11. Top 3 Baby Survival Tips (for yourself & your marriage). Special Guest: Dr. Gabe McCormick

On a scale of 1-10, how much overwhelm/anxiety have you felt in this chapter of life, having a baby at home?

Has it maybe effecting your marriage, your sense of joy?

My friend...you are not alone.  This was the MOST challenging period of parenting for me (and it is for many parents I work with).

Worry no more.  We will give you 3 tools today to stress-less, so you can feel more equipped and empowered to handle this challenging chapter of parenting.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN: 

• A new mental mindset - that brings more ease.
• How to support your spouse (and ask for support from your spouse in ways that are realistic and super doable).
• Why it's important to do these 3 steps in early parenting, so you don't loose your marbles or your marriage in the process.

Want to hear more from Dr. McCormick & Flora McCormick, LCPC?

Join the wait list for their upcoming course! Casually, we think of it as, "The Dad course".

Officially, it's called "How to Meet in the Middle: Winning more, with kindness & firmness at the SAME time." 

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Transcript

Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] You're listening to episode 11 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Today we have a special guest, my husband Gabe McCormick, as we riff together on life with littles, our top three survival tips for yourself and your marriage when you have kids. Under two. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast.

Let me tell you, friend this. Place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally feel sustainable.

Welcome.

Hello, I'm Flora McCormick with special guest Gabe 

Gabe McCormick: McCormick, her husband. [00:01:00] 

Flora McCormick: And we're talking today about managing life with kids under two. We were just laughing about this, like I had a client reach out who laughing, 

Gabe McCormick: having t s d 

Flora McCormick: crying, uh, cringing all the feelings. Okay. Life with littles is amazing.

Wonderful. Of course, we were happy to be blessed with children. We absolutely were. We realize 

Gabe McCormick: that and it is a full 

Flora McCormick: challenge and it's a very challenging chapter of parenthood. Yeah. So we wanna be real about that. And marriage. And marriage or partnership. Yes. All things. Yeah. So we wanna talk about some key things that we would suggest to parents with littles under two to like some survival tips for that chapter of parenting.

Yeah. We have three key survival tips for managing life, your marriage and your sanity with like kids under too, trying, trying to get through. So these are the three things. Lowered [00:02:00] expectations, small things are big, and make agreements in advance. Yes. So 

Gabe McCormick: start with the first, let's start with lowered 

Flora McCormick: expectations.

Lowered expectations. 

Gabe McCormick: Uh, so you've gone from, um, being a couple, so. Falling in love, fun and to being parents, which is also fun, I guess can be, can be. Uh, so that initial stage, babies, whatever little young ones is, um, brutal. It's difficult. It's a lot, it's a total new thing that you haven't done before. It just, it takes up so much of your time.

Flora McCormick: Can I say this about the word expectations being in that we're saying lowered expectations? Yeah. Part of that comes out of like just like weddings. Like this, a bit of the stress comes from, it's just a, a thing that comes with a lot [00:03:00] of expectations. Yes. Some verbalized, often many un verbalized about what you expect it's gonna look like.

What you expect your partner's gonna be able to do. Oh my, what you expect this adorable baby is gonna be like. And I'll say also, 

Gabe McCormick: Outside expectations. 

Flora McCormick: People and other people have an expectations of you, 

Gabe McCormick: grandparents, whatever. All these people, they're like, oh my God, it's such a special time. 

Flora McCormick: Yeah, it's 

Gabe McCormick: go cherish these days.

Flora McCormick: And Sure. Yes. 

Gabe McCormick: And they 

Flora McCormick: suck and it's hard. And so yes, you have this like weight of, wait, I thought this was gonna be better. Other, other people are telling me this should be amazing. 

Gabe McCormick: And yeah, I mean, especially for us, like I think, you know, our parents, well, no. Just like one of us had one of us, the other one not me, had these expectations.

Of, of just these beautiful, happy babies. And I don't know, flower pets falling down on us all the time. I know. Yes. Whatever. And like, God dang, that's not the reality. So like, yeah. And, and that's, [00:04:00] and that's fine. You're, you're, you've like, looked forward to this time, this moment you've been trying to have baby, whatever.

Maybe you haven't, but you, you got, you got one now, and now picture this, this just like, I don't know, this more idyllic, uh, you know, situation. Which is fine and there is some of that, but there's also like just deep seated reality that this is like really 

Flora McCormick: hard. This is a hard time, like you were saying.

It's winter. Yeah, 

Gabe McCormick: it's the winter. It's the winter of your relationship. 

Flora McCormick: Yeah, which is we just want. To normalize that, if you're feeling like this feels like a dark time. Yeah, it's, it's for so many and it's not just you. You're not crazy. No. 

Gabe McCormick: And then this, yeah, I mean, then there's all this other stuff people think like there's just so, and then.

Social media makes it so much worse. Oh, oh yes. You know, that's all of that too. Like, so your body should bounce right back. And then you see these people that like, God, it's so great, like our baby, they sleep through the night, blah, blah, blah. And you're thinking like, mine doesn't do [00:05:00] that. Yes. Like whatever.

