Sustainable Parenting

76. Avoid Living by The Satanic Rule

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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What is the Satanic rule, and how on earth does it seep into our parenting????!

Yep! That’s what we are covering today.  And even better - we are covering the simple steps to change this pattern.  

Shift gears with us as we uncover the secrets to building strong connections with your children through kind parenting. From the power of six daily positive interactions to engaging in your child's world without judgment, learn practical strategies that foster meaningful connections and break negative cycles. Embrace your role as a wise and balanced authority, ensuring that love and relationship-building are at the core of your parenting. For further insights and ongoing support, connect with me on social media, and let's continue this journey toward more effective and fulfilling parenting.

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Speaker 1:

You're listening to Episode 76 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach and early childhood mental health consultant, and we're talking today about how to make sure we're not parenting by the satanic rule. Let's dive in, friends. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. So this topic is so appropriate as we're going into the spooky holiday season, but it also has a very important point that I want you to hear, as a therapist who works with many families as a therapist who has also worked with many children ages eight through 18, and seeing how this can fall into families, people without realizing it living by the satanic rule very well-meaning, amazing, wonderful families. So stick with me, friends, so that you can learn what this rule is, how you might be falling into it and how to make a change very quickly and easily, so that you are having the opposite effect and making sure to be the calm, confident parent you want to be. So let's start with what is the satanic rule? I was just in a workshop where I learned this from one of my favorite mentors, john Summers Flanagan, as I attended his workshop from the University of Montana, and he shared that a parent once told him well, I live by the satanic rule. Which he was confused and said what is that by the satanic rule? Which he was confused and said what is that? And she said it just means you know, I treat others as I was treated, different than the golden rule, which is treat others as you would want to be treated. The satanic rule is treating others as you have been treated. And we can fall into this without meaning to and really cause damage in our families that we do not intend to be causing. And trust me, friend, there is an easy step out of it. So this is not about shame or blame or guilt. Step out of it. So this is not about shame or blame or guilt. This is about identifying a problem and identifying the steps to solve that problem. So the ways you maybe have fallen into this is one.

Speaker 1:

Perhaps your child has been really difficult in their behaviors pushing boundaries, doing things that feel like they have no empathy, even to the level of thinking like they like intentionally to hurt their siblings or classmates or even you, whether that may be physically or emotionally. And when that's happening with a child and you don't have appropriate strategies to know how to notice what that's truly about, discover what's underneath that, understand what's developmentally happening there, it can be easy to get very defensive and think, well, if he's not going to be nice to me, I'm not going to be nice to him. Or start digging your heels in and saying, well, the more that he is rude to me, like I'm not going to treat him with respect. You know he's telling me he wants all of these privileges or you're telling me that I'm supposed to stop and validate his feelings, but he isn't treating anyone else good enough to earn or deserve anything like that from me. Have you heard these kind of words come out of either your mouth or your partner's mouth? If they have, again I want to validate that it is human and totally makes sense that you can end up in that place. You can get very angry with your child because of them not treating you in a way that you believe they should be.

Speaker 1:

And yet, if we live by that satanic rule, well, I'm not going to give him anything that he hasn't given to me. I'm going to treat him how he has treated me. If he's going to yell at me, I'm going to yell back. If he's going to tell me no, I'm going to dig my heels in stronger and be like I am going to show you I can be more defiant and controlling than you're trying to be. But, friend, what are the outcomes of that? We know from deep research for years and years with children over the last hundred plus years that when we try to parent in a way that just focuses on authority and on we're never going to give them anything they haven't first given us, that we get the results of resentment, rebellion or sneaky behavior. Resentment, rebellion or sneaky behavior are the results if we just try to be overly authoritarian, saying I'm not going to give him anything he hasn't first given me. Let's take a breath, just hear me out to the end here.

