25. How to Tame Whiney Clingy Demanding Toddlers (who we love!)

Are you drowning in toddler tantrums, whining, or clingy behavior?  Feel like you can't even take a second to go to the bathroom by yourself?

Maybe you have even found yourself saying:

• "He just won't let me have a minute to myself."
• "I have to do x for my daughter or she gets really mad." 
• "She will never let me..."

This episode has the power to make dramatic change.   

These strategies will help you hold expectations, in a loving and connected way, so you can feel resentment-FREE in your relationship with your child.  One of the keys - we need to stay kind and firm at the SAME time.
AND- most parents tell me these strategies hugely reduce power struggles!! Who doesn't need that, right?! 😉

In this episode, I mention a list of tools that help toddlers be more independent.  
Here is that resource list: https://sustainableparenting.com/sp-curated-items-to-purchase/

By the time you finish this episode, you will know: 

• How to respond effectively (and lovingly) when your child whines.
• How to THINK differently about these moments, so you aren't beating yourself up in your head.
• How to grow your child's independence and problem-solving skills.

And not only will it help YOU... This topic is so important to equip your child to thrive in friendships, sports and at school. ♥

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Transcript

Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] You're listening to episode 25, the way to tame those whiny, needy, clingy toddlers. And friend, this is a really important episode. I hope that you will stick with me to the end because I'm going to say a couple of maybe a little bit hard truths here, but I say them with love and I say them because I want you to experience more joy and ease.And this is the gateway to making change.

INTRO: Hello and welcome to the sustainable parenting podcast. Let me tell you, friend. place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.[00:01:00] 

You're listening to episode 25 of the sustainable parenting podcast. Wow, friends, a quarter of the way to 100. Thank you for being on this journey with us. And we hope if you haven't yet shared this podcast with others that you do so today. So let's dive in. Friend, the truth about whiny, clingy, needy toddlers is that it has more to do with us than them.

It's kind of that old breakup mantra, like, it's not me. It's not you. It's me. Like, I need you to actually embrace that in this piece of life. Now hear me out. I know you're probably like sending me dagger eyes through the device that you're listening to this on. Like, flora, are you kidding me? I am doing so many things.

I'm trying so hard. Like don't [00:02:00] you dare say this is my fault, friend. I'm not saying this to say it's your fault. I'm saying it's you because you have the keys to unlocking a better relationship that does not involve the whiny and the clingy. and the neediness. I think of my most recent amazing client that I saw solve this, Alice.

Alice had two young girls under five, a stay at home mom, and she said, I literally can't even go to the bathroom by myself. They will not let me, Flora. And if, you know, grandpa tries to sometimes even put them in this car seat, they refuse, they throw their hips up. If someone else is getting something for them, like daddy, they'll be like, no, we want mommy.

It feels like constantly it has to be me. Can you relate? [00:03:00] If you've been there, friend, and you're so frustrated, I can tell you good news. Alice, now three and a half months after working with me is going to the bathroom by herself. She has moved from, from seeing the kids not be able to self entertain even for a minute to 15 to 25 minute sessions that they're self entertaining and she's getting other things done.

She has moved into enjoying her kids more because of decrease of whiny and clingy and neediness. And she did what I'm going to tell you to do today. So there are three main things that she shifted here, and you can shift it too. The first thing is she stopped letting the whining work. And we came up with a self mantra for her to use that was like when the [00:04:00] kids were whining and her heartstrings were getting pulled and she wanted like, Oh, okay.

They're saying like, but I need you, mommy. I want you to do it. She would say to herself, I am not going to feed the monster. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. Of course she loves her precious children. She does not think they're monsters, but what we talked about together and in my coaching work with her, it was like, but it's like you have these wonderful, amazing kids and when they're using monster tactics, or sometimes I say terrorist tactics and you negotiate with the terrorist tactics, you encourage more terrorist behavior.

If your kids are kind of being monsters and you're feeding that by, you know, being the one then that does what they're asking. You encourage more monster behavior, and I know you don't want that. I know you want to see more of the sweet, wonderful, caring, creative, you know, silly, goofy, loving selves that [00:05:00] your kids are.

So you, I want you to come up with some sort of a mantra for yourself. Maybe it's. We don't negotiate with terrorists, or maybe it's, I'm not going to feed the monster, but I need you to hold a hard line where you don't get sucked into the content of the wine. I need you. I want you, which pulls at your heartstrings, but instead you're listening to the delivery.

