14. The Secret to Ending Bedtime Battles

Do you feel like you’ve done everything to make your kids stay in bed?

You must be exhausted from having to stay with your kids for an hour when you still have a lot of chores to do, or just want some time to relax & have some time with your partner.

I know you’re trying your best to be a good mama and offer comfort at bedtime - but I bet you are also exhausted!  

This episode will give you a solution that is kind and firm at the SAME time, so both you and your child can have better nights.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN: 

• What the bedtime problem really is.
• How to effectively set up a better bedtime routine that is realistic and also much shorter. 
• How other busy parents are making this work.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Transcript

Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] You're listening to episode 14 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. I'm Flora McCormick, licensed counselor and parenting coach, and today we're talking about how to end sleepless battles. If you've been having to lay down next to your child for upwards of 30 minutes to an hour and a half to get them to fall asleep because they demand that you stay there or they guilt you into staying there, or they seem to be at risk of a total meltdown or blowup friend, today's episode is for you.

We will be giving you a super useful strategy that can really unlock the ability for you to have your nights back so that you can have fun doing your own hobbies or connecting more with your partner, or just kicking your heels up and having a cup of tea, glass of wine. Let's dive in. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast.

Let me tell you, friend, this [00:01:00] place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally, feel sustainable.

Welcome.

Today's listener of the week is j d Hartz. Who says I can't recommend sustainable parenting enough? In this exceptional podcast, flora gives exactly what parents need in their journey of raising children. Flora's practical guidance combined with her kind and supportive tone, makes each episode a valuable resource for parents navigating the challenge of disciplining and setting healthy boundaries at home.

As a sleep coach, I frequently encourage families struggling with these aspects, and I always [00:02:00] recommend Flora's support to them. Her insights and strategies have proven to be effective in fostering positive parent child dynamics and nurturing a balanced approach to parenting. Thank you JD Hartz, and please send us a message in DM so that we can get you a bonus from Sustainable Parenting.

And Friends, you're listening today. If you find value in these tools, we would so appreciate if you would scroll down below all of the episodes to a spot where you can also leave a five star review, and you may be highlighted as our listener of the week in an upcoming episode.

So let's talk about sleep. Let's talk about sleep, baby. Let's talk about you and me. This is a big, big issue that I have so many parents come to me asking for help with and it, I am not a sleep coach certified, but I am going through some special sleep training right now actually. And I [00:03:00] do often help parents to transform situations around sleep just by using our other sustainable parenting tools.

So that's what we're gonna talk about today. I wanna talk specifically about that painful situation you might be in where you feel like you have to lay next to them or do 17 different things for them at night in order for them to finally fall asleep. Now I think of Ciara, who is a mom of a toddler and a baby who came to me and said that her young son was being up until like nine 30, sometimes even 10 at night because they could not get him to sleep.

She said, we have tried everything. I promise you, flora. We try to talk to him. We try to relax him. We try to read the books for him. We sing the songs. We tried Tough Love. Then we tried being really nice. We tried everything and it just seems like no matter what we do, we're like, okay, we'll do the one last thing.

We'll do the one last [00:04:00] thing. He will just drag it on and on and on, and we are exhausted. We are over it. We love our child, but this is making us have a lot of negative feelings towards our child. Please help and friend. Within a week and a half, we had them to a place where he was falling asleep by 8:00 PM.

And they were sharing a glass of wine to together and they were reconnecting as a couple. And when she reached out to me after that to share, I mean, she was just in tears sharing how she could not have imagined it could be better this fast. And we continued working together for another two and a half months.

So I can tell you it, it continued. She made this a full new norm by doing the steps I'm gonna give you today. So friend, please know that even if you have a very stubborn child, even if you have a very sensitive child, even if you [00:05:00] have a pretty little toddler, this tool has worked for children from two through 12 to improve them falling asleep on their own.

Here's what I want you to do. I want you to think about. A four check-ins system and we're gonna explain to the chi child in advance. In advance. You're always hearing that from sustainable parenting, right? We do our work in advance, not in the heat of the moment. That's like, you know, trying to fix someone's baseball swing in the middle of the baseball game.

That's not gonna be when we can fix this. In advance, we are going to talk to them about the new plan of how we're handling bedtime. So after dinner or a nice playtime, you're gonna say, you know what, buddy? New plan for bedtime tonight. I am going to get you all tucked in, [00:06:00] make sure we have solved all the problems that may be coming up for you.