My kid cries all the time. Yeah. And like. That person's 

Flora McCormick: full of it. Yeah. Or if they, if they do magically. I did have a good friend who had a kid that slept well. Don't compare yourself. You just, like every child's difference. It doesn't matter. It's not your fault. You can't think about it, you know? Yes. Get, uh, yes.

So first lesson. Lower your expectations. Let go of comparing yourself. Know this is sort of a winter chapter. Be hard. 

Gabe McCormick: It's gonna be really hard. And if your expectations are, this is gonna be really hard, you're gonna have an easier mental time than if you're thinking this is gonna be like some idyllic, like fifties movie thing.

You know, like. This ain't gonna be that. 

Flora McCormick: Yeah. So it may seem weird, but the lower you bring down those expectations, the more likely you will be content. Correct. With the challenges you face. Yeah. So now let's give you some tools to try to help those challenges go better. Yeah. Second piece, key survival tip we wanna give you, this is a big one, around, around the marriage, but also like your own self-care and self-esteem.

Yeah. [00:06:00] Small things are big. I will never forget when we had our young kids that we, I, I was just bawling on my way. Driving home from Thanksgiving one year we had driven, driven to our in-laws and I was riding home with my sister-in-law while Gabe was in a separate car with his brother and they had the baby.

So I had some peace and quiet and I was just crying that like, I just feel like I have zero to give. He has zero to give. And we both like, More from each other. We're both exhausted. We're both needing more like where we were at in our careers for you and me and my quote, you know, my career of being a stay-at-home mom.

Anyways, all this to say in that conversation, I left that conversation of crying to her with this idea that I brought to Gabe and I said, you know what? I think. I know we have so little to give to each other, but if we could just look for some tiny gestures, like I'm talking as small as if you get gas and [00:07:00] you go in the gas station and buy me my favorite candy bar.

That would probably just be as, as huge as it used to feel for us to go on a whole weekend long date. Right. You know? Right. Like just some amount that I'm thinking of you. I know you have no self-care time and I did this tiny little. Thoughtful thing for you, right? Yep. Yep. And, and you did that. I will not forget that you like that next week.

It, it also I think, helped you to, to give you a concrete step, right? Well, yeah. Doesn't it like, 

Gabe McCormick: helps to hear that, so like you're, you still are in the mindset of like, free baby, I don't know, like, you know, we live our lives, we have a great time, we go out to dinner, we do fun things. Like if I want to do something that's like kind of a big deal to her, like.

I'll plan this cool like weekend trip. Mm-hmm. Too, like we'll go out to a fancy restaurant like, that ain't 

Flora McCormick: happening no more. You thinking so now you dunno what to do. Yeah. 

Gabe McCormick: Now you're like, well this before, this is what I had to do to make something special. So now we can't do that. [00:08:00] Mm-hmm. So there's nothing I can do.

Yeah. 

Flora McCormick: And so lowering again, it's tied to the lowering expectations. 

Gabe McCormick: It's lower both of you. So both of you have to be on board with this by the way. Yes. Uh, you're just thinking like, yeah, he's got nothing to give or she, and. So if they do something small for me it's a big thing. Yeah. Like that's it. That's 

Flora McCormick: you.

You know, let the small things be big. Yeah. And that's same with self-care. Self-care. Yeah. For sure. You know, know you may be the golf thing you were saying. Yeah. I 

Gabe McCormick: saying like, so I'm a golfer. Uh, but so, you know, you want to before kids, like, I'm gonna go play golf like essentially all day on like a Saturday.

Yeah. 

Flora McCormick: Like 18 holes. And I'd be like, sure, that's fine. I'll see you grab dinner too. 

Gabe McCormick: Like, I'll see you in seven hours. Yeah. Yeah, not a thing. Mm-hmm. After you have that baby. So like, now that thing's gone, like, now if you can go to, you know, to the golf course or driving range and hit some balls for like 20 minutes and pop home, like, that's your win, man.

That was your previous seven hour thing. [00:09:00] Now 20 minutes. And you got some time to yourself. Yeah. That was 

Flora McCormick: it. Um, but again, then it's not all or nothing like, oh, I can't do 18 holes, so now I get no self care. You've gotta just expectations adjust and let the small things be big. Yeah. A small thing. Make it a small thing.

Let the 

Gabe McCormick: small thing. And same with, and same with just like floor one and time to herself. So like, yeah, I could take the baby and she could go like on the back porch and have a glass of wine or a cup of tea, chill for 20 minutes or Yeah, whatever, uh, for 20 minutes or 30 minutes and. That's your day to yourself that you used to get that's you could have now you get 30 minutes.

Yeah. So, um, so you just try to give each other these small things and it's a hard mental adjustment from where you were prior to having children, um, to think of, okay, that's, that's big deal now. And it feels like a big deal. It, I mean, as you're saying it, like, it sounds kind of dumb, but like in, in that time when you've got nothing like, uh, It's a big deal.

Like it, it, it feels like a bigger deal, uh, than it [00:10:00] previously would have. 

