Sustainable Parenting

78. How to Stop Toddler Hitting

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Do you get frustrated and confused by your toddlers hitting?

With all the research are you left feeling more confused by all the different advice?
Today, my hope is to simplify the best evidence-based strategies into a "Green light" and "red light" template.

After you finish listening, you'll know:

  • Why kids hit.
  • What to do instead of lectures and punishment.
  • How to respond with kindness and firmness at the same time.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Speaker 1:

You're listening to episode 78 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach of over 15 years and early childhood mental health consultant. Friends, I'm so glad you're here as we're going to dive into how to stop a toddler from hitting, and know that our key tools we're going to dive into today I call the red light and the green light, so stick with me all the way to the end, so you know both parts of the red light and the green light related to when kids are hitting, and this is a very big topic that I am seeing a lot, a lot more than I used to, and I think that there are some approaches out there that are making it worse, not better, and so I'm really hopeful today that we can collaboratively move into a space of thinking about how important kindness and firmness really really is on this topic. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable Welcome. And before we dive in, I want to share a quick review from Ashley, who shared her testimonial of working in parent coaching.

Speaker 1:

I felt so out of control with my rambunctious boy and new baby coaching. I felt so out of control with my rambunctious boy, a new baby, and I'm so glad I found Flora. I didn't know what to do with my toddler. I had called a bunch of counselors and they were all booked. I called my doctor, anxious, feeling like a terrible mom, knowing that I needed someone familiar with parenting. She said medicine would be the best approach, but I was not wanting to medicate my toddler. So I'm so glad that I found Flora and in our work together he is no longer hitting and biting and I feel more calm as a mom. Thanks so much, ashley. Remember friends. If you'd like follow up at any point after these episodes, feel free to contact me via the link in the show description or show notes.

Speaker 1:

All right, today we're talking about this how to specifically help with hitting, but it also could be biting, scratching, clawing, grabbing things. It's impulsive behavior, demonstrating something that's going on for the child. And I say something that's going on because it doesn't always have to be that it's anger, sometimes, like my daughter when she was two, actually started biting out of excitement. She was like this little puppy dog. She would just, she just want to bite into you with excitement.

Speaker 1:

Some kids start biting out of anger. It's their way to say, oh, I'm really mad. Or start hitting out of anger. But sometimes hitting is out of curiosity. I just was visiting a preschool this morning and watched a video yesterday of two separate girls that are both three years old who have been hitting out of this. You watch them and it's this curiosity. It's like a way they're trying to connect with a peer. Their arms just almost reach out, as though if their voice could say it'd be hey, I'm interested in you. And not knowing yet how to do that with their voice, they're doing it with their bodies and so they're reaching out and grabbing or pulling or hitting, but it's not out of anger, it's a desire for connection.

Speaker 1:

So the first thing I want you to think about with your child that might be hitting or doing something else physically aggressive is what do we? You know, let's make sure that we're being curious, not furious. Of course it makes us furious because it's either embarrassing or upsetting. They're doing it to our dog or to a sibling. Of course that's upsetting, but if we stay in that upset, we are not going to get anywhere moving forward. We stay in that upset, we are not going to get anywhere moving forward. We need to get curious.

Speaker 1:

No-transcript. We know in child psychology that all behavior is communication. So what is this behavior communicating? Is it anger? Is it curiosity? And if so, then once we've named what we think this is about, we're then going to take the wise perspective that this is the child's immature way of trying to manage a very reasonable need or feeling. It's their immature way of trying to manage a very appropriate need or feeling. So what are they missing? They're missing the tools to handle it more appropriately, more maturely. And how do we get there? Not just by consequences, but first, always by teaching.