You know, we'll have a little quarter glass of water right there by your bedside table if you need that. Um, if they're potty training, you might put a little froggy potty next to their bed. So there's not the fear of having to walk down the hallway at night. Um, if we need a little nightlight, let's make sure we have that.

If we need a noise machine, so any noise, um, from the baby or something else is not keeping them awake. Let's try to solve as many problems as we can in advance. And then honey, when all of that is taken care of, I am going to tuck you in, sing our songs or whatever our last thing is, massage, whatever your last thing is, and then I gotta go.

I am going to go to bathroom real fast and maybe throw in some laundry and I will be right back. I'm gonna come back and check on you and give you one more of that last thing. If it's a little bit of a foot rub or a little kiss on the head, little squeeze, I'm gonna come [00:07:00] check back in on you. And I'm gonna do that four times.

Four times. You know what? When you stay in your bed, you get all four check-ins, but when, if you were to get out of bed or be yelling out at mommy, you're going to lose one of those check-ins. And I might take a little piece of paper and draw a rectangle and have four little boxes so I can clearly demonstrate what four is.

You could slide that in a sheet protector and put an X on one if they end up losing a check-in. But just simple visual, simple words. We're gonna have four check-ins, and at the end of that, when you've stayed in bed till your fourth check-in, We're gonna do X in the morning, something special. Maybe it's a two minute snuggle in your bed that they can come in and have in the morning time after their okay to wake light has gone off and they know it's morning time.

Maybe it's blueberries with their breakfast. My kids are crazy about fruit [00:08:00] and if I'm able to give them more expensive little option to their added onto their breakfast, that's like a really special treat. Or it may be that they can watch cartoons along with breakfast, but it's contingent on staying in bed for all four check-ins.

Now, here's a key piece of the check-in. You don't need to lay this all out for them, but for you, you're gonna come check back in after about one minute, after about three minutes, five minutes, and then 10 minutes. So each check-in has a little more space in between it. You may create some real life excuses for what you're doing between check-ins.

Like, okay, honey, thinks did my check-in, now I've gotta go downstairs, feed the dog, do a couple things. I will be back. I promise I'll be back, but it's gonna be a little bit longer than the last one was. But I will be back. So stay here, do a great job, and you get all four of your check-ins. You come back and check in on them again, and then again, okay, I've gotta go do something else.

And you're making more, [00:09:00] longer and longer space of those check-ins. And at the end, 95% of the families I work with, they're asleep before the fourth check-in. If your child's not asleep by the fourth check-in, just add check-ins. Okay, buddy. It's okay. You're doing a great job. I'll come back again in a few minutes and just keep having that be that longer, maybe five to 10 minutes before you come back again, and it may feel like a little bit more work that day instead of just laying down next to them and relaxing or playing on your phone, doing this back and forth.

But this is part of what we call in sustainable parenting, suffering with a purpose. See we can suffer with a purpose or we can suffer in circles. Suffering in circles is laying next to them all the way till they fall asleep and have all the excuses in the world. And you're tired and you never have time with your partner and you end up waking up at two in the morning and you then are like sort of thrown off cuz you fell asleep with them in their bed.

That's [00:10:00] suffering in circles. This other is, it may be difficult for a couple of nights, but then. You get them in a rhythm where they're falling asleep and you regular, regularly get to have time again to yourself or with your partner. I saw it happen with Sierra and her toddler recently saw it happen with Katie and, um, her husband and their toddler.

They're getting ready for a baby, so they're like, we've gotta get this tuned up before we have baby also in the mix. And quickly had their, their dynamo powerhouse kind of strong-willed daughter. Loving this system, just loving that she knew what was expected. She had a plan. She liked the system and it, and pretty quickly over about a month, they got to the phase where it only took about one check-in and then she was asleep.

So, friend, this is my advice to you. I know this will not solve every sleep problem, but if you in particular have been having that sleep problem of [00:11:00] the crutch of laying next to them, I wanna see you try this. Suffer with a purpose. Friends, you can do this so that you won't be suffering in circles. And if you end up like, well, what do I do then if they start screaming or battling or other heavier things, let's talk.

Join my Facebook sustainable parenting group. We can interact more in their personally, or send me an email. Let's connect. I would love to help you troubleshoot. And if you need a more well-trained, For, um, in more specifics, parenting coach. I'm involved in networks where I know parenting coaches that specialize in infants or specialize in older children, so I'd be happy to share those resources with you.

Thank you friend again for showing up today for yourself and your family, and I can't wait to see you on our next episode. And friend. As always, I'm excited for you to be parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time. So that you can feel that parenting is finally [00:12:00] sustainable. See you soon.