Sustainable Parenting

69. How to Shift Rudeness to Respectful Communication

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Do you get frustrated when your child is rude to family members, siblings, or even other adults?🤦‍♀️

In this episode, I’ll dive into why kids sometimes seem rude and how to turn that behavior around 

🌱You'll learn simple and practical ways to help your child speak kindly and solve upsets more maturely.💗

After listening, you'll learn: 

  • The root cause of rude behavior. 
  • The “bugs and wishes" technique to help your child share their feelings.
  • How to help your child express themself more maturely. 

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Speaker 1:

You're listening to episode 69 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, laura McCormick, licensed therapist and parenting expert of over 15 years, and today we're talking about what to do when our kids are rude, like they come at us with this rude language or they're treating someone in a way that's rude. They ask for some something rudely or do something that feels rude. I'm going to take all of those instances and say that is an immature expression of a perfectly valid feeling. An immature expression of a perfectly valid feeling. So how can I translate for this child the appropriate way to express that dislike? And friend, if you have enjoyed this podcast series and you get benefit out of today's episode, I ask that you do me a solid favor Be sure that you are subscribed so you don't miss future episodes, that you download episodes when you are listening and that, if you're open to leaving a review, you do so at the bottom of the Sustainable Parenting main page. That has all episodes listed. It's at the very bottom. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome Real quick.

Speaker 1:

Before we dive into this topic, I want to share our listener of the week, who is Shawnee Smith, who shared a review saying the parenting tools we learned from Flora have completely changed how we interact with our children in the best way possible. We were out of ideas, feeling overwhelmed, stressed and defeated. As we've implemented Flora strategies Over time, we are seeing a big change in our strong-willed children and in our overall mental health. We now have the tools to parent calmly and confidently while helping our children develop life skills in problem solving, communication, emotional intelligence and appropriate expression. Thanks so much, shani, and please let us know that you heard this shout out to your review and I will send you a free course about either how to stop whining for good or how to get kids to listen.

Speaker 1:

All right, let's dive into this. What do we do when kids are rude? I just got off a call with a coaching client who did my 30 day sprint, which was super, super fun, and we'll be offering this again in the fall, and in this time of working together. We had just four sessions and then some text messages that I sent to them once a day, with videos that are super short and to the point, and it was a really fun way to be able to dive right into the meat of some strategies, giving it to them in a really digestible way. And they had this question about what to do with your child being rude today. So we dove into what do we do? That could be not helpful and what can we do that will be super helpful. So I want to give these tips to you guys free today.

Speaker 1:

So, first of all, we talked about this in a previous episode, how titles and naming can actually have our children doing more of that behavior instead of less. So we want to be careful of that. I know it's so easy to blurt. Things like that are on the tip of our tongue like my gosh, that's rude. Hey, don't do that. That's rude. And it's funny that this is the impulsive way that we tend to voice our disapproval. It's just the knee jerk reaction. You don't think of it, but the first thing that comes out is what's wrong about that? And with a character label, and unfortunately, research shows us that that leads to more of that kind of behavior because subconsciously, the child starts interpreting that that's just who they are. We've named it that way and we don't want that to be the case. So what I encourage you to do as odd as it may feel really simple tweak here that can bring very different results.

Speaker 1:

Two main phrases I want you to change and start using instead of hey, that's rude. Two main phrases I want you to use instead. First of all, is I want you to start out with what it is that would be the opposite of saying that's rude. So, for instance, if they grab something out of their brother's hand, instead of saying hey, that's rude, I would say whoa, whoa, whoa. What's a gentler way you could ask for that from your brother? So I'm focusing on the opposite. Or if they come up and just say, ah, that's dumb mom, instead of saying hey, that's rude, I'm going to say the opposite Hold on. What is a kinder way you could say that to me? So don't say the rude word. Focus on the opposite.

Speaker 1:

I want you to do that more kind, more gently, and I'm going to say whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's try a do over. How can you say that? And then I insert positive word, instead of talking at all about the negative word. Okay, so big key shift here. That's pretty simple, but way more effective. Ooh, let's try that again. How can you do that more? And insert positive word gently, kindly, respectfully? How can we solve that creatively? Something like that?

