You're listening to episode 33. And as it's Thanksgiving week, we're going to talk about do we force our kids to say thank yous and sorrys. Let's dive in.
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You're listening to episode 30. three of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. And being that it's Thanksgiving week, I want to say first of all, thank you to you for being a loyal listener. And [00:01:00] secondly, let, I'm really excited to dive into this topic of discussing do we force thank yous and I'm sorrys. And friend, if you have been getting value from this podcast, please do me two quick favors.
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So let's dive into thank yous and sorrys and do we force our kids to say those? Yes and no. I do force my kids to say thank yous. And no, I do not force them to [00:02:00] say sorrys. And I want to explain why. I find these two areas are so important, and we think that they're both about creating kids to be respectful and responsible for their behavior.
And I'm going to tell you why. Yes, I do insist on thank yous, and no, I do not insist on I'm sorrys. So first, let's talk about thank yous. Of course, in this week of Thanksgiving, thank yous are important. We know that it is important in order to teach gratitude, we have to practice gratitude. And there is so much evidence out there about the science of happiness that even says that there is a large correlation between those that are able to feel gratitude and those that feel overall happiness in their life.
So if you can practice with your kids, being able to say thank you in moments that make sense, and then even growing a sense of gratitude by having practices like [00:03:00] saying things you're grateful for at dinnertime or bedtime. or saying things that you appreciate about others in your life, maybe doing a compliment circle around the family where you say, I appreciate, and then you end the sentence with what you appreciate with that from that family member.
You can do it where it's mom's turn and everyone shares an appreciation to mom and it's sister's turn. Everyone shares an appreciation. There are so many fun practices that can be added to your family that really are going to pay off in big ways. So it doesn't only build relationships. It also can build overall happiness for your child to practice being grateful for things.
And I do think that that's a just polite habit that I want my kids to have very ingrained in them that when someone does something or gives them something or, you know, spends time with them or they appreciate something that they use their words to express [00:04:00] it to the other person. So I really do repeatedly ask my kids to, you know, I prompt them to say, Thank you.
Um, even one small trick that my sister taught me this summer, which I love. Um, and I actually learned it from her son, who's a teenager. He was like, do you do that thing that my mom does? And he said, like, when I, when she hands me something and I grab it, she'll like, hold on to it and just look at me in the eyes while still, you know, not letting go of the thing with this like implied.
Hold on, I think you mean to say something kind of look and he's like, and I know what she means. And so I say, thank you. And then she'll let go and give the thing to me. Those are all a couple of ideas. Yes. Saying thank you is so important and yes, growing gratitude in our children is so important. Now on the other side of the coin, I do not insist that my kids say, I'm sorry.
And here's why. Do you ever [00:05:00] notice the more you. Ask a child to apologize for something they did, it turns into this more and more empty power struggle. Like, you cannot force the words out of their mouth, first of all. And then second of all, even if you finally convince them to, it often feels like really empty hearted, and then you're more pissed off.
Cause yeah, they said the words, but not with the intent. And then if you somehow coax them into having a more, like, gentle intent behind their words, it still just might be good acting. There's no way to know that those words, I'm sorry actually come with a contrite heart. So here's what I insist that my kids do instead in a moment where I feel like I otherwise would want them to say, I'm sorry.
I insist that they take responsibility for how it affected others and that they make a plan for what they can do differently next time. So the two steps [00:06:00] I lean into instead is that they take responsibility, how it affected others, make it right if they can. and that they make a plan for how they'll handle it differently next time.
So that means if they, you know, said a mean thing to their sister, then I say, you know, honey, we need to make it right. What can you do to make it right? And he will often go and say either like give her a hug or he will say I'm sorry, or he will give the thing back to her that he took away. Um, he makes it right.
And then step two is, now what could you do differently next time? If you want something from her, you can ask. If you are frustrated with her, you can use words like, Hey, I don't want to play with you right now. So I empower him to make a plan, and he cannot leave until he's told me what that plan is he's going to do differently next time.
So I do insist on something, but it's not the empty words of I'm sorry. [00:07:00] It's taking responsibility by making it right in any way possible. And step two is tell me what your plan is for how you'll handle that differently next time. I find this to be a much, much more effective strategy to be, um, growing a child that is contrite in their heart and not just using empty words and actually You know, I see those plans he makes for next time influencing how he handles things better next time.
Okay friends, short and sweet and to the point today on this Thanksgiving week, I hope you're enjoying time with family, friends, loved ones, um, and I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for turning week after week to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. And friend, if you'd like to dive in deeper, I do offer parent coaching one on one and in a group setting online to people across the country.
Thank you. Would love to connect with you and feel free to go to [00:08:00] your show notes to find out how we could move forward and connect. Let it be another week where you get to use tools that are kind and firm at the same time so that parenting finally feels sustainable.