Sustainable Parenting

65. How to Help Kids Who Hate Change: Strategies for Greater Flexibility

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Does your child get upset or worried when things change? Do you wonder how to help them feel better about new situations?🥺

🌟In this episode, we'll talk about ways to support kids who don't like change. We'll learn how to understand and accept your child's personality while helping them become more flexible.💪

After listening, you'll learn:

  • New ways to talk about your child's behavior that turn challenges into chances for growth.
  • Simple yet helpful techniques that can help kids feel calmer and more in control.
  • How being both kind and firm can create a safe space where kids feel ready to try new things.

You’ll see how these ideas can help your child feel more confident about new experiences. With a guide on positive ways to talk about behaviors, you’ll create a more peaceful and flexible family life. 🎧Tune in to learn these practical tips and make parenting more enjoyable for you and your child!

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Flora McCormick:

You're listening to episode 65 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist and parenting expert of 15 years. I'm excited. Today we're diving into how to help kids who hate change, how to help these kids who can feel chronically inflexible or maybe we even say stubborn, and to help them to live their best life and help us have more enjoyable times when that change comes into their day or week. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Flora McCormick:

All right, friend, let's dive in.

Flora McCormick:

Today we're talking about these inflexible kids, or kids that struggle with times that require flexibility. That's a nicer way to say it. I don't like to give labels to kids, so let's think about it that way, let's you know and actually little tiny side note here it's so valuable to take a look at how we talk about our kids. It's easy to give labels like oh, she's so stubborn, she's so sensitive, she's so difficult, she's so rude or she's a bully.

Flora McCormick:

I've heard lots of these labels. They can come out of us so easily and let me tell you, the research just really says that these labels we give actually end up leading our kids, when they hear them, to live more into those labels instead of less. And I know that you're saying them because you want them to do less. Like we think, oh, if I say to my kid you're being a bully, they're going to think I don't want to be a bully and stop doing it. But the opposite is true. And so in this topic of today, when we're talking about kids that are more inflexible or struggle with being moments that require being flexible, I want you to know that if you, if we're using the term of saying to our kid like you're just so stubborn or gosh, why can't you be more flexible? Why are you so inflexible? If we make it a label, our kids are more likely to live into that. They start subconsciously usually not consciously taking in okay, this is a part of who I am and we don't want that outcome. So I encourage you whatever the label is of your kid that you maybe you've fallen into using a bit with each other, like you and your partner, or when you're describing them to someone, or when you're just frustrated and maybe saying it directly to your kid look for some ways that you can get more um, well, frankly, more flexible with your ways of um naming the challenge. So I'm going to put a link in the show notes of this particular episode for a way that you can get my handout on alternative ways to name a challenge. So, for instance, you know, looking at someone who could be called shy and second calling gives you the alternative to be naming it as someone who's slow to warm up.

Flora McCormick:

So today's topic, on flexibility and moments where our kids don't like to deal with change, I want to encourage you to shift from calling them stubborn or inflexible to saying, boy, you, it's very challenging for you or hard for you when things change in ways you weren't expecting. You like to have things be the way that you were hoping they were going to be. That's a little more flexible, looser way to think about it. So, with that in mind, then, how can we help these little ones where that's their challenge. I want to suggest to you that two key ways to think about how you can help this child.

Flora McCormick:

So, really, these two things come down to what generally is considered like the serenity prayer. If you've ever heard of that, it's this saying that says you know, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So we're going to talk in this and this is we're not going a religious angle here, but I just love that reference. I think it's so wise. So what can we do here with our kids? To accept the things we cannot change, to have the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. So for a child that struggles with inflexible, with with things that require him to be flexible, we first have to have that serenity to accept what's not going to change about that.

Flora McCormick:

You know we have various temperaments. There's nine different temperament types that you can learn about, and so one of them is truly this sense of what we call adaptability how well a child adjusts to environmental changes after their initial response. So can a child adapt to something kind of coming at them that they weren't expecting, and um and and their mood, distractibility, persistence there are all these different areas. So when we're thinking about your child being someone who's low on the adaptability scale, they struggle with things coming at them that they weren't expecting and things not going how they thought they should. There's a bit of that that we need to accept meaning that's a part of their temperament. That's probably going to be the same until they're 92.

Flora McCormick:

You know that there are things that make us all unique, and this is something that is unique about your child. There's probably also a lot of strengths to that. I would guess that your child is one that, like maybe, is more determined and really sticks with something when they know that that's what is going to happen, or when they have a challenge. Or the other side of this coin of being slow to change is that, like this, is a dependable kid. You know they are going to do things the same way most of the time. So let's look for the strengths. They're usually the other side of the same coin. That's our greatest challenge. But we need to accept that this is a part of who this child is. Okay, so part two, then let's have the courage to change the things that we can.

