73. The Secret to Less Anger

What if I told you that you DON'T need more patience.  Yes.  Really.  I believe that actually patience doesn't always lead to calmer parenting...But today, I'll tell you what DOES.

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, we unlock the real strategies to transform your parenting experience from stressful to serene. We dive into the truths of child development and reveal how adjusting your expectations could be the key to a more peaceful and connected relationship with your kids. Say goodbye to guilt and discover practical steps that are rooted in the insights from our Calm Confident Parenting workshop. 

By the time you finish listening, you'll know:

• Actionable insights that promise to help you be less angry....fast!
• A direct path to more confident parenting, which will provide long-lasting benefits. 

Join us and uncover how these essential strategies can transform your parenting journey.

VIEW THE FULL workshop that this episode came from at: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop/

✨Want more?

1) Join the FREE workshop Aug 26-28 to get Flora's "3 Keys to Calm Confident Parenting": https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop/

2) Also -use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Flora.

Chapters

• 0:00 Unlocking Less Anger in Parenting
• 6:55 Parenting

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You're listening to episode 73 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast and we're talking today about the secret to less anger. Friend, this was a middle part, the meat in the center of our recent Calm Confident Parenting workshop, and if you'd like to reconnect and hear all three days of that workshop, each session being between 20 and 30 minutes, you can find that easily at sustainableparentingcom slash workshop and catch the replays or be able to sign up there for the next session we plan to have. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome, folks, today we're talking about the secret to less anger and this is at first. I want to be very clear. This can be a heavy topic for us because I've been in Messenger with several of you. You're asking really great questions and being incredibly vulnerable to share that.

Speaker 1: 1:38

This anger side can trigger a lot of guilt. We feel like, oh, if only I could be more patient, things would be better, things would be easier. And this anger pattern we can end up in, like we talked about yesterday, often can come from we're doing things in ways that haven't been working and it's frustrating, and we're like I've tried everything, nothing's going to work, and so then we're like okay, I must just be the problem. I feel like I'm trying all the things that people tell me to do and still my kid doesn't listen, or still he is like just blatantly mean towards his sibling, as Anto said to me, or still he is just doing the thing I just asked him not, or doing the thing I just asked her not to do, like Stephanie shared right, has this been the case for you, that you are like I'm doing all the things and it's not working. So then, yeah, I get really mad and then I feel guilty because I think it must be something wrong with me. Then, because everyone out there saying this should work. And when it doesn't, then I feel guilty because I think it must be something wrong with me then, because everyone out there saying this should work. And when it doesn't, then I feel incredible guilt as a mom. When I tell you, when I told you, the story yesterday of that most embarrassing moment at the pool. I mean, I was a parenting coach even at that time and having these embarrassing moments, feeling all the eyeballs on me, and then I just feel like, oh gosh, why do I have to be so angry, why don't I know how to get him to respond differently? Again and again I would just feel so much guilt that it wasn't going better. And if this has been true for you, friend, you're not alone and today's secret is really going to unlock how to get you out of that place. The first thing if you have your handout from yesterday, pull that out. If you don't have it, say the word workbook and we'll get it for you. The handout says the key that unlocks less anger is not more P. Does anyone have a guess of what that P word would be? It's not more P. Does anyone have a guess of what that P word would be? It's not more.

Speaker 1: 3:50

What do you always tell yourself that you need to have in order to not be getting so angry? Heather got it. Yes, it's patience. We often tell ourselves I just need to have more patience. I have had so many mothers come to me and say, yeah, I'm yelling at them, and now. Yeah, he's not listening, yeah, he's not being nice to his sibling, but really it's me. I think I just need to be more patient, friend. I'm here to unlock the truth that really can just dissolve our guilt on this topic, which is it's not you, it's them and hear me out for a second. I don't mean it's them, it's the children. I mean it's them, the voices that are telling you the wrong advice about the road to more peace and more calm. The road to more peace and more calm is not more patience. That is a lie that inappropriately places guilt on your personality and makes you feel like you have to go to years of therapy or something, and it's so much easier. This is one of my favorite things I'm locking for families is when they really get this new view of sustainable parenting tools and I master our CEO process. It's within weeks that you start to notice your kids are cooperating more and you feel more calm. Why? Because it has nothing to do with inappropriately saying you need to be more patient.

Speaker 1: 5:28

What's missing are these two things. What's missing that you're needing in order to have the secret to less anger is number one understanding child development and understanding your kid. And number two is that we need to shorten your rope. First of all, understanding our kid. So you keep getting to the end of your rope. What's missing is understanding your kid First of all.

Speaker 1: 6:00

We get this unrealistic expectation that our kids are supposed to be cooperative and reasonable with their emotions and that when they're not, those things we're like where is this coming from? Or, as one parent told me in messenger, like the dad would start saying to the young three-year-old like what's wrong with you? I'm laughing because I've been in that place Like we can, just these things can come out of us like what's wrong with you? Why are you doing this? And we're asking, like a three-year-old, to know the answer. Okay, that's an unrealistic view. We don't. We're we're thinking somehow that they're supposed to just have the right behaviors and emotion control. Here's the right expectation. This is going to unlock so much for you, friend, and being less angry at your kid. The first key thing to know is to is for realistic expectation.

Speaker 1: 6:55

It is your child's job, child's job to test rules and boundaries, to see what happens when they do. It is your child's job to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do, meaning if they are testing when you say like, don't touch that blinky thing, and they're like this blinky thing, that's what they're wired to do. They're wired to like test out if, when they scream and cry, you change your mind and give them that popsicle you were saying no to. They are hardwired to test rules and boundaries to see if they can grab something from their sister and just run away with it and if that gets what they want. They are wired to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do, because that's where their brains are at. Cause and effect is the name of the game. Their brains are wired to like sort of wiggle without even realizing it, and then go oh that moved me forward a little bit, you know. And then, like their body starts learning to keep repeating that till they're crawling. Same with the steps to stand up, same with the steps to walk, and they do the same socially and emotionally. It's their job to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do. That's developmentally appropriate from zero to 18. So mastering how to respond to that when they're young is going to help you for so many years to come.

Speaker 1: 8:27

I've had families that, have you know, interacted with me as grandparents and said I wish I had this to have done with my kids years ago. Some of these things I even use with my adult children. But the key here, friend, is that we have to know it's their job to test the boundaries. Secondly, they are lacking skills, of course they are. So they need us to teach them the replacement tools, not just lecture them, be mad at them when they don't have the right tools. So the first key thing is we've got to have that realistic expectation that it's their job to test rules and boundaries and have lacking skills still in the area of social emotional development, and that when.

Speaker 1: 9:10

So our job in both those sections is to hold clear boundaries and to teach them the replacement behaviors in effective ways. And when you shift, every time your kid is screaming or taking the toy from their brother or, you know, scream no at you or go do the thing you just told them not to do. When you know how to switch from how dare you to? Oh, I know that my job is to hold the boundary or teach you the replacement skill in the right steps. That CEO process that Flora taught me. It doesn't piss you off when they do it because you feel equipped. So I'm going to give you three main steps today to start having some of my tools to be able to take action on what helps you not get to the end of your rope. It's being able to know how to have a shorter rope with clear boundaries and knowing, with those realistic expectations, how to teach the replacement behavior without clear boundaries and being a wise teacher.