Sustainable Parenting

60. What to do when kids whine

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Find yourself saying, "Why is he always whining??!" Want to run screaming, into another room?  

Maybe you have even felt really unsure how to move from arguments and whining into mature communication.

With these 2️⃣ simple tools in hand you'll be equipped to foster better communication and emotional regulation in your children, making parenting a more joyful experience.

By the time you finish listening, you'll know:

✨How to pivot, when your child is whining.
✨How to problem-solve when your child is whining.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen

Flora McCormick:

Welcome to Episode 60 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we are answering the question how can I curb whining quickly If it's been a habit that's gone on for weeks or months or goodness, maybe, years? Friend, if your child is three or older, these strategies can very quickly change your world into a place where your child is more maturely asking for what they need and that they are not whining and crying when they don't get what they want or they think things should go a different way. Friend, let's dive in. As a reminder, here at Sustainable Parenting, our mission is to change the world of parenting so that parents actually enjoy being with their kids. It is my goal to give secrets and shortcuts to having more joy and ease with your kids, because we give tools that are both kind and firm at the same time and are actually realistic and effective and, for that reason, make parenting feel so much more sustainable.

Flora McCormick:

As we talk about whining, I can't help but think back to client Greta, who met with me when she had a six and eight year old and she was super frustrated that her older child was just really whiny and clingy and demanding, and she was a highly intelligent child. So Greta would find herself trying to reason with this child who would just seem to get in a more whiny, clingy mode with all of the possible reasoning arguments. Can you relate? And I also think of my client, susie, who had a three-year-old who was so frustrated that it was seemed to be that whining was his only mode of communication, like literally almost any time he was asking for something, it came across in a whiny let's be honest, annoying tone that was driving her and her husband bonkers. Can you relate to that? If either of these ring true for you, then today's solutions are really going to solve your problems fast, because they did for Greta and Susie and they both have reported that they're seeing huge changes in their children's maturity, communication and emotion management.

Flora McCormick:

So there are two secrets I'm going to give you today, friend. It's two simple things to think about when your child is whiny. Two things. The first one is that you're going to think about how to pivot. You're going to think about how to pivot. So when your child is whiny and they're saying something like what, why can't I? I wanted to, and you're just like wanting to pull your hair out instead of saying stop that, jeez.

Flora McCormick:

I want you to think about the child's mind being really locked on something that they may not be able to unlock from. They're locked on something they're having a hard time unlocking from, and so this is like what I call the elephant mentality. If I tell you, don't think about elephants, don't think about their trunks or their gray skin or their wrinkles or liking peanuts, I mean, my goodness, that's what you're thinking about. Right? If, instead, I say I want you to picture being on the beach with palm trees swaying and watching waves crash out in front of you, looking down and noticing the warm golden sand beneath your toes, you're not thinking about elephants. So this is what happens sometimes with whining we will have them whine and we'll draw attention to it. Quit whining about that, it's not that big of a deal. And maybe we argue this is why you can't have that thing. This is why I said no, we're focusing a lot of attention on the elephant, the thing that they're locked into. So instead of trying to unlock them by focusing on that thing, naming the elephant, talking about the elephant, I want you to describe the beach.

Flora McCormick:

I want you to pivot, I want you to think of taking that whiny little one and seeing if you could go wait a minute. Is that a extra freckle on your nose? I think that is. Look at that thing. I think you just earned one more freckle today. Or you know, what I was remembering is that after dinner tonight it's dessert night and we're having what do you think? Should we have ice cream or cookies after dinner tonight? Having what do you think? Should we have ice cream or cookies after dinner tonight?

Flora McCormick:

Or you know, if they're fixated on how a game isn't working well with their sibling, it could be to pivot by just changing the scenery. You know, I used to do this a lot with my daughter when she was between three and six. She'd get frustrated with a friend and it was like whiny and pouty and all these arguments, and instead of talking about that thing she's fixated on, we would pivot and I would say you know what? Why don't we get out an art project? So instead of trying to solve how ponies could be a more enjoyable agreement and compromise between her and the neighbor, it's like let's just ditch the ponies for a sec and get out something new Play-Doh. Or pivoting to art. Or pivoting to sidewalk chalk, or pivoting to getting outside and moving your body more. It's surprising how many times you can solve whining with a pivot, okay. So first solution is to think about how you can pivot. Second key solution that I saw bring really great results for both Greta and Susie was to problem solve. Now let's think about this.