Flora McCormick:

So, if we're accepting, we know this is a part of who our child is, we then want to look to how can I help best equip the child to learn new tools or skills to be able to navigate life more effectively, because there are going to be changes that are needed in life. So what does that look like? That can look like a couple of different categories. The first is let's teach them the skills of self-soothing. When something's abrupt, we can think of what do I do when I'm sad? I need a hug. What do I do when I'm mad? I can squeeze my fists or breathe in and out my nose and mouth. I can squeeze a pillow or learn ways that kind of help my anger feeling go down when it has gone up, and so let's do the same for this child.

Flora McCormick:

On, boy, when something pushes your buttons, you hear that it's not what you were expecting and and change comes into your life and you don't like change. There's an initial feeling in your body. Your chest might get tight, your breathing might feel short, your stomach might cramp. So let's think of some physiological ways that you can help yourself with that honey. So I would want to give this child some some ideas around how to physically take slow, rejuvenating breaths in your nose, hold for a second and out your mouth for longer than you breathed in. So maybe you breathed in for four and out for eight, like very slow exhale. That's really important for calming and alerting nervous system. And squeezing your fists three, two, one and then relaxing those fists, maybe taking a breath in and out, with the squeeze on the inhale and the relaxing on the exhale. I tend to call that with kids steel and spaghetti like. Make yourself feel like there's steel pumping through your veins and through your arms and legs when you inhale and then let your body relax like a spaghetti noodle as you exhale. So teach them the physiological things that can help calm that initial hit that affects their body.

Flora McCormick:

Secondly, you can talk about thinking errors and of course this is going to be more helpful with kids that are about four to five or older. But let's teach them that okay, so your thinking can stay on this one track of like I didn't want it to happen but you told me it was going to be this other way, and like, just staying repeating in their mind, and even out loud, what it was going to be or what they think it should have been or should be, and we can help them learn. Okay, that's what we call a thinking error. If we're shooting or we're saying that's the only way, let's look at, yes, we wish it could have been that way. And now that it's this other thing, what can we do with that? So we're teaching them more flexible, open thinking, kind of this, yes, and you've heard me talk before about how we can use this in disciplining our kids. I love you. And the answer is no.

Flora McCormick:

This and language is so deep and rich in so many areas of therapy and mindfulness, education and healthy mindsets to be able to navigate the world without such big consequences in our mental health is that we can, when we can hold the and like, instead of shooting, say I wish it could have been that way. And now, what can I do with what it actually is? Let me move into the problem solver mode. So let's teach our kids about thinking errors and third I'm already leading into it is. Let's build their capacity to be in problem solver mode. So when you don't like that, it changed. What can we do with what we've got now? Maybe lean into saying things like gosh, I just know that you've got great problem solving skills. So you know, we now know that we're going to be inside for the rest of the day instead of going floating because it rained.

Flora McCormick:

What are your thoughts about what else we could do? That would be fun and special, Because we've got this moment that's different than what we had expected. So we want to talk about their body and how to calm the body. We want to talk about the brain and mind and how to calm the mind, and then we want to move into problem solving. Those are all parts of how we can help them have the courage to change the things they can.

Flora McCormick:

I think of an example, for instance, of my son and how he would have such a hard time coming into new experiences and, um, you know, he did not want to go to basketball practice and I remember taking him and saying okay. So I know this is part of who you are. This is like it feels very new, and new can feel scary and not your favorite and, um, you know, you thought this one friend was going to be on your team and now you just found out they're not. So let's first do some of this physical calming we did the breaths and then, secondly, let's remember to think with our thoughts about yep. Instead of his words coming at me, but you said it was, will was going to be here and you told me it would be this way. Instead of arguing with that, I just try to pivot him with a wish. I know you wish Will was here and you wish that he was going to be on your team and we really were looking forward to it, thinking he was, and then we moved to problem solving.

Flora McCormick:

So what can we do now to make the best of where we're at? And I always love asking instead of telling. Even when kids are little, sometimes they'll just start giving you the answer in their actions. They'll just go over and start playing, but as they get older, their words might come up with answers too. So there are many ways we can help our kids who struggle with change, who struggle with inflexibility, and I hope that what we've gone through today helps serve you and your family and your amazing, unique child Friend. Let this be a week again that you are learning and practicing parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable, enjoyable and something that you look forward to in your day. Talk soon.