You're listening to episode 36 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, Flora McCormick. Today, we're diving into how to get curious, not furious. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps.
And friend, if this is a topic that ends up resonating with you, I ask you one small favor to share an episode with a friend or family member and subscribe so that you don't miss upcoming [00:01:00] topics. Now let's dive in. So this is a topic I'm bringing up because it came to light in a coaching, several coaching calls that I was having this week with clients.
And one on one we were talking about family situations where it's so easy to get furious at our kids. Let's stop for a second and think of the types of things that cause you to get furious with your kids. I will share some of mine. Some that get me furious is when I have asked them to do something and then I see they've gotten distracted and they're not doing it or I'm trying to talk to them and it seems like they're ignoring me or if they seem to be just like getting upset out of nowhere and being super resistant to something that I want them to do, um, like a place that we're going, an activity that we're doing.
And it is so easy to get so furious about these things. Oh, one more that just happened yesterday [00:02:00] is my son coming to me and just saying, like, he doesn't like his sister. And it felt like out of nowhere. It was unprovoked. So these sort of negative judgments or resistance or ignoring or behavior are some of the things that piss me off.
What are some of the things that get you furious with your child? Okay, pause and think about those for a second. And now I'm going to guide you into how you get curious and how this can help you to get into a solution that is so much more valuable than the anger we can otherwise be stuck in. So let's take the example of my daughter.
First of all, she was being very resistant to a couple things I was asking her to do and quickly emotional and thing in situations that made no sense to me Like I was taking her into An activity where we were doing this [00:03:00] class at a local school and, um, checking out and having this experience of learning some mindfulness tips, which I thought was so cool.
We had prepped about what it was going to involve. We knew there was going to be pizza. I was going to be with her the whole time. But when we walked in the door, she immediately was like, I don't want to be here. I don't want to go in. I'm not doing it. And part of this, I will acknowledge there was a quick last minute change that my son came down with being sick that day and previously was going to be both of them coming together.
So it was a last minute change within the last, you know, two hours before going that she had to shift from thinking she'd be with brother to being by herself with me. Well, I found myself being super furious at her inside. I wasn't like yelling at her, but it was like frustrated, certainly outwardly. Like, I don't understand any and like tried the tools that I teach my parents, connecting first.
encouraging [00:04:00] cooperation, and then talking about ownership. That's the CEO process that I coach parents in, but none of it was shifting things. And it was like still taking forever for her to agree to walk from the lobby all the way into the activity. Well, it felt like forever anyways. I think it was like 10 minutes.
And so I was processing this with my husband afterwards and I was still furious. Like, I just don't get it. Like, that's not like her. That doesn't seem like something that should be upsetting. I mean, it was right there. I was giving her pizza. I mean, it made no sense. And he stopped me in my tracks with my own advice that I wasn't able to tune into in that moment.
And he was like, well, this sounds like a moment to actually get
Like, it sounds like there have been a couple instances recently where she's upset and they've all been around feeling the possibility of being left out. And she did mention to me the other day that she was [00:05:00] kind of getting frustrated or feeling out of place at recess often because the friends she used to play with, um, she's kind of gotten out of sync with.
And so I'm kind of wondering if that's what was coming up again in that moment. And I'm like, I kind of have this deflation of like, dang it, you're so right. Um, it's hard sometimes to have someone call us out in a way that is right, that we weren't able to notice on our own, right? It can be so challenging, but it was also helpful to say, you're absolutely right.
Okay, if I pause and instead of just trying to see it from my point of view and how I'm angry, That she wasn't more agreeable in making the situation easy for me. I could tune into like, okay, when I really am curious about a theme here, if I'm curious about what might have been going on, I can uncover a solvable problem.
I think she was really having a trigger of. Feeling the [00:06:00] possibility of being left out, which I can acknowledge is something she's been bringing up subtly in several situations, and I haven't really latched on and problem solved that with her. So I was able to come back to her the next day, ask if that was kind of what was going on, and sure enough it was, and sure enough we were able to come to some solutions about how to feel more connected with people at the playground or in an experience like the class.
And she felt more equipped and less, you know, upset about the possibility of something like that coming up again. So when I went from being furious to being curious, so getting curious, not furious, boy, it unlocked opportunity in a lot. a way to find a solution. Similarly with my son. He was, you know, feeling, um, he just came up to me and was like, I don't like Eva.
I want to get out of the [00:07:00] hot tub because she just got in and I don't want to be around her. I was like, that's like not nice. That's not how we treat our family. And I wanted to launch into all of the furious, like explanations and moral reasoning. Um, it wasn't going anywhere. I did try a little bit of that.
And then I stopped in my tracks, like, hold on, Flora. Okay. This isn't going anywhere. Let me get curious, not furious. Well, tell me more, honey. What, what are, what, what's. What's this about? I don't ask why. Why is never a fruitful question. Just so you know, that is a tip I'm often giving parents that they haven't considered.
Why typically doesn't go anywhere with kids, even adults. It's like, I don't know why. But if we can say, you know, tell me more about that, that can dig in with less defensiveness. And he was like, I don't know. So then we just paused together and I tried to then do some guessing. After my tell me more [00:08:00] didn't work, as it has in other situations, I said, well, I'm wondering, you know, I did just spend a lot of time in the last hour building that gingerbread house with Eva while you were doing the other baking activity.
And then being in here with her while you were with dad in the hot tub. Were you kind of looking for some special one on one time with dad, um, and or me and feeling like you weren't having it? And he was like, you know, he's nine, so he doesn't want to fully share a ton about that vulnerability. But it was like, okay, well, let's talk about that.
And we got to a solution. So time and again, this getting curious, not furious can be so helpful. Also, if a kid is just being resistant and not doing what you're asking them to do, or kind of ignoring you, I find this Curious Not Furious to be a huge gateway into solving the situation. Instead of just launching, Why aren't you listening to me?
What is [00:09:00] going on here? To pause, and really with curiosity, With being curious, not furious, pull them in and say like, Whoa, you're really having a hard time right now. I can see you're having a hard time listening. What's going on? And with compassion, maybe some physical contact of a hug or a hand on the shoulder or bending down to their level, it totally changes the mode of what happens next.
When I launch in with furious, I often get defensiveness. When I launch in with curious, I often get connection and we get to a solvable problem, a description of what's really going on. So friend, this is my advice to you this week is to see what you can do to lean into getting curious, not furious in those moments that are frustrating you.
And if you would like more tools for how do I actually [00:10:00] specifically be curious in an effective way? And how do I go from there into the solvable problem? Friend, let's connect. This is what I love to do with families in one on one coaching and I also have a parent coaching group where families are moving through this together over the series, a series of about three to four months.
So friend, if you're ready for 2024 to be very different, let's connect. And again, let's let this week be one where you're parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time so that being a mom or dad can finally feel sustainable.