, and one of us has room for how you end yes, so talk about your side.

Speaker 1:

what, what? Where have you noticed that be true that it works better when you can add in the beginning of I love you before yeah.

Speaker 2:

Just like a moment to connect before you ask your your little one to do some things. Seems it made a big difference for us, the yeah, just kind of this, I don't know demanding let's go do this, let's go do this.

Speaker 2:

Stop doing that, why are you not doing this? Yeah, I mean, that can get tiresome as well, you know, and and it doesn't work. No, it doesn't always. None of this always works. Um, and yeah, and then I mean, like I said, I would lean into that more when, especially when, when I wasn't feeling like the other way was working, the connection side was working. So kind of coming to the middle of that and being able to just like take a minute before you start asking your kid to do something and maybe understanding a little bit more where they're at, even though they're little, tiny ones and sometimes it doesn't feel like you should need to do that was a big help.

Speaker 2:

One of the moments for me that was like a big turnaround in that is, I decided to, uh, take my little boy to a high school basketball game. He had been asking me to go. I didn't want him to go. Um, the high school was really close to our house. We walked over there, uh, or actually we drove over there, got to the game, um, started to go inside. Um, I realized I forgot my wallet in the truck once we had gotten to the door. So I was like, oh, let's just run back to the truck. You know two second run over the truck and we did. He's having fun. He's like, yeah, let's go in, let's go in. We get over the truck, we start to come back and he just like starts kind of losing his mind, like a bit more authoritarian lately with him because he was driving me crazy, uh, and was like come on, let's go. We were just like here, what's like what is happening, let's go. And you know probably a situation where I would have just kind of drug them into the place.

Speaker 1:

You just start with coaxing and then it gets in a little more.

Speaker 2:

No big deal, buddy, like, let's, let's make it happen. Um, I can get a bit short, uh and uh.

Speaker 2:

Anyway, we've been talking about this thing lately, so it's like okay, let's do it's not one minute left, so finish what you can, let's do, um, I was like, oh, listen, you know, so I've got to do this connection connect thing first before we do this.

Speaker 2:

So I just got down. I was like, give me a hug, buddy. And we just had this long hug and and he, would you know, so I've got to do this connection connect thing first before we do this. So I just got down and like, give me a hug, buddy. And we just had this long hug and and he, you know, he was kind of upset, and then we did that, and then he's just like dad, I was just scared there was like too many people in there and it got overwhelmed when he had to go back to the truck, or however, he said it and I was like, oh okay, um, do you want to go in now? And he's like, yeah, let's go. So it just like took me, like it was going to just be a battle, me trying to drag him over there, and instead just took a second to connect, asking what was going on, and then he came. It was great, we had a great time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So such a good example. And I mean I've seen you also use it in different ways of just any sense. When you're about to say the thing you would normally say, anyways, like come sense. When you're about to say the thing you would normally say, anyways, like come on up, for you know, come on in from playing football, or let's get up to brush our teeth. Like when you take that little extra second to connect first to whatever they're doing, like oh wow, show me what you're doing, oh, it's been cool to see you guys out there, um, and then asking him to do the thing, it seems to go better yeah, even like if he's playing video games or something and I need him to go and instead of just saying, caleb, let's go, you know, yelling at him or whatever um, just saying like, hey, look at me, bud.

Speaker 2:

And then like pause and look at you for a sec. I know you're having fun, that's awesome, but we like we gotta go yes, yeah, perfect example.

Speaker 1:

Okay, then, on my side, being the person that's overly kind at times, I can definitely validate that it's helped to have this phrase I love you. And the answer is no in terms of that end part, that needs to be added on. So I'm great at the I love you. Oh, I know that you're feeling this and this is hard, but sometimes I forget that it's also time to say like and here's the boundary, I am not going to do this forever Like just sitting here, like I love you and it's now time to go.

Speaker 1:

So I think one of the key places I've used this a lot too is like when we're trying to get out the door or trying to do bedtime, and I tend to have my heartstrings pulled like, oh, they want to spend time with me before school, or oh, they're wanting to connect and it's bedtime. I like, oh, they want to spend time with me before school, or oh, they're wanting to connect and it's bedtime. I don't want to say no, but remembering this phrase has helped me to get better at like doing a certain amount whatever. That is, three to five minutes or what I feel like is some amount of a hug and connection, reading a book and then reminding myself it's okay to have a line there. Like I told you, we were doing three books. We did the three books, we are done. I can love them and hold that boundary where I think in the past like I used to struggle with that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and that was I mean just like the day to day, middle of the day, kid not listening, doing things whatever and it just felt to me like you were just like doing this, like extensive, like oh my god, we're just still doing this, talking to them about their behavior and like whatever, how they feel and whatnot, and not moving on yeah, so that I love you and the answer is no helps me to do better at the moving on.

Speaker 1:

Have a line you know, don't give 17 reminders but I'm going to give one reminder, and if you're having a hard time, but I'm going to give one reminder and if you're having a hard time with that, I'm going to connect to your feelings and have a limit of on that before we then move on. So this has definitely helped the two of us to battle less and be more better partners, backing each other up, I'd say so. I hope this helps you as well. If you've been with, if you have a partner where you guys tend to be on opposite ends here, experiment this week with how it is for both of you to lean more into center with the phrase I love you and the answer is no. And, as always, I hope this helps you to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, so parenting finally feels sustainable. Thanks for joining me, gabe. You're welcome.