12. This "F-Word" is Why Your Kids Keep Fighting

Are you having a problem with sibling rivalry or arguments between your children

You are likely to lose your calm and punish the one who you think is at fault.

I know you’re trying your best to keep your cool when kids are bickering but end up losing it when it’s taking forever. Time to let go and let them solve it on their own.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL FIND OUT: 

• How it affects your kid when you’re using the F-word (intentionally or not)
• How you should respond when kids are bickering
• Why you should let them solve it on their own.

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

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Transcript

Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] You're listening to episode 12 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Today we're talking about how the F word keeps your kids fighting and no, I do not mean that F word that might be first coming to your mind, and maybe that one slipped out a time or two before friend. Today we're talking about an F word that parents use all the time thinking that it's not a big deal and it really does impact causing kids to keep fighting.

So if sibling rivalry and arguments between your kids has been a problem, let's dive in. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and purpose at the same time.

And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective, and for that reason, [00:01:00] finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Today I wanna highlight our listener of the week, who is Diamond Dill zero eight, who says, I feel so grateful to Flora for this podcast. It's like a college level parenting course in 15 minute increments. I've been implementing Flora's techniques for about a year now and feel so much more connected and present with my girls.

I can stay calm, which in turn means they stay calm. What a gift to our family floor has been. Thanks so much, and please send us a message in Messenger or Instagram so that we can get you a free gift. And friends, as you're listening today, if you find yourself really feeling compelled to implement what you're learning and you feel there's great value, We would be so honored if you'd leave us a review as well.

Scroll to the bottom of the [00:02:00] podcast episodes and you'll see a space to enter your those five stars and a review. Now, let's get started.

All right, friends, the F word, and it comes up all the time in sibling fights that we don't realize that we are using this F word. And boy, does it keep causing our kids to fight more now. No, it is not friction. It is not, um, fighting. It is not flamingo. What, what are you guessing that it is? This is the key word, friends, that really impacts how we approach siblings disagreeing and adds lots of negativity that we don't mean for it to, the word is fault.

Fault friends. Let's think about this. Do you notice yourself when you come [00:03:00] into your siblings, your kids being, you know, having a difficult time with each other and you find one of 'em is hit the other one or one is, um, saying it's not fair. She always gets a turn first and you think, oh my gosh, can you just let it go?

Or you find yourself coming into the middle of them fighting again over the one. Yellow pony when there are like 17 pony options, this is where our brains often go then is whose fault, who's causing this to be a problem? Let's listen to the sides. Let's help them to figure out who's the problem and then let's you know, have a consequence for that person.

Or explain why that problem person whose fault it is, needs to do a better job. But here's the downside. Friends we know from positive discipline, we know from John Gottman, we know from the wonderful writers of siblings without rivalry that we. [00:04:00] Are going to just add more fuel to the fire of sibling disagreements if we try to look for the good guy versus the bad guy.

If we come in and we, but be judge and jury and then decide what should happen and make all the recommendations like a good jury would, we're looking for fault and then we're looking for the solution. We're giving it all. We are doing all the work, and the kids are doing none of the learning. And similarly, it's hard to even know who the quote bad guy really is, even if there was a direct possibility of having a good guy and a bad guy.

Because you know many of you sitting listening to this, maybe you were the younger child who said, you can say to yourself now, I knew how to like sort of be sneaky and get my older siblings. You know, go, or like, you know, get on their nerves in a way that then would cause them to like hit me and then they'd be in trouble.

Mom, you know, there are [00:05:00] ways that there are different dynamics. It's not always the one who ends the fight that started the fight, you know, kind of they say. And so it's true with our kids that sometimes we might see someone being mo more overtly aggressive or challenging or difficult, but the other. One or multiple children could be contributing in ways that we aren't seeing, and we want everyone in the system to be more compelled for this to get better.

And so we want to put them all in the same boat. So here are the three key steps to take. Instead of looking for whose fault it is, letting that F word go, I want you to think of these three key steps instead. When you see siblings disagreeing, fighting over something, whining, it's not fair. I want you to first come in with a sense of curiosity.

Boy, you guys are having a hard [00:06:00] time, and with that curiosity, asking a curiosity question, like, I wonder how you could solve this. So we're listening for that conflict and we're looking to first coach them and guide them, encouraging them to solve it themselves. Now, they're not gonna be able to solve things themselves as the younger that they are, but also even if they're older and we've never coached them on how to solve a problem.

They may need our help. So first come in with curiosity. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How could we solve this? Children as young as two may have a solution for you, and then awesome, let's go with that. But if they do not have a solution right away, step two I want you to do is let's think about. Three or four ways this could be solved.

It could be this, it could be that, it could be this. These are the options of how this could go better, brainstorming with your child, not telling them to your child, brainstorming with your [00:07:00] child, not telling them to your child. And then step three is put 'em in the same boat, basically. Like one of my students in the past who's also a mentor in our team, Leah used to say, yeah, get along, or you move along.

So we're now going to use the sustainable parenting philosophy of two roads that you've probably heard in other podcast episodes. If not, be sure you keep listening cuz you're gonna hear this strategy. Um, many times it's a big key piece of the work I do with parents to help them get into better cooperation from the kids and an easier way to approach it with kindness and firmness at the same time.

Those two roads is to say, happy choice can lead to a happy result. Sad choice leads to a sad result. Those are the two roads you have to choose from right now, friend. So in the case of the sibling, um, conflict, it's you get along and you get to keep playing or you're gonna keep arguing [00:08:00] or fighting, you're gonna move along, you get along or you move along.

And the more you have the little phrases like this that you consistently are using with your kids, you figure this out or we're gonna go our separate ways. You're both in the same BA boat. I don't care who seems to be the one that's yelling louder or seems to have taken it to a certain step. Everyone needs to figure out how we can solve this, or you both do not have access to any of the ponies, or you both can take a break in your room for a moment and we'll try and, and just play quietly there for a little while.

Then we'll try to play again in the playroom. You know, both of them in the same boat of the consequence. This empowers kids to be more likely to solve problems, to not just come to you tattling. Because you are gonna put that back to them and saying, yeah, how are you gonna solve this? And okay, here are the ideas, and if you can't solve it, you're both included in this in the exact same way.

This [00:09:00] decreases siblings just trying to get each other in trouble. This decreases them just whining about unfairness. This decreases the fighting and bickering and blaming and causing, um, someone to seem like the bad guy. This decreases someone feeling like they're always, you know, picked on more by you, and that another child is maybe favored more by you.

It decreases all of those things and instead increases. Collaboration, family problem solving, and more positive relationships. Friend. It really is pro possible for your kids to be getting along and having a better relationship with each other. If you aren't seeing that with the tools that you're using so far, you may be in a spot where parent coaching is a good fit for you.

Where just a few sessions or a few months of working in one of our signature programs, you can quickly see that you have all of the tools for your family to be getting along better, having more fun. Fun and, [00:10:00] and you then enjoying your role as a mom or dad. Much, much more. So, friend, there's a link down below in the show notes if you'd like to reach out to me for a one-on-one call to talk about what it looks like to work together, let's do so.

Or also our sustainable parenting websites available so that you can see our program offerings. Can't wait to see you next week, and as always, take this week as a new opportunity. To parent with kindness and firmness at the same time so that parenting can finally feel sustainable. See you soon.