Speaker 1:

I want to think about the red light and the green light for this. Hitting First of all the green light. We always, always, always want to start, especially the younger the kids are, when they're under, you know, two to 12, that first of all, when they are doing something inappropriate, we have the assumption that they're just lacking the skills to do it differently. So let's teach the skills to do it differently. If it's this little girl who's wanting to reach out to make a friend, then I want to teach this little girl how to make a friend. Hey, honey, let's talk about how we can say are you open to a hug? The educating school that I'm working for that's the phrasing that they're using. I just love their wording Are you open to a hug? And these little ones, three and four-year-olds, are able to respond to her, understanding what that means and saying either yes or no. Is it that they're not knowing how to handle their anger? Let's teach replacements. When you're angry, you can hold your hand up and say stop please. Or you can say mine, if it's that they're upset that someone's taking something from them, or you can walk away, or you can come over to an adult for help. So let's teach the replacement.

Speaker 1:

And after we teach it, we want to do a series I call teach practice praise, always looking for how do we teach the new concept. And then, especially with our young kids, we got to practice it. We got to role play. Put yourself first in the spot of the child, saying, okay, I'm really excited and I'm wanting to bite. Let me, you know, squeeze my fists and say yay instead and demonstrate that, and then maybe you demonstrate it with their stuffed animal and then you see if they want to demonstrate it. So practice, practice. Same thing with anger, same thing with how to make a friend teach it, then practice it. I always say it's like think about if you were wanting your kid to do well at making a goal in soccer. You would not explain it once. And then maybe practice once and think okay, I think you got this right. Of course, not Like we would get out there daily or a couple times a week and be kicking that ball around and practicing what it feels like to shoot at the goal. So do the same thing.

Speaker 1:

Think about what this skill is that your child's really needing to learn to more appropriately meet their need or manage their feeling. And let's practice, practice, practice. Look for times where you're angry, when someone makes you frustrated in school pickup line and you're about to just be like ah or honk the horn. See if you can demonstrate. Boy, I am mad, I'm going to squeeze my fist, I'm going to take a deep breath. That's practicing, maybe while you're driving the child to daycare or to a friend play date or to drop them off for, you know an outing with grandparents. Talk through and practice. Okay, let's say you're getting frustrated. What are some of the things you can do? Let's do it with our body. Let's squeeze our fists while we breathe in and take a breath out, while we then relax. So practice, practice, practice, teach practice. And then praise is the last piece that I think is really important on this green light Teach the replacement, practice it and anytime possible that you see them handle things in a better way, try to catch it.

Speaker 1:

You see them handle things in a better way? Ooh, try to catch it. I remember one time when I was teaching my daughter how to be able to interrupt me and instead of coming over and just hitting or tapping on me, I was teaching her the interrupting hand. Put your hand here on my leg and I'll put my hand on top and then I'll finish what I'm doing for a second. Then I'll address you and say, oh, yes, how can I help you? And you know, of course, that was important in a specific moment. We practice it.

Speaker 1:

But then it was hard that when life was going on and on and she came over and put her hand on my leg you know it was my first instinct wanted to be like oh honey, just you know, like, please don't pull on my pants. And then it took my mind a second to go. Oh wait, she's using the skill. Notice it, praise it. Oh, eva, thank you, you use the interrupting hand to get my attention. Wow, nice job, thank you.

Speaker 1:

So teach it, practice and then praise when you can catch that they're using that skill.

Speaker 1:

That's all the green light side. Then we need to be clear about the red light side. So the red light side is honey. And let me just be clear though if you are hitting, we are going to just take a little pause. So that might be, if they're up in your arms and they swat at your face, you just put them down at your feet and you just kind of disengage for about 30 seconds with little ones. Or if you need to help them to a little spot on the couch or a spot on your lowest stair or, if need be, it could be into their room.

Speaker 1:

But all of those appropriate and there are many ways you can do this that are not punitive, they are not the old school timeout and, if you're curious, like wanting to know more about how to do this process, that is not timeout oriented, shame based in any way, then I really encourage you to check out episode 37. That is how to help a child reset instead of using timeout Episode 37. Okay, friends, so these are my two main tools for you today to how to stop a child from hitting. These two pieces in conjunction the red light and the green light can really transform a child who is hitting to a child who has more mature strategies, like using their words or using their actions in a different way to get out their feelings. And, once again, I hope this is a tool that helps you to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable.