20. 3 Ways to Calm the Morning Chaos

Do you end the morning saying, “How did that turn into such a sh%$t show?"

You are likely heading into each morning with the BEST of intentions, and then super frustrated when you end up nagging, coaxing and finally having to yell - just to get everyone out the dang door.  

And I bet you are SUPER ready for mornings to be more calm and cooperative.

I would guess you are trying to be a gentle mama, and meanwhile end up bouncing between gentle mom and monster mom when the kids just won’t listen.

Time for 3 key tools that can dramatically end the morning chaos. 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN: 

• What 3 easy steps you can start today, so tomorrow ends with smiles all around.
• How to improve the chaos before the morning even starts.
• How to effectively motivate your kids to get moving, without yelling or nagging.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Transcript

[00:00:00] You're listening to episode 20 of the sustainable parenting podcast with me, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist and parenting coach of 20 years. I'm excited to share with you today, three ways to tame the morning chaos. And friend, we're going to look at this with a unique way in terms of what you maybe have been doing to try to have a routine, try to get out the door easily.

And if you have been feeling stuck that you're just repeating yourself nagging and then yelling. To get out the door. Today's episode can dramatically change that into more ease and calm. So you start the day out the way you really want to leaving with hugs and kisses and smiles instead of regret.

Let's dive in. Hello, and welcome to the sustainable parenting podcast. Let me tell you, friend. This. place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time [00:01:00] and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective.

And for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.

Today's listener of the week is Mandy, who says, I love these bite sized parenting tips. I love that it's broken into relatable topics. Short focused episodes are great. I'm excited to listen to them conveniently and easily. Flora gives practical and tangible advice and guidance. Mandy, send us a DM so that we can know that you heard this and send you a bonus.

And friend, as you listen today, if you find value in what you hear, do us a solid, and please go to the main page of the podcast, scroll all the way down to the bottom where you can leave a five star review and tell us what you have loved about the podcast. We [00:02:00] will be in touch with you and you could be our next.

Upcoming listener of the week,

you're listening to episode 20 of the sustainable parenting podcast. And today we're talking about. ways to beat the morning chaos. If you are tired of trying to set a routine or not having any routine in it, just being like total chaos in the morning of where's my backpack. Can't find my shoe. I don't even know where my, Sports gear is for after school and on and on kids fighting, climbing on things, then this is the episode for you.

We're going to quickly look at what are the two key things that get in the way of us having effective getting out the door strategies, and we're going to give you three key tools to make the morning go so, so, so much better. So let's dive in. The first two things I want you to think about that probably have [00:03:00] been making the morning not go so well are that the plans you've had have been too accidental or too idealistic.

Accidental or idealistic and oh, my gosh, I am the queen of the idealistic side for sure. And when I'm not doing idealistic, I usually fall into the camp of of accidental. Here's what I mean. So, I tend to go 1st to the air of idealistic. I'm like. Okay, here we are. We're about to start school this year and I'm going to make this giant plan of what we're going to do.

The kids are going to wake up. We're going to do like a morning motivational looking in the mirror, saying something positive to ourselves together. Then they're going to come down and have breakfast, super healthy things that we've got pre made perhaps. And then we're going to have them get dressed in their school clothes.

They're going to love whatever it is they're going to wear that day. And we're going to also have them do three chores and then be out the door with [00:04:00] smiles and cooperation. And guess what? It never happens. Maybe it happens like two days in a row and I'm like, Oh, I'm super mom. And then I don't follow through with things.

The kids don't follow through on things. And we're just like in this chaos. First lesson, if you are anything like me, a little bit of a type, a, um, person who's trying to do things as best as possible, then friend, let's make a pinky swear pact that we are not going to do this to ourselves this year. We're going to drop the overly idealistic and we are going to pause and ask that question that thank goodness.

I have, my husband is always asking me that gets me a little bit back to this train of thinking, like what's really doable. What's really doable. Like every single day, even when I feel sick, even when I'm feeling tired, what's like doable. And then even when I think of that plan, I probably should scale back two or three parts of that plan to just go even more [00:05:00] simple.

Makes me think of fashion advice. I remember this weird fashion advice when I was little that was like when I was in Girl Scouts and we had, we were doing the fashion makeup and the hair badge, which I think is hilarious to think about. And it was like, well, if you're all dressed up with accessories, then you should face your back to the mirror and turn around.

And the first thing that catches your eye. Take that accessory off. Cause it's too much. That is literally what comes to my mind when I'm thinking of routines with my kids that I try to put in place, like Flora pause, look away, look back. And the first thing that catches your eye, like. That's the thing to drop.

Just let at least one or two things go. Okay, second error that might be coming up for you is that it's accidental. Maybe you're not this type A person like me and you're falling more into the camp of like, oh gosh, routine for morning? I never thought about that. I don't know. We're just like trying to get out the door.

I know that they need, need to get dress, they need to eat. I mean, isn't that obvious? I kind of [00:06:00] expect that they're just going to get up and start doing all these things. And friend, if you have seen that that's not successful, that is not your fault. It's because that's just not really realistic, especially when we're talking about little humans who've just entered the planet like three years ago, six years ago, even 11 years ago.

It's just that their minds are often filled with a lot of other things, like, Ooh, I wonder if Rainbow Bright would ever be friends with Barbie, or I wonder if Jessica's gonna play with me at recess today, or, oh, I wonder what's gonna happen next in the Harry Potter book that I'm reading. There's so many things on their minds that are not like, Ooh, I can't wait to jump out of bed and do all my morning routine things.

Heh heh. So let's not be accidental and just take each morning as like a new day that we think that is just going to happen for happening sake. And instead let's make a plan. [00:07:00] So we're not going to be overly idealistic and we're not just going to be accidental about it. Let's do these three things instead.

We're going to be realistic, thinking of the goal in mind. We're going to make a plan with our child of how to reach that goal. With the child. With, with, with is the key word. And three, we're going to use grandma's secret sauce to get there. Okay, be realistic, make a plan with your child, and use grandma's secret sauce.

Make sure you're listening to the end to hear what all three are. First, be realistic. Being realistic actually is different than what you're probably thinking. I'm not just thinking of the components like, okay, is it realistic that they're going to make their lunch versus me making their lunch? But I actually mean also be realistic about what your main goal is for the morning.

Is your goal that you want your child to practice independence, or is your goal that you want to get out the door with as little conflict [00:08:00] and screaming at them as possible? So, like, I think of an amazing mom, Brenda, who worked with me in parent coaching, and her five year old was in the middle of the kindergarten year.

And she noticed that mornings were really difficult when she was asking him to get dressed and she would go about the morning come back and he'd just be dawdling in the bedroom, not doing any of the things and she'd remind him and then leave and then come back and then end up escalating into a lot of frustration because it just wasn't working.

And so we dove dove into Okay, but what's your real goal here in the morning? And she said, well, I want it to be a more positive. I hate that. It just involves me getting upset and then I'm yelling at him. Um, and as we dove into, why was she handling it the way she was, she was feeling some motivation slash pressure.

You know, as moms were always like, if we hear an idea, then we pressure ourselves that we should be doing that thing. Well, she was pressuring herself to try to help him be more [00:09:00] independent, that the school had talked about how the kindergartners are expected to pack their own backpacks or get their own snow clothes on, you know, because we live here in Montana.

And so they were emphasizing the independence of getting dressed and prepared. And I said, I, I hear that. I know that's a goal that we're working on in general with kindergartners, but is this really the moment that this is the most important thing, the most important focus for this timeframe? Is it independence?

Or if your focus wants to be to get out the door in a more joyful, pleasant way. Um, maybe let's look at some other factors and when we dug into it, it was like her son really is someone very attached and connected to her and this being the first year that he's in kindergarten. It was like, he thrived on getting some attention from mom and when.

We flip flop things and really were intentional. She [00:10:00] started giving him some key attention right away and working with him to get dressed. And it led to him being way more cooperative, quick and snappy, bouncing out to them, doing his breakfast and moving on, feeding the dog. It just took shifting the focus to what she really wanted to have be her priority.

So think about that friend. Think about your morning. What is it you most want out of the morning? And let that lead how you're realistic about what you're asking out of the child. Then of course, secondarily, be realistic about the actual nuts and bolts. Is it realistic that my child is going to be allowed to watch 20 minutes of TV and then get themselves dressed and eat breakfast?

Or am I going to have a total battle? And instead, let's use the motivation of watching a cartoon and saying, as soon as you have gotten out of bed and gotten yourself dressed and get down to the breakfast bar, [00:11:00] um, you can watch a show while you're eating. your breakfast. So let's be a realistic about the pieces and the order in which it is best to have those things happen.

And maybe if you are thinking you want them to help with chores instead of expecting three chores in the morning, Let's start with just one, or let's start with that. We're just going to do a chore every other day or something this last year with my kids being six and eight, they started to take turns in the morning, emptying the dishwasher.

And when we really timed it out, it took about two minutes for them to help with that chore. And it was very realistic to add that into their morning routine. So be realistic about the goal of the morning pieces of the morning. And thirdly, The order in which it's going to be most likely effective to do the things.

Second key thing is make a plan with your child on this. So we're talking about the nuts and bolts are going to be, [00:12:00] Hey, here's the plan for the morning. Let's have you get dressed. Then you can watch a cartoon while you eat your breakfast. And then it's going to be your job to get all of these pieces into your lunch.

And let's make sure you know how to find what options are available to put into your lunch or where the potato peel or the carrot peeler is. If you're going to need that to peel your carrots or something. Let's make sure we're realistic with the kid and making a plan with them of how they're going to go about it, or maybe they're going to say, well, gosh, I don't like doing that in the morning.