Speaker 1:

Second key phrase I want you to shift into, instead of saying that's rude, is to teach them how to use bugs and wishes. So bugs and wishes means that I still want to give them a way to express their discontent. And actually one other side note I'll put here we're going to teach bugs, wishes and also that's not my favorite. These are two key phrases I love for how to let them express dislike in a way that's more appropriate. So again, instead of focusing on hey, that was rude, I'm going to say whoa, hold on, sounds like you, it bugged on. Hey, that was rude. I'm going to say Whoa, hold on, sounds like you, it bugged you. That brother had that toy and you wish that you could have a turn with it. Let's use those words. Or hold on, it sounds like it bugs you that I told you we're going to this park and you wish we were going to a different park. Is that right? Let's try to say it that way instead.

Speaker 1:

Or if the thing that they're saying of expressing something with dislike that sounded rude was like ew, that's what we're having for dinner, gross. Instead of focusing on the negative, I can use you know what. Let's try that again. I think what you meant to say is that's not my favorite. So what we're doing here is something I call re-scripting, that we take their expression of just grabbing something or saying ew, gross. Or saying, ugh, I don't wanna go to that park, I hate that park, it's dumb.

Speaker 1:

I'm gonna take all of those instances and say that is an immature expression of a perfectly valid feeling. An immature expression of a perfectly valid feeling. So how can I translate for this child the appropriate way to express that dislike, the appropriate way to express the perfectly valid feeling? And they're not going to just know that if I just, you know, say hey, just say that nicer. Sometimes they might not know exactly how to do that. So that's why we have this step two of re-scripting.

Speaker 1:

Let's try that again. Let's try to say that with a bug and a wish. Or let's try that again and say it's not my favorite and let me tell you it's okay when. There, you know, as we validate, like it bugs you and you wish. That doesn't mean that we're then going to do the thing. You know, like it sounds like it bugs you were going to this park and you wish we could go to the other, and you just have plans. You can still say yeah, and I love that you're able to let me know that, and for today, that is where we're going. It's essentially the translation of this wonderful I love you. And the answer is no. That we use in many different instances here at Sustainable Parenting.

Speaker 1:

So the two key things to reorient when your child does something rude is a let's drop talking about the rudeness and instead talk about the opposite. Hey, let's try that more kind, more creative, more gentle. And then, if we think we might need to add it, we can do some re-scripting of teaching them how to use bugs and wishes as a phrase to express, or that's not my favorite. And if you want to go delving a little bit more into this topic, this is related to what we talked about during episode 46, what to do if your child says kind of hurtful things like you're mean or you hate me. So if you'd like to delve more into that side of what could be coming across as rude. Definitely check out episode 46.

Speaker 1:

All right, friend, remember, as we're getting close to the end of the summer, this is a really important time to think about how things are feeling in your household. If they're feeling stressful, overwhelming, filled with a lot of anger and upset and meltdowns, then, friend, I want you to know it doesn't have to look like that Time and again. When people do reach out and work with me, very quickly, within a matter of three sessions to sometimes three months at the most, we are getting families into a place where they feel more calm and confident and they're having more fun. And if this is calling on your heart that you'd like to do this this coming school year, I have a link in the show notes to be getting on our wait list for the sustainable parenting transformation group that will be opening in the end of August. Please, friend, take advantage of this opportunity If it's speaking to your heart.

Speaker 1:

This is us know that it can be different, even if you're busy, even if you think that your child's behaviors might be quote too hard, too much too challenging. Child's behaviors might be quote too hard, too much, too challenging, I promise you. I have seen families with a variety of dynamics from ADD to learning challenges to just regular relationship patterns that feel like they're really, really thick and constant, be able to make change and quickly get into such a different rhythm where, as one of my recent clients in a testimonial said, it's like I feel like we're finally the cleavers. I used to look at these families online and think they can't seriously be that happy, and like we are them, we are like, actually happy. Now, if you want to see more of that review, that is listed on my website under the testimonials at Sustainable Parenting and the key couple that are sharing that are Anna and Brent. Anyhow, would love to connect with you, friend, right now, though. Have a great rest of your summer and can't wait to talk with you again next week.