Flora McCormick:

Sometimes when we're whiny, it's because we have a feeling like a frustration. Something isn't what we want and it's an immature expression of a super valid feeling. The wine is a super valid feeling underneath it, but it's a it's an immature expression of a super valid feeling. So, with that in mind, let's guide the child to problem solving. So again, instead of fixating on the whining and talking about the whining and naming it and arguing with it, I want you to think about what's underneath the whining and problem solve. She's like I really want a popsicle, though Sounds like you are hungry. Let's see. Do we want to get an apple or an orange? Which one should we slice up to fill your belly?

Flora McCormick:

If they are whining because they really wanted to play for longer, you can say I can tell that you are having so much fun and let's make sure that we come back and do the swings again tomorrow. Or, boy, you're still wanting to do something fun? What can we plan to do that's fun on our drive home? Should we put in this song or that song to sing together as we drive? Or maybe it's a book that they're whining about? Just one more book for bedtime, please. Let's problem solve. What's under that is a desire for a certain book or more time with you so you can focus on problem solving. You know what? How? About this? Tomorrow, absolutely, we can read that book. Or first thing when you wake up tomorrow, as soon as you're dressed and we're down eating breakfast together, I will read you that book during breakfast time. So the younger they are, the more you're going to suggest the solution of the problem solving. The older they get, the more.

Flora McCormick:

I want you to use this wonderful strategy from positive discipline of asking instead of telling what could we do to make this better? That's one of my favorite problem solving questions for kids, and it's one that you would be shocked in terms of the results that come from it. A lot of parents will tell me I've asked him like come on, can't we this, can't we that? I say no. That is not the same as asking with these exact words what can we do to make this better? Because when we're giving all the answers and solutions, sometimes they reject them. And if we can pause and empower the child a little bit more with asking instead of telling, sometimes they'll say something that we have suggested in the past. I've had this happen with my kids multiple times Like I'm suggesting this, that the no to everything as a solution. And then I just pause and say, well, how can we make this better? And they'll say, like the next thing I was about to suggest, because they've heard us make these suggestions before. So when we problem solve, we are trying to help them to identify what's underneath those feelings and come to a solution.

Flora McCormick:

And I'll be honest, we used to have this saying when my kids were younger. We'd say it a lot, and now it comes up just every now and then, as they're eight and 10, but maybe once every six months. But the mantra in her family was do we whine and cry or do we solve the problem? Do we whine and cry or do we solve the problem? Guys, they'd be like we solve the problem, you know. But and let me be clear this does not mean that I don't allow my kids to cry if they, you know, stub a toe or they're very disappointed that a family member who was visiting has to leave on the airplane, or you know, I mean tears are welcome, but what I meant was, if you're going to just come at me and say this isn't fair and I don't understand, and, you know, try to point the finger at everyone else ruining your life. I'm going to say you know what I want to raise a problem solver and instead of just whining and crying which isn't going to change anything here let's figure out how we could solve the problem. So that's a mantra that we've used in our family and it really has.

Flora McCormick:

I see my kids being problem solvers and this is a big lifelong skill that I hope that they routinely have. I hope they're the kind of employee that isn't just griping in the lunchroom about, like, all the things that should be done differently by leadership, but that there's someone who's going to say let's solve the problem, what could I do to contribute to the solutions that I think should be in this company? You know, I hope that if they're in a partnership or marriage or co-parenting, that instead of just pointing the finger at what their partner could be doing better, that they're going to say you know, I'm frustrated and what could I also do in this moment to help solve the problem. So I see lifelong results from this friend.

Flora McCormick:

If you would like more personalized support on the nuances of what's going on with your kids related to whining and or other ways that you're having struggle instead of fun and joy and ease, reach out. I always offer a free clarity call and I am offering right now, opening June 3rd, three spots to work with me privately for a 30 day sprint. I call it to have the most joyful and easy summer with your kids ever. So if you are interested in personalized daily text lessons sent directly to you that I've hand chosen from the things we've discussed coaching, 30 minutes a week directly and daily text message support with me for 30 days so you can launch into this summer being the easiest, most joyful summer yet. Most joyful summer yet reach out to me. I've got a link in the show description or show notes and you can also check out my website, sustainableparentingcom. Wishing you an amazing week ahead and see you again next week.