I'm tired. I don't want to pack my lunch. Well, okay. So together, let's make an agreement that it makes more sense to pack it right after dinner. That might even be nice if there's something left over for dinner that you're easily able to throw into the lunchbox. Make a plan with your child. Now, yes, you're probably not going to be able to do this as much with a 2 year old in terms of troubleshooting and then contributing to the plan, but you can.[00:13:00] 

Say the plan with the child and draw a picture that's like a rectangle that has five sections coming down and you put in there a picture of a T shirt, a picture of eating breakfast, a picture of going to the bathroom and a picture of going out the door so that they're involved. You've made that plan with the child, even though you're mainly deciding it.

With older kids, they'll be involved in more of the actual deciding of what comes first, what comes next, if you're going to make lunch before or make, make it in the morning. The third thing is use grandma sauce to encourage cooperation. Grandma sauce is, I think of what a wise parenting coach in Missoula, Sarah Polinchak, taught me once, calling it grandma's rule.

Grandma's rule is when, then. So if you're thinking of a routine for the morning, we're going to do this, this, this, and this at the end, have a, when then that is [00:14:00] motivating for your child and no, it doesn't have to be a sticker chart leading to buying something at target. I'm not a fan of sticker charts actually.

And you'll find that out in other episodes. If you haven't already heard me talk about this, but instead you can have a motivator for that exact day. Like, Hey. When your things are all ready by the time that, you know, it's 7 50, you have 10 minutes to be able to play with toys before we leave the house.

Or when it's all done by 7 50, you then have time to grab something out of this basket by the door to bring with us in the car. Right? Or it might be that when you have finished all of your morning routine, then you get to help drive us to school. And what I mean by that, this one parent I worked with, I love this creative when then motivator was that he will allow the kids to choose their Route to school, meaning it was [00:15:00] really flexible enough that he would come to certain intersections and be like, okay, so should we go left here or go right here and then, you know, the kids thought it was silly that they would get to choose.

And if they went right, you know, they might take a couple extra turns to loop around and end up getting to the school. But there were some key intersections where you could go this way or that way, and it would lead to a little bit of a silly alternate route of getting. To school. So I've also known parents that will let the child pick a podcast episode, fun kids story, or a song, their favorite song that gets played on the way to school.

Once they're ready, quick and snappy, there are many different ways you can approach this. When then, when you've gotten all your stuff done well and quick, then we have time for this thing. To get out the door and then what I love, love, love, Oh, I want to actually add one more idea to this, which is our high five method.

We talk about this in the sustainable parenting transformation [00:16:00] group, and I give a handout that helps make this super simple. But with the high five method, you can trace the child's hand and then put the five things by each finger that they need to do in the morning, you know, getting dressed breakfast, maybe their one chore and getting shoes on coats on out the door.

And you can say. That when you have done something on your list, then come and give me a high five when you've done your next thing, then come and give me a high five. And when you've gotten through all five, then I'm going to give you a big, squeezy hug with my hands and one mom. I know of four adopted kids.

I mean, this woman was amazing. Her and her partner husband, like in the Air Force, a lot going on in their lives. And these four adopted children with many different levels of challenges of ADHD and fetal alcohol syndrome, like many behavior things that were challenging. This made their morning so much easier that that child who was struggling with ADHD was [00:17:00] especially motivated and more on task when he knew he could do the thing, come get the high five, do the thing, come get the high five.

And the fun thing was she noticed her favorite part. Was that when she needed a reminder to get him back on task, she could point to the high five instead of nagging on the item that needed to happen. So instead of dude, you're still not dressed yet or why aren't you dressed yet? She would say, Oh, my hand is just waiting for that next high five.

What what is going to need to happen? So I get to that next high five with you. It's just so lonely and waiting or something kind of fun and silly like that. And then he would perk up and it just got him more interested in the task at hand. Okay. Which we know, especially for kids that struggle with ADHD or ADD that making a task a little bit playful can really help their adherence to staying on task.

And the last thing about grandma's rule is that you can also include some sense of, um, [00:18:00] possible consequences that can happen. So for instance, sometimes my kids would say, be dawdling around in the morning and really going slowly or getting in big tantrums because they wanted to wear the blue shirt and it's in the wash or something like that.

And we would talk about, you know what, honey, you know, when you're acting this emotional in the morning over just picking a shirt, it's making me feel like. We might need an earlier bedtime tonight, or it's making me feel like we definitely shouldn't be watching movies in the evenings because maybe that's making it hard for your body to do the things you need to do in the morning.

So, if there are things that that might need to be included as a natural consequence for them being really emotional or really slow in the morning. It is okay to add those and some easy ones are an earlier bedtime or no screen time in the evening time those are a couple things to think about to help [00:19:00] your mornings go better and I Really hope this can help your school year go so differently and calm that chaos so that you have enjoyable time with your kids Because as always friend, this is another week that invite that I invite you To use these sustainable parenting tools so that you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time.

And for that reason, your job as mom or dad finally feels sustainable. See you again next Wednesday. And if you found value, please be sure to subscribe and share this podcast with others.