13. How to Grow Gratitude ("Spoiled Brat" prevention)

Are you asking yourself, “How can this kid be so ungrateful? Am I raising such a spoiled brat?”

You are likely to give your kids what YOU THINK they need but you end up getting frustrated when they don’t actually feel grateful about it.

I understand that you just want to give your kids all the best things you didn’t get for yourself. But, the more you give things, the less those things have value. Time to stop raising a spoiled brat.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER: 

• The key equation that's sure to lead to raising entitled kids.
• What to do to prevent entitlement.
• How you can grow gratitude, even at a young age
• Activities that encourage responsibility.

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Transcript

Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] You're listening to episode 13 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, flora McCormick, licensed therapist and parenting coach. Today we're talking about how to grow gratitude in our young kids. If you have found yourself over Christmas break or summer, taking your children on a fun vacation or enrolling them in a really cool camp and just having nothing but complaints and letdowns and all the things they wanna tell you that aren't good enough about it, push your buttons of like, oh my gosh, how can this kid be so ungrateful?

How on earth am I raising such a spoiled brat? Friend, you are not alone. I hear this complaint a lot from parents, and I have some really key small, powerful shifts today to encourage more gratitude in your children. Let's dive in. Hello and welcome to the [00:01:00] Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend this.

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All right, friends, let's dive in. Today on the podcast we're talking about. How to have more gratitude from our kids. I hear it all the time that parents are frustrated with their kids not demonstrating gratitude, not seeming grateful for the many privileges that they're given [00:03:00] in this world. And I experienced it with my own seven and nine year olds.

You know, we, I personally grew up in a single parent family with a teacher as an, um, a parent, and there was very little money to go around and we even at one point, My mom had to dumpster dive to have food for us. We would often get our Christmas tree the very last day on Christmas Eve just so that we could get it at like super, super sale price because we could not afford one at a normal price.

Um, we always wore thrift store clothes. And so when my children are bulking at a brand new sweatshirt that was $25 not being the exact color they think it should be, or when they. Open presents at Christmas time and they're like 25 different gifts from different relatives, and I hear a complaint about something that they were gifted that I just think, oh my God, I would've killed to have something that amazing when I was your age.

It [00:04:00] pushes my buttons and I get really furious, and I hear this a lot from parents, like, I didn't have things as good as my kids. I try to pay it forward and give them wonderful things, and then when they're not grateful for them, it just really ticks me off. How do we change this flora? So let's talk about this.

First of all, we have to remember that just because something is gifted does not mean the recipient is going to appreciate the value. In fact, we know from much research that the more things are not earned, the more they're not appreciated. A key equation I want you to think about is that privilege without responsibility equals entitlement.

Hear that again, friend. Privilege without responsibility equals entitlement. And I'm sure as you're thinking about this equation, it really does make sense when we're just given something that [00:05:00] privilege of technology or a gift or an outing, but we've had no responsibility of earning it or being held accountable to doing our chores before we're able to do that thing, or in some way felt like we worked for that thing.

We often aren't really going to understand the value of it, and we just feel entitled to be given things exactly as we want them. So the first thing I wanna tell you, friend, is that if you're seeing a lot of entitlement in your kid, stop giving them everything. Stop giving them every single thing they ask for or even just those little things that they don't ask for, but you think in your heart would be like a nice little treat to give them because the more that you just spontaneously lavishly give things, the less those things have value.

So, I know this may seem a bit odd for me to say. I'm not trying to be like saying don't do nice things for your kids, but that [00:06:00] extra special, just gifting often is going to water down your kids, valuing what you give them. So in our family, for instance, you know, we do have the means that we could probably buy our kids something at Target every time we go to Target, even as some days, you know, like a dollar nail polish or something bigger.

But I don't want my kids to feel that sense of entitlement that every time we go shopping there. They are entitled to have something without earning anything. So on a regular target run, unless it's a special occasion, we're buying school clothes or something like that, it is very clearly explained. We are getting X, Y, and Z and no, we are not here to buy something for you.

