Sustainable Parenting

72. Three Keys to Achieving Calm and Confident Parenting

August 21, 2024 • Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Do you ever find yourself feeling less calm and confident as a parent, even though you’re doing your best?😞

🌟Many parents want a positive relationship with their kids but struggle with making that happen every day.💔  Friend, you are not alone. 

After listening to this episode, you’ll learn:

  1. How to spot habits that might be adding to the chaos and how to gently shift them.
  2. A simple approach to feeling less anger and more balanced as a parent.
  3. The power of asking the right questions, to create more peace in your home.

We will look at how certain parenting patterns, like trying to reason too much or feeling stuck between being too kind and too firm, can lead to frustration. By understanding these patterns, you’ll find easier ways to connect with your kids. By the end of this episode, you’ll feel more ready to create a calm and confident home. 😊

✨Want more?

1) Join the FREE workshop Aug 26-28 to get Flora's "3 Keys to Calm Confident Parenting": https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop/

2) Also -use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Flora.

Speaker 1:

You're listening to Episode 72 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, your host, flora McCormick. I'm a licensed clinical professional counselor and parenting coach, as well as an early childhood mental health consultant. Today, friend, we're talking about three keys to calm, confident parenting and I hear this so much from families that reach out to me for parent coaching is that they are very educated, well-informed, smart, caring, loving, compassionate parents, but they are finding themselves in a place of not feeling calm and not feeling confident, and those are the two main things that they are wanting to solve. So if you are in that place, friend, I have hundreds of families that reach out to me every year that are just like you, and you are not alone. It is common that we can know in our head what we want to do. We want a positive relationship, we want kids that are respectful and responsible, but then there can be a gap between knowing that and knowing how to speak the words that really put that into fruition, to have actions that really make a difference with our kids. Especially if you end up with children that are very strong-willed or extra sensitive, then there's no shame in saying gosh, I would love to get some more expertise, to know what I'm missing here, so that this can all feel more calm and I can feel more confident that I'm doing the right thing that my unique child needs in order to thrive. So that's what I'm here for, and let's talk about the three key pieces that I find most often are needed in order for someone to feel more calm and confident in their parenting. So we're going to be offering a workshop, starting August 26th through 28th, to join live for that 20 to 30 minutes each day to get these solid nuggets explained in more depth. But I'm going to give you a summary today of the three key areas as well. And when you sign up to actually join me for the live workshop, you get a free workbook from me, as well as the free outline of my keys to getting kids to listen. So, friend, let's dive in.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome the three key pieces that I find often are most effective to get someone to feeling more calm and confident are this the first part is identifying and letting go of some habits that aren't serving you, and we're going to talk about what those are most often. Most often, so, identifying and letting go of the habits that are not serving you and may even be adding to the chaos and frustration in your home. The second key step is knowing the secret to having less anger, and the third step is asking the right question. Okay, so let's dive into these three pieces Again.

Speaker 1:

This is an overview and I'll be explaining more in depth in my free workshop this coming season, august 26th through 28th, short to the point, from 12 to 1230, montana standard time. The first step is identifying those things, those habits that are not serving you, friend, friend, and let me tell you, the first of those three is parenting from the neck up. The second is pinball parenting and the third is asking the wrong question. So the first piece that may be a habit that's not serving you is parenting from the neck up. So much in our world right now is cerebral. We think to approach a problem with a young child by explaining what's not working out or by saying words to try to get them to calm down when they're very upset and dysregulated. And if we dive into what we know, though, is true about psychology and the brain, is that the brain is not working in a cerebral way when it's very upset and irrational or resistant or defiant, it's in a different place, it's in an emotional place or a fully flipped out animalistic part of the brain. So we got to go the right road to actually solve the problem. If you've been too cerebral with your kids, you're probably someone who says no matter what I try to explain, it does not calm him down. Or we've talked about how he can use his calming strategies and he never uses them. Yes, friend, that's because that's being overly cerebral, neck up parenting when they're actually experiencing something that's from the neck down in this more emotional place, from the neck down in this more emotional place, and so what's missing to be more effective is knowing how to calm that emotion, and that's what we'll talk about.

Speaker 1:

Second key piece that's probably a habit getting in your way is pinballing, which is to say you're kind, mom, gentle mom, kind mom, gentle mom, and then that's not working and they're walking all over you and it's so frustrating, it takes so much energy, that then you flip out and reach a tipping point where you turn into monster mom. And then you might say a bunch of stuff you regret or at least, or you yell or you're just like I can't do this anymore, and then you feel bad about that. So then you're back over to overly gentle and overly kind, and back and forth. The cycle goes. If you're tired of that, it's that you're missing a more balanced middle road of how to be kind and firm at the same time. That's the anecdote to being in that pinball back and forth.

Speaker 1:

And then the third key thing that's likely getting in your way of being more calm and confident is that you're asking the wrong question. You're asking why too often. Why is he doing this? Why is he so frustrating? Why can't he just be like other kids, like other kids? So if you find yourself responding to your child's behavior or even ask with a why, if you find yourself responding to your child's behavior with a why or that, you even ask him why did you do that? And it never gets anywhere positive. That's because it's a very ineffective dead end question. It's really just about trying to elicit some shame or blame, like you know, like what do we really imagine their answer is going to be? Because I wanted to be mean, because I wanted to be mischievous, because I was mad, and that's what I chose to do. All of those answers are either too vulnerable or too high level that they probably don't even have the awareness that that's what it was about. So instead, I want to equip you to be the wise parent that knows how to see what the behavior is about and respond accordingly. So those are the three key habits that often don't serve you, that I want to help you know how to shift.

Speaker 1:

The second key part of being a calm, confident parent is knowing the secret to less anger. And let me tell you, friend, the secret to less anger is not more patience, it is more empowerment, more balance, more knowing how to be in that kind and firm place, having tools that actually work. Then keep you in your kind self Because, let's face it, when we don't feel in control, we feel chaotic, but when we can feel in control, we stay calm, we stay confident. So you're likely missing some tools to be more empowered, more effective, some tools to be more empowered, more effective getting them to listen, getting them to calm down, getting them to you know, quick and snappy, actually get out the door. And those are all tools that I can share with you.

Speaker 1:

And the third key piece is asking the right question Instead of asking why it's actually, what am I going to do about it? Because between you and a three-year-old or six-year-old or eight-year-old friend, who has more power for these patterns to go differently, I hope it's you, the 30 or 40-year-old instead of thinking that that should first come from the four-year-old, six-year-old or eight-year-old, instead of thinking that that should first come from the four-year-old, six-year-old or eight-year-old Friend, you have so much power. So when you start asking yourself the right question, which is not why did he do that? But what can I do about it? What is my plan? And having a plan that you're consistently implementing and sticking to and not bopping around in different directions, can really start moving you forward, to start enjoying your time with your kid more.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, if you're ready to dive more into this topic, join me August 26th through 28th and follow up with me on a personal call so we can talk about how to get you every single tool that you might be missing in these areas we just discussed today, because you, my friend, no matter how busy you are, no matter what your background is, no matter what ways you were parented, you have every ability to change and be more calm and confident with the aspects that we talked about in today's episode.

Speaker 1:

You have every ability to do it. I completely believe in you. There's nothing in your way except choosing that. You know this is the time to make the change, deciding you're not going to keep going months or weeks. You're not going to keep going months or years more in these struggles, and you are going to choose to take action so that things can change, like now, this month this year, like now this month this year. All right, friend, wishing you the very, very best in your role as a calm, confident parent, using skills that are both kind and firm at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable. See you soon.