If it's a monster or terrorist tactic, they're demanding or they're whining. That is not behavior that we want to encourage. The feeling is allowed. They can want you. The behavior is not. So this is where we can respond with one of my favorite phrases. I love you. And the answer is no. Not, but I met an amazing listener at the football game at MSU the other day who said I love this praise floor.

I love you. But the answer is no. And I just quick, quick correction. It's got to be. I love you. And the answer is no, because we want to teach our [00:06:00] kids that love and boundaries can be connected and hand in hand. So, I love you and the answer is no. If they're pulling at your heart strings, start with that I love you, meet their need, I love you absolutely and daddy is putting you into bed.

I love you and grandpa is the one that's fascinating you. I love you and I am going in this bathroom and shutting the door and I will be out in three minutes. And it's okay if they cry, be okay with that. Well, let's jump into that, but as part two. So the first part is have a boundary. Don't let it work.

Part two is You need a little bit of personal self talk here that says, this is okay. I am not going to react to their reaction if they're upset with my boundary. [00:07:00] If they are clinging or whining and needy and saying, I need you to do this. And you say, I love you. And the answer is no. And they start getting upset about that.

I don't want you to do a u turn, go backwards and say, okay, well, if they're sad, that means that I should change my mind. No, if they're sad, sadness is just a feeling and tears or wine, continuing to whine is just their best attempt at communicating, boy, it's hard for me to face that boundary. I know you have to use your like clever mom translator to see their words as just a form of communicating.

They're trying to get their interests met and it's okay for you to say no. It's okay to have boundaries. It is loving to have boundaries. So do your self talk that you know, after you do the self talk that I'm not going to feed the monster or [00:08:00] negotiate with terrorists, then I need you to do the self talk step two is.

I am a loving mom. I am a loving mom who's holding boundaries. I am a loving mom who's holding boundaries. I know there is wisdom in this and I know this is important. So I'm not going to change my mind just because they're upset. I can use Flora's one of Flora's favorite phrases, which is I, I bet you'll make a difference choice next time.

You know, if they're getting upset that you say, you know, they're screaming and pounding on the door while you're in the bathroom, you can come out and be like, you know, I could see that you were upset. And I wonder maybe next time you'll choose to go find something to play with instead, or you'll find a stuffy to hug because mom, again, every time I go to the bathroom is going to be shutting the door.

So you can coach them on how they can manage that differently. Next time. [00:09:00] And third thing that Alice did was that she started raising her expectation of what her kids were capable of. She felt like she needed to always, you know, get them the red plate if that was their favorite one or make a whole separate meal because they refuse this other one or, you know, thing after thing after thing, do it for them, do it for them, do it for them.

And she started to realize, you know what? You know, even though they are three and five, they are completely capable of a lot of things. They are capable of getting their own cup. Let's put some kid cups and plates in a drawer that they can reach and if they say, Mommy, I'm thirsty, I'm going to teach them how they can go get that glass or that cup and go over to the sink and push a little stool over, step up and get the water themselves.

I'm going to equip them and do some practicing and start expecting they can do more for themselves. And the more I use [00:10:00] opportunities to train them and teach them on what they can do to meet their own needs, the less they will be so needy and demanding of me to solve all their problems. Okay, friends. So if you have been frustrated with whiny, clingy, demanding toddlers, This is my solution for you to try this week.

I hope you can try out how to not negotiate with the terrorist, not let those terrorist tactics work. Secondly, how to have the self talk to remind yourself you're an amazing mom. Love and boundaries do go together and you can empower them on how else they can deal with their challenging feelings. And third of all, that you can step into expecting more of your kids.

If you're not sure what types of self care tasks are possible, I'm going to include in the show notes one of my favorite lists that has some tools at the [00:11:00] bottom that help kids to be more self equipped, like a kid potato peeler and a kid friendly knife and a kid friendly container to have their cereal or milk in.

And these can be some tools to really tangibly help you step more into that. As well. And as always friend, remember, I am a regular parenting coach who meets with families one on one and in group coaching. So if you need more support and guidance and a place to be able to personalize this advice so that it really is making a difference for your family.

Reach out to me, also in the show notes is a link to schedule a call with me where we can figure out what the best fit would be. And friend, as always, let this be another week that you step into using tools of kindness and firmness at the same time so that parenting can finally feel sustainable. See you next week.[00:12:00]