There will not be any purchases for you today. And it's clear if we are going to a sporting event or someplace that's gonna have concessions, the kids always want something. And [00:07:00] so we are clear in advance which occasions that might be something that is available for them or which occasions, you know, we brought our water bottles and we are, we brought our own picnic lunch.

This is what we're having here. We are not gonna be purchasing something. So the more you're clear about that in advance, not giving them things all the time, just for fun and for treats, you're gonna have a higher value from them. Privilege without responsibility equals entitlement. The second thing that's important here is to think about responsibility and to have ways that our kids earn the things in their lives.

So we're looking to go on a trip next spring break to maybe Disneyland, and again, it could be within our family, means to just treat them lavishly with a couple special things during that, like a trip to get, um, A light saber made is something that a friend did in our neighborhood that my son really wants [00:08:00] to do.

And so rather than just saying, sure, we'd love to do that for you, we are working with him on how he can earn and save up the money to be able to have that special privilege himself. And it might be something like he earns a certain amount and we will match the amount that he earns, but the more that he can work towards that, the more he's going to value it.

Privilege without responsibility equals entitlement.

Similarly in your household, if you're always doing things for your kids and not having some way that they contribute to the overall mission of the hou the home, then they start to just seem entitled to all the fun being what their life is about. You know, this happens a lot, um, in our household around meals, and I started to get really annoyed with it.

Like, I'll work really hard to make a meal. We put it on the table. Um, my husband might have been the one that worked hard to make the meal, but regardless, we get it on the table, we [00:09:00] eat the meal, and then they were just, Maybe clearing their one plate. Well, then my husband would go and get the kids ready for bed while the, while I would clean up or vice versa.

And I started thinking, why? Why are we only holding them accountable to like their one plate? This is a whole family mission. And I am sitting there for like 20 minutes afterwards cleaning it up, and they have no. Sense of how much work it is taking to put a meal together. Maybe they'll appreciate that more if they're seeing how many pots and pans were a part of this process, how many serving bowls were a part of the process.

So this winter we started a new habit. Um, it's not every single night, but I'm really trying to get it there. That when we eat a meal together, it's then the whole family involved afterwards, all the way down to the dishwasher, filled the pots and pans, pans, cleaned the floor under the table, swept or vacuumed everything.

Totally, totally done. Chairs pushed in, table wiped down [00:10:00] is something the entire family does together. This involves them and helps them see some accountability, some responsibility connected to the amazing, wonderful food that they get. To have privilege without responsibility equals entitlement. And guess what?

I've seen them appreciating and being a little more flexible about what we've made for the meal when they're involved, and see how many pots and pans have been involved in that process as a part of the cleanup. So involving them in family activities, whether that be that they do help put away their own clothes, um, after they're clean or they do help clean up dinner with you as a whole system.

I know as kids get older, I've seen other families have one child, uh, week cook a meal maybe alongside a parent, or even empowering them as they get older and older to do it on their own. So involving kids. Usefully in the mission of the family definitely decreases [00:11:00] entitlement and grows gratitude. And the third final thing is to really look for opportunities to be involved in service with your family.

That may be through your church, that might be through connecting to local nonprofits. There are so many amazing organizations in this world, serving dogs to homeless families, to, um, serving food, to those. That are underprivileged to everywhere in between. There might be a woman or man down the road from you who's a little bit older who could use some help weeding their garden.

I mean, there are so many ways you can look for opportunities to involve your children in serving others, and I find that that. Begins to teach their hearts to have the feeling of positivity that comes from helping and giving, not just orienting them towards only thinking things are positive when they're receiving.

And that encourages [00:12:00] gratitude as well, giving them that experience of how good it feels to help and give. Instead of them only thinking it's a default that they feel positivity when they receive. So look for opportunities out there in your local area to give. So friend, I hope these three areas might be ways to improve gratitude in your family and please share with us.

We have an email also in our show notes below and would love to hear from you stories of how you are growing, gratitude in your family. And similarly, you could also join our. Free Facebook group, which is a community where we love to see your ideas and share even more wonderful tips and tools with you, the Facebook Sustainable Parenting Group.

So join us via email or there to talk with us a bit more about gratitude. Can't wait to see you next week.[00:13:00]