Speaker 1:

So what I want to suggest to you is that the road out simply is about acknowledging that the opposite action is way more powerful and the actual, real road to get to your result. Your result is you're wanting your child to be respectful and guess what? They develop respect when we parent in ways that first lead with respect, even when they're not showing it first, and that we take our approach as being the wise authority, the CEO, the loving authority in the family that is going to understand. This is a child who just landed on the planet two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago, and it's my job to notice when they're not being respectful, understand developmentally what that's about and what's missing and what's needed, and guide them in a kind and firm way with both teaching replacement behaviors and holding boundaries on their negative behaviors. Having results, outcomes, ownership. I like all of those words way more than punishment results, outcomes, ownership. That really shows that there are boundaries and that you also understand. You're the teacher here, you're not the prison warden, and actually I laugh as I say that because my father-in-law was the prison warden and he actually even shared with me that in his work in corrections he got a lot of accolades for finding unique ways to be sure to be the teacher, even with those inmates that were showing negative behaviors. Even in prison, it is shown to be more effective that you see yourself as the leader, as the one who is going to give the example of teaching them the replacement behavior, while also acknowledging and holding boundaries that they got way better results with inmates in those situations than they did if they just tried to be authoritative. Okay, Then they did. If they just tried to be authoritarian and saying again to the prisoners I'm not going to give you anything you haven't first given me.

Speaker 1:

My sister also works with challenging teenagers in Portland area of Oregon and says this happens all the time with her own students too. She's been getting accolades for making connections and seeing way more success with these challenging youth that have chosen to go to an alternative high school or maybe have been asked to go to the alternative high school, and in this alternative high school she's able to see way better results in change where the children are being more respectful and responsible. When she goes by the golden rule instead of the satanic rule, instead of I'm never going to give you anything you don't first give me, she's able to say you know, when you show me behaviors that are not very appropriate, I'm going to respond with compassion and leadership. What does that look like? That's things like you know. Her saying hey, jason, can you please put your phone away and he says back F you screw, you shut up. And she doesn't lead with just hey, don't you treat me that way, but leads with you know it sounds like you're very upset and you didn't like with just hey, don't you treat me that way, but leads with you know it sounds like you're very upset and you didn't like how I asked that or you're not liking that. It's time to put your phone away. I appreciate you letting me know that. I want you to be able to let me know. Would super appreciate next time if you can just say hey, teacher, can I have two more minutes? Okay, thank you. Such a different result when she's able to do that.

Speaker 1:

And I've seen this in my own life with my son. There was a time where he was just being such a pill. New baby had come, sister was here, he was a three-year-old being a three-year-old, just so much testing and negative behavior and doing things that seem so naughty and disrespectful. And I did try the approach first like gosh, well, I am not going to start being more connected with you until you first pull it together and choose better behavior, and that didn't get us anywhere. And then eventually it dawned on me wait a minute. I got to remember I don't want to live by that rule. I want to live by the golden rule of treating him first how I would want to be treated, and that looked like connecting and I started to dig us out of this hole we had gotten in, relationally and behaviorally, by noticing every time he did something that was positive, every time he did something that was positive, and commenting way less or in a very boring way if I had to make a correction, and then also looking for ways to have six connections a day.

Speaker 1:

If you haven't heard me say this before, it's one of my favorite strategies with difficult behaviors going on is to give yourself a prescription of six connections a day, whether that be a long airport hug, a moment where you actually look in their eyes and just really listen to whatever they have to say or talk to you about.

Speaker 1:

Coming alongside, whatever it is that they're doing, if that's coloring or playing basketball, building Legos just coming alongside and interacting with them on it without any guidance or correction, just being with or looking for ways to do things together, like if they're making a lot of negative choices over trying to play near their sister, pulling them over and saying, hey, I'd love your help with dinner and giving him a salad spinner and a way to feel involved and useful.

Speaker 1:

Leading with that treating him first how I would want to be treated led to way better results. Inch by inch, day by day, we started to get out of this negative spiral we had been stuck in. So, friend, if you have been caught up in the satanic rule, without realizing it, getting really wrapped up in that, today's the day to step out of it and say you know what? I'm going to learn to be the leader, the loving leader, that is teaching the replacement behaviors we're missing, and that's keeping relationship and love at the forefront, because I know that's going to lead to way better results. And if you have questions about this, I would love to talk with you about it. You can always reach me in DM, on Facebook or Instagram, laura McCormick, or Sustainable Parenting. For now, friend, let this be another week. You parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable.