64. What to do When You Make a Mistake in Parenting

Let's face it - we are not perfect parents.  We never will be.  And least I can admit I definitely never will be!

So instead of beating yourself up over a mistake, or apologizing to your child for being a "bad mommy" or a "mean mommy" because you yelled or lost your patience - let's make a plan that leads to:

• Improvements in your relationships,
• Understanding that mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn,
• And a path forward for the future.

We'll explore how acknowledging errors without self-labeling can teach kids that mistakes are about choices, not their worth. Insights from renowned experts Bruce Perry and Daniel Siegel will help us dive into the workings of the emotional brain, providing tools for helping children understand and manage their feelings.

Thank you for being part of our mission to build better family dynamics, through families that are more genuine in our struggles, and intentional in our solutions.

Here is the Brain in the Palm of Your Hand explanation.

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Chapters

• 0:01 When Parents Make Mistakes
• 9:21 Supporting Families Through Parenting Challenges

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

If you're listening to episode 65 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist and parenting expert of over 20 years, and I am really excited to be here with you today we're going to be talking about what to do when we mess up with our kids and I hear this a lot in my parent coaching work and I've experienced it as a mom of two kids. I mean, you get in situations where you end up yelling, say things or do things that you're like ah, this was so not what I meant to do, but somehow things escalated and I hate where it ended up. I am feeling a ton of regret and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do the wrong thing, and so what can I do in those moments that's truly effective for the future relationship and better behavior and teamwork in our family? All right, let's dive into this topic on what do we do when we've made a mistake, and I want to suggest three key things. We're first going to name it, we're going to teach it and we're going to make a plan Name it, teach it, make a plan and how we do those three steps effectively is going to be covered in this episode, so stay through to the end to hear how you name it, teach it and make a plan.

Speaker 1: 1:23

So, first off, how do we name it? Naming a mistake that we've made is not just about saying that was dumb, I am sorry, or that was totally wrong. I wanna suggest you add the effective strategy of naming that you made a mistake and this is an important moment. You can notice that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. So you're naming the mistake, yes, and and, and naming that that doesn't make you a bad mom, it doesn't make you a mean mom. It makes you someone who had an opportunity to learn, and I think when we're at we, this conveys the same message to our kids. Then right. So if they're making mistakes, the translation is yeah, and when you've made a mistake, it doesn't make you a bad kid or a mean kid. It makes you a person who's in a moment where you can learn from that mistake. Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. So anytime I've made a mistake, I want to name to my child. I know that that wasn't my best choice. I do want to name it in that way too. Not that I was a mean mom or a bad mom. I made a choice that was not a great choice and that was an opportunity that I can learn and that translates for your child that when they make mistakes, they know it's about their choices, not their personhood. Hear that again. That it makes it about their choices, not their personhood, and acknowledges and helps them grow the belief and not and knowing that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. So that's how we name it.

Speaker 1: 3:04

Second effective strategy I want you to think about is teach on it. So let's talk about explaining what I think of from Bruce Perry's work as the three stages of our emotional brain. Or you can think of Daniel Siegel and his important work about the brain in the palm of your hand. There are great videos you can see about those and I will link them. In the palm of your hand. There are great videos you can see about those and I will link them in the show notes or the show description from this episode.

Speaker 1: 3:30

The thought is teach your child okay. Basically kind of here's your brain, here's your brain on anger, okay, what that means is like taking resources, like you can find in my show notes, or googling brain in the palm of your hand. You can find in my show notes. Or Googling brain in the palm of your hand, explain for kids and looking at a video or social story with your kid, to say your brain is typically in one of three emotional places. It's reasonable and able to function with that frontal lobe. That's very wise and solution oriented and understands cause and effect. Or it could be in an emotional place where it needs help relating to that emotion in order to come back to the reasonable part of the brain. Or we can be in a final, really freaked out, flipped lid, fight, flight or freeze state where we just need help to regulate our nervous system. And so, as we teach our children about how that is, how our body can be in different states of emotion maybe it's anger, maybe it's fear, maybe it's frustration we're teaching them that it's a normal process to get in really big feelings, to get in really big feelings. Now, that doesn't mean I'm saying it's normal to yell at you, like I'm not saying that to my child. I'm saying it's normal that my feelings got that big. And again, I want to name and teach about feelings in that way so that my child feels validated and knows then that their big feelings are not wrong or bad, but they are a normal part of how our brain and body are wired.

Speaker 1: 5:10

I think of an amazing client, who I'm going to name Tara, who said to me that with her eight-year-old daughter she was regularly having these giant explosions and screaming fights with each other and just so much tension in the home and being really negative towards her sibling, and then the parents would be lecturing about her and, as we worked together, lecturing her about it. And as we worked together, she learned the skill of how to teach about the emotions going on. And she, as she explained the flip lid and went through a booklet that I have specifically for my clients, she said her daughter started crying. She said, do you mean? I'm not a bad girl? And it was like the mom's heart just broke. She had no idea that her daughter had never previously understood how normal these big feelings were. So it was such a beautiful opportunity and I'm so proud of Tara. She's gotten to this place now where they're having really positive interactions, so much fewer blowups and when they happen, fewer blowups, and when they happen they end sooner, and she's like I feel closer to my daughter than ever and I just can't believe the progress we've made, and a big piece of that all came from this bit of how she started approaching emotions differently with her daughter.

Speaker 1: 6:33

So name it. Name it as a wonderful opportunity to learn and, secondly, teach on it, help your child understand how big feelings affect their brain and body. And then, third, make a plan. So then you're going to say you know, all feelings are allowed, but of course, certain actions must be limited. And so I'm going to admit to my child that I've got a plan. I'm not just going to say I'm sorry, I'm going to say I know that was an opportunity to learn and that you know this is going on for my brain. So I'm going to make a different plan for next time and in different moments.

Speaker 1: 7:09

That plans sounded differently, you know, at times it was. You know I realized that I got to the end of my rope because I repeated myself 17 times. And you know what? Next time I'm going to be more clear, that if I ask you once and then the second time, I'm going to just say you know, if the shoes aren't on, then we aren't going to be able to take a toy with us in the car, and if the shoes are on, then we will. Or I'm just going to be more clear that if we're not in bed, we're down to one book to read because we ran out of time. If we're horsing around and if we've gotten in bed on time, we'll have time for two books. So let me be clear to you that I'm going to do that so that I don't get to the end of my rope and lose it. This is a principle I always talk to parents about. If you find yourself getting to the end of your rope, shorten your rope, but more on that, as we would work together, I can explain more what that means.

Speaker 1: 8:04

So back to then explaining my plan to my child. If I have messed up, I'm going to come up with some way to say you know, I'm going to make a plan for the next time I'm feeling something or wanting something to happen, I'm going to act in this different way. Maybe I'm going to walk away. The next time I feel like I'm about to yell, maybe I'm going to be clear about that. Let me just say if I'm just at the end of my rope, I'm going to walk away and I want you to know I still love you. I love you and that's what I need to do so I don't end up yelling or doing something I regret.

Speaker 1: 8:35

Okay, so the three key steps if you've made a mistake with your child that I find are just so rejuvenating and restorative to the relationship and also teach so many amazing skills to your children are to name it as a mistake. That's a wonderful opportunity to learn, to be able to then teach about it, teach about that feeling and about what anger is in the body and brain. And third, make a plan giving your child an example about how you can always make a different plan for how you're going to try to manage your feelings or actions in a future moment. That's similar. That's it, friend. And if you would like more support on how to specifically do this with your unique family, your unique child, always know you can reach out.

Speaker 1: 9:21

I have a free clarity call link in the show description and I'd love to connect with you to be one of our 200 families that are served this year. I want to remind you, friend, this is a place where we are trying to serve at least 200 families and really get them the support that they need so they can have more calm and confidence in their parenting and feel more connection and cooperation in the home. So if you know of a family that could be using that support. Please share a podcast episode with them and if you've gotten benefit from the podcast and haven't yet left a review, it really means the world to us. Please scroll down to the bottom of all the episodes and there's an area to mark the stars and leave a comment, and it really is huge for others to keep finding us so that they can find the help they need. Thanks so much. Talk soon.