Flora McCormick: Yes. So lowered expectations. Yeah. Small things and let the small things be big. Yeah. Third thing, make agreements in advance. We 

Gabe McCormick: were talking. Yeah. This just helps you 

Flora McCormick: not fight. This is about the marital fighting over like, well, don't you hear the baby crying?

Obviously he needs something. Go change his diaper. Or wait, you didn't bring the binky in the diaper, didn't you? Or in the diaper bag. Didn't you know that? Or all these other things. Yeah. What life before kids is like, is sort of like what it was like to make dinner, you know? Yeah. You had to negotiate some things, but you could be spontaneous.

You could meet in the middle. This would take us two hours. Can, yeah. Let's do something fun and fancy. Yeah. Okay. When you have kids, it's like running a restaurant. There's no room for spontaneity. You need to be, you're like in an intense restaurant that you've gotta have systems laid out. And the more agreements you make in advance, like prep cooks at really well run at restaurants for that food to come out well and happy, they know what they're doing the whole time.

They are prep, co prepping a ton ahead of [00:11:00] time. So we wanna do that too. So what does that look like? 

Gabe McCormick: What does that look like? That looks like, uh, talking about like nighttime feedings, like, all right, what's gonna go on for these, for these feedings at night? So the first, you got the first one, so, You're gonna kinda let me sleep like you're, you'll let me sleep because you know I'm gonna get the 

Flora McCormick: next one.

Yeah. Maybe you make an agreement that the husband's gonna do the 10:00 AM 10:00 PM bottle so you can get a jumpstart on some sleep, cuz you're gonna be up for the next wake up. Yeah. Um, make that agreement in advance. Don't let it be spontaneous 

Gabe McCormick: and then kinda have to talk to each other and decide. At three in the morning.

You know who's happy about that agreement? Nobody. 

Flora McCormick: Nobody wins. Nobody wins when you're making decisions. Sleep, deprive, deprived in the no. Try to heat 

Gabe McCormick: of a moment. Plan as much as you can for things. Yes. Um, and 

Flora McCormick: then I, like you've never had to do in your relationship. No, 

Gabe McCormick: you haven't. There's just so kids new things.

Yeah. Um, and well, and then this comes too, like you're just [00:12:00] both running on fumes all the time. Mm-hmm. You know, again, pre-kids, like if you were both exhausted, like no decisions were made at that point because it was, no one was gonna win. Mm-hmm. So now you're always exhausted. Mm-hmm. And so decisions have to be made.

So you gotta take the times where you've got like 25% in your tank. Yes. And feel like this is the only time we can do this. I'm never gonna be feeling. You feel like I'm never gonna feel good again. 

Flora McCormick: You, you may feel that 

Gabe McCormick: you will, but yeah. So you take those times away from the moment where you can just kind of come up with plans for things and you can always reassess, but like, Come up with a plan then, and then, you know, in those harder times you, you have a plan and you can kind of stick to 

Flora McCormick: it.

Yes. It's like a war zone or like an ER again, like just com some, some comparisons. They have to have these procedures agreed on ahead of time. Yeah. 

Gabe McCormick: Standard operating procedures. Yeah. This is what we do 

when 

Flora McCormick: this happens. Yes. This is our plan. So you know it, let's make a plan. If there's a blowout with the baby, [00:13:00] like you are gonna be the one that does the back while I take the clothes to the laundry list Lists are very helpful, 

Gabe McCormick: literally.

Yes. Uh, we went with lists a lot. Yes. 

Flora McCormick: Uh, and found a tip from our brother and sister-in-law of. Any list, it's just a random app. Super helpful. Yeah, and you can 

Gabe McCormick: share the list and then like there's always a list of what needs to be done or what you need to put in the diaper bag before you leave the house and you can like check 'em off and 

Flora McCormick: whatever.

So you're not trying to yell it across the room in the panic of the moment and help. Nothing gets forgotten. 

Gabe McCormick: You don't, I'll say the overwhelming feeling. Uh. For me, and I think many people during these years is just guilt. You just like feel bad about everything that's going on all the time. Like you're not enjoying it enough, you're not doing good enough, you're not giving your partner enough time to themselves.

Like, it just, it just, they're just ain't enough of anything. It gives, and so, If you can do some things that help you to make everything run smoother mm-hmm. You'll both feel better about it. 

Flora McCormick: Yes. So, yeah. [00:14:00] I, I was gonna say that too. I remember, you know, you, you feel guilty if you get a breakaway from your kids and then you feel resentful when you're sometimes with the kid and same of your partner.

Like, there's just so many complex feelings. So the are key things to try to help bring down some of those feelings. Lower your expectations of yourself and your partner. Yep. Um, oh, 

Gabe McCormick: small things keep you going. Small 

Flora McCormick: things are big. Mm-hmm. Um, and third, make agreements in advance. Yeah, I have a plan. Good luck guys.

I hope that Helpsss. And we will say, I promise you, it only goes up from here. Yeah. It gets better 99% of the time. Better, for sure. 

Gabe McCormick: Better. It's a lot. You've gotta push through and then, uh, you have some 

Flora McCormick: more. Mm-hmm. All right